*almost* the best superpower in the world

[eran_rathan]

but you have to ask other people what to do to the time, and you have no control over it.

I can read any book by looking at its cover, and have perfect recall of it.

[Neil_Boekend]

You walk into a library and go mad. Well, madder than you were.

I can solve any equation in a second.

[eran_rathan]

But you can't show your work or tell what units its in.

I can change water into any alcohol I want, instantly.

[SirGabriel]

In fact, you can't help doing so to any water you touch (including the water that makes up parts of other liquids, such as your blood). You die from alcohol poisoning, and then doctors spend decades studying your corpse, trying to figure out how you managed to get that much alcohol into your bloodstream.

I can be in two places at once.

[eran_rathan]

But only if you cut yourself in half, leading you to die from massive blood loss.

I can declare something to be true, and the universe rearranges itself such that what I said is in fact true.

[flicky1991]

However, you can't control what else changes at the same time. It doesn't take long for the universe to be in a state where you no longer have this power.

I can recognise anyone I've met.

[eran_rathan]

but you can't remember their name.

I can turn into a superfluid, and back again, at will.

[eviloatmeal]

Superfluids, however, do not have this power. So even though you are capable of turning yourself from a superfluid into a human being, it does you no good once you stop being you.

I can walk on any hard, flat surface, regardless of its orientation (walls, ceiling, underside of cliffs, car door...)

[SirGabriel]

But only if it is flat at the molecular level. Since there are no surfaces which are perfectly flat, you can't walk at all.

I can teleport between parallel universes.

[eviloatmeal]

But only to the exact point in space where parallel-you is in those universes, fusing and killing you both in the process.

I can determine if any program will halt or not based on its source and input values.

[SirGabriel]

But only if the program is written in Cobol.

I can quickly solve any problem whose solution can be quickly verified by a computer.

[araprado613]

but the internet no longer exists.

I have telekinesis.

[faubiguy]

Since you didn't specify what is meant by quickly, this only applies to O(1) constant time problems.

I can experience other peoples' memories by thinking about that person.

[flicky1991]

You don't get to choose which memories. The next time you think of your parents, you experience your conception.

I can keep eating without gaining weight.

[DieWithDustin]

Because skin falls off at the same rate as you add food.

I can make the best paper airplanes.

[eviloatmeal]

"Best" being defined in terms of looks, and you must sacrifice aerodynamics in the process.

I can levitate.

[eran_rathan]

Only objects which are less dense than their surrounding fluids.

I can spell everything in every language correctly.

[eviloatmeal]

Uh Sue ming yew no watch ew wont too spell.

I can calculate the volume of an object by looking at it.

[eran_rathan]

But you don't know what the units are.

I can cook the best food.

[SirGabriel]

"Best" meaning most nutritious. But it tastes so terrible that people would rather starve than eat it.

I can cook the best-tasting food (without sacrificing nutritional value in the process).

[eviloatmeal]

But the ingredients you have to use to make the food taste that good are completely off-putting to everyone, including yourself.

I have perfect pitch (another for-reals superpower that I wish I really did have).

[SirGabriel]

"Pitch" meaning "the steepness of a slope, especially of a roof." The roof of your house is sloped at the perfect angle.

I never get drunk no matter how much alcohol I drink.

[emlightened]

You do however get drunk easily off water, and hence live dehydrated or drunk.

I can shapeshift at will.

[flicky1991]

You can choose when you shapeshift, but not what you shapeshift into.

I can choose what people with shapeshifting powers turn into.

[faubiguy]

Except for your own shapeshifting powers, which get activated whenever you do so.

I can control any electronic device with my mind, without needing physical access.

[Neil_Boekend]

All the devices in the world send statusupdates to directly your head and you can't switch that off.

I can fly.

[faubiguy]

Very, very slowly.

I can fly quickly.

[eran_rathan]

but only in the shortest geodesic to the nearest major source of gravity, i.e. falling.

I am the fastest person alive.

[faubiguy]

You can now run at 300 km/h. But you can't slow down.

I can violate conservation of energy.

[Neil_Boekend]

You violate it alright, but conservation of energy sues you for rape.

I can lift a car with my bare hands.

[eran_rathan]

but only if you are completely naked.

I can disintegrate things at will with my mind.

[heuristically_alone]

But your mind it causes your mind to disintegrate. You're not expected to live past the year.

I can shoot a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets.

[faubiguy]

But only if the yak is exactly 200 yards away, to the nearest eighth of an inch.

I have the power to project my senses temporarily to other locations without physically being at them.

[thunk]

But only for locations further than one parsec away, and light-speed lag still applies.

I have complete control over towels.

[Lawrencelot]

But only when applied to wet dogs.

I can edit the text on any T-shirt print I see.

[eran_rathan]

With a silk screening machine and only after you remove it from whoever is wearing it (note that they might be a bit annoyed at that.)

I can cause hot coffee to appear in my mug by thinking about it.

[Echo244]

Granted. Decaf instant coffee. With lots of milk.

I can telepathically rummage around in other people's brains, at will.

[Neil_Boekend]

Doing so gives everyone brain damage. Not just the one you're doing it. Everyone.

I can modify other people's superpowers.

[Lawrencelot]

But you lose your power when you do so.

I can increase the speed of my internet connection by a factor of 10000.

[eran_rathan]

but only on an AT&T 212A modem.

I can instantly read the Wikipedia article about anything I look at.