Favorite math jokes

For the discussion of math. Duh.

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Grop
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Grop » Mon May 04, 2009 9:13 pm UTC

quadmaster wrote: _
.3
_
.9


I expect these '_' are supposed to be bars.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby MartianInvader » Tue May 05, 2009 2:21 am UTC

Monika wrote:A 3 walks into a bar and sits next to a 2 and a 4. The 4 turns to the 3 and says, "Get out of here, you're too odd to hang out with us!" The 3 breaks down in tears and heads for the door. Just before he storms out, he turns and shouts, "Just you wait - I'll get even!!!"


Pssh, why's he wanna hang out with a square like 4 anyway?
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Sir_Elderberry » Tue May 05, 2009 2:38 am UTC

3 is a square too, he's just not rational about it.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Kurushimi » Tue May 05, 2009 11:04 am UTC

You'd think 2 would give a hand to his prime compatron.

What a back stabber.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby antonfire » Tue May 05