*almost* the best superpower in the world

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BoneHead
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby BoneHead » Thu May 22, 2014 11:33 pm UTC

However, you can't make them unflexible again, meaning your bones are too flexible to support your weight. For the rest of your life you're trapped in a wheelchair.

I can create parallel universes which work exactly the way I want them to (e.g. one that works exactly like this except I'm rich, or have whatever superpower, or something went differently in history or whatever)

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Nylonathatep
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Nylonathatep » Fri May 23, 2014 2:43 am UTC

BoneHead wrote:I can create parallel universes which work exactly the way I want them to (e.g. one that works exactly like this except I'm rich, or have whatever superpower, or something went differently in history or whatever)


That Parallel Universe is call "your imaginary world within your own mind". So you can just keep dreaming on :) (Also see House of M, DeathNote, etc to see how it doesn't always work out right because your wishes can be contradictory to each other.)

I wish I'm a planeswalker in Magic the Gathering(tm)

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Fri May 23, 2014 7:44 pm UTC

You are, and that may or may not be wonderful. I can't say since I don't play the game. Be that as it may, you are still simply an image on cardboard. That, and no matter how hard you try, you still can't defeat Infinite Sheldon:

Image

I have no need to drink water. I pull all I need from the foods I eat and from the air around me.
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Nautilus
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Nautilus » Wed May 28, 2014 3:54 am UTC

Unfortunately, you drown in rainstorms.

I can increase the growing speed of plants and make them obey my will.
My flagella bring all the boys to the yard

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snowyowl
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby snowyowl » Wed May 28, 2014 10:16 am UTC

Lacking nervous systems, the plants have no way to obey your will, although they can somehow understand you.

I can create and extinguish fires with my mind.
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Whizbang
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Whizbang » Wed Jun 04, 2014 3:11 pm UTC

One time, in a freak accident while removing your ear and nose hairs using your fire powers, you burn your face off.

I can inspire great amounts of creativity and wisdom in the people around me.

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Jun 05, 2014 4:38 am UTC

Granted. However, you cannot choose and the inspired intelligence is subtracted from your own.

I wish I had a cookie.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Platypodes
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Platypodes » Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:46 am UTC

I think you're looking for the corrupt-a-wish thread... But that's OK, you can have a cookie. Here you go. It's from ads.buysomecrap.wearewatchingeverythingyoudoonline.com.

I can purify water by saying a magic word.
videogamesizzle wrote:so, uh, seen any good arbitrary, high numbers lately?

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:52 am UTC

Ok. You cannot, however, pronounce the required word.

I can walk on water AND land.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:25 pm UTC

Because your feet have a comically large surface area.

I can communicate telepathically with any hoofed animal and understand the response.
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Platypodes
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Platypodes » Fri Jun 06, 2014 5:35 am UTC

Their responses are usually "F*** you, two-legger!"

I can breathe underwater.
videogamesizzle wrote:so, uh, seen any good arbitrary, high numbers lately?

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Nautilus
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Nautilus » Sun Jun 08, 2014 9:56 pm UTC

Using scuba gear.

I can walk up walls without falling off.
My flagella bring all the boys to the yard

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Jun 11, 2014 5:33 am UTC

Only walls to the east and on the flat ground you slide to the east. Gravity is rotated by 90° for you.

I can breathe in air.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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snowyowl
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby snowyowl » Thu Jun 12, 2014 11:42 am UTC

But if you stop for more than five minutes, you die.

(How is that even a superpower?)

I don't age.
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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Jun 13, 2014 9:16 am UTC

You do not age because you are in a stasis field where time is paused. The field can not be turned off because the controls are inside it and thus also in paused time.

I retain my ability to think while drunk, while still fitting in due to my ability to act drunk.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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PeteP
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby PeteP » Fri Jun 13, 2014 1:49 pm UTC

You can pretend but you still find others acting drunk around you while you only pretend just annoying.

I can summon a familiar who can shapeshift into any form and has human level intelligence. It takes care of everything I find annoying and yes it is absolutely loyal to me.

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Mon Jun 16, 2014 9:17 pm UTC

And it would love to answer your summons - it really would - but it lacks the ability.

I can become invisible and inaudible at will.
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KingTip
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby KingTip » Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:53 am UTC

but you have to ask for your great great great great great great great great great great grandpa's pig permission every time you use it.

I can breathe underwater
I'm baaaaaaaaack! ( <- sort of ironic cause I left for a little bit, but I might be back...)

Look around you
Strex.
Look inside you
Strex.
Go to sleep
Strex.
Believe in a smiling god.

StrexCorp.
It is everything.


...

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Thu Jun 19, 2014 11:48 pm UTC

As long as you remember to bring your SCUBA tank.

Whenever I find something I'd like to purchase, a coupon for $1 off that very thing appears in my pocket.
If you like Call of Cthulhu and modern government conspiracy, check out my Delta Green thread.
Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments.

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KingTip
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby KingTip » Fri Jun 20, 2014 12:59 am UTC

even though the coupon is ripped up into microscopic pieces.

I can make people believe every word I say
I'm baaaaaaaaack! ( <- sort of ironic cause I left for a little bit, but I might be back...)

Look around you
Strex.
Look inside you
Strex.
Go to sleep
Strex.
Believe in a smiling god.

StrexCorp.
It is everything.


...

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bug sniper
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bug sniper » Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:19 am UTC

Only teenagers who haven't yet been scammed on an rpg.

Through my enhanced mechanics skills, I can convert cars into airplanes and boats into helicopters.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
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KingTip
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby KingTip » Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:23 am UTC

you can only convert boats and cars into repairable helicopters.

I have midas touched only when I will to have it
I'm baaaaaaaaack! ( <- sort of ironic cause I left for a little bit, but I might be back...)

Look around you
Strex.
Look inside you
Strex.
Go to sleep
Strex.
Believe in a smiling god.

StrexCorp.
It is everything.


...

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Fri Jun 20, 2014 5:49 pm UTC

But Midas is a king, and he likes to be touched. Anytime you refuse to will him to be touched, he has you water-boarded until you comply.

I can move in any direction I choose simply by willing it.
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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Sat Jun 21, 2014 3:23 pm UTC

You move backwards. You didn't notice that concrete wall there. You still move that way. Squish.

I can convince anyone of anything I want.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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Click
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Click » Sat Jun 21, 2014 4:34 pm UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:You move backwards. You didn't notice that concrete wall there. You still move that way. Squish.

I can convince anyone of anything I want.


As long as you are naked.



Oh wait, I totally just turned that into a compelling power. O_o.



I can see all possible choices and all possible outcomes of situations :D.

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snowyowl
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby snowyowl » Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:30 pm UTC

But you can only search through them in alphabetical order. And you have to start over if you press the wrong thing. Still, you're now an expert on many situations involving aardvarks.

I can crush coal into diamonds.
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Whizbang
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Whizbang » Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:26 pm UTC

But only because you are now a mountain.

I can change the balance in my banking account just by typing a new number over the balance field on my bank's website.

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jun 24, 2014 5:34 am UTC

It's a new feature, called easyloan. You pay 30% interest over it.

I can walk through solid concrete walls without damaging the wall or hurting myself.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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bug sniper
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bug sniper » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:12 am UTC

Only when they are made of concrete bricks that are attached together with nothing but knotted rope. You can then put the wall back together for a net damage of $0 to the wall. And to top it all off, your power doesn't even turn you into a ghost.

Thanks to my large supply of invisibility ink, I can turn myself and my things invisible, and can make things visible by washing out the invisible ink.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
-Dungeon Crawl.

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:57 pm UTC

Sadly it works only on the direct surface it was painted on. When you use it on yourself you can see the muscles beneath the skin in all their gory detail. Also it seems to work as a chemical tattoo so washing it out of your skin is next to impossible.

I can speed up or slow down time to a factor 10 or 0,1 at will. This continues to function during sleep so I can get 8 hours of sleep in less than an hour if I want to.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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bug sniper
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bug sniper » Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:26 am UTC

One day, after drinking too much, you pick the wrong setting and accidentally sleep for 3 days straight. Another day, you set it so that you walk too slowly and get arrested for taking 3 minutes to cross the street.

Neil_Boekend wrote:Sadly it works only on the direct surface it was painted on. When you use it on yourself you can see the muscles beneath the skin in all their gory detail. Also it seems to work as a chemical tattoo so washing it out of your skin is next to impossible.


That's awesome. So now a doctor can instantly figure out where to take blood tests, perform appendix amputations, bypass arteries at, and inject antibiotics into infections.
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
-Dungeon Crawl.

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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Jun 25, 2014 6:35 am UTC

bug sniper wrote:One day, after drinking too much, you pick the wrong setting and accidentally sleep for 3 days straight. Another day, you set it so that you walk too slowly and get arrested for taking 3 minutes to cross the street.

Neil_Boekend wrote:Sadly it works only on the direct surface it was painted on. When you use it on yourself you can see the muscles beneath the skin in all their gory detail. Also it seems to work as a chemical tattoo so washing it out of your skin is next to impossible.


That's awesome. So now a doctor can instantly figure out where to take blood tests, perform appendix amputations, bypass arteries at, and inject antibiotics into infections.

But the only people of $sexually_interesting_gender that are attracted to you now just want to see your blood. And they are really interested.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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bug sniper
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bug sniper » Wed Jun 25, 2014 6:47 am UTC

Does that mean I receive vampire powers?
Carry the black torch! Rouse the idle dead!
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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Thu Jun 26, 2014 5:49 pm UTC

As this thread seems in danger of derailment, I'm going to pretend you said

bug sniper wrote:I receive vampire powers.


That's right. Any vampire who chooses to use his or her powers in your presence uses them on you by default.

I can condense any story, no matter how complex, into a brief synopsis that anyone can easily follow.
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Neil_Boekend
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:31 am UTC

The problem is that the synopsis does not cover the edge cases. People get killed because they thought they understood something but they only understood your synopsis. You feel responsible for their deaths.

I can survive anything without any harm except the conscious choice to die.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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KingTip
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby KingTip » Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:55 pm UTC

I can survive anything without any harm except the conscious choice to die.

but one day you go into the doctor, and the medicine they give you for a test makes you think the trigger words, "I want to die", so you do. If it was anyone else they would have easly passed that test, but that is your immortal flaw.

I can solve math instantly.
I'm baaaaaaaaack! ( <- sort of ironic cause I left for a little bit, but I might be back...)

Look around you
Strex.
Look inside you
Strex.
Go to sleep
Strex.
Believe in a smiling god.

StrexCorp.
It is everything.


...

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Whizbang
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Whizbang » Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:34 pm UTC

You instantly solve all the maths. Life then loses all mystery and uncertainty. You quickly become bored as the universe unrolls in the exact way you predicted, down to the planck level. You have solved for all potential outcomes, so changing the future is merely picking one of the near infinite possibilities you already know and have lived in your mind. Life is nothing but a pre-written play, one that you cannot change, and keeping interested becomes impossible. Unlike Paul Muad'dib, there is no hope of ever changing the future by diving into the uncertainty, because all is certain.

I can grant the worst superpowers to anyone simply by touching them.
Last edited by Whizbang on Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:31 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Moose Anus
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Moose Anus » Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:30 pm UTC

Of course, the worst superpower is the ability to be touched by you.

I can bend rocks without breaking them.
Lemonade? ...Aww, ok.

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Yablo
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Yablo » Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:57 pm UTC

But you break everything else that's not a rock without bending it.

I see the truth behind every deception and conspiracy.
If you like Call of Cthulhu and modern government conspiracy, check out my Delta Green thread.
Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments.

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snowyowl
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby snowyowl » Tue Jul 15, 2014 6:36 pm UTC

Reality is a lie. The truth would drive you mad.

I can turn into any animal.
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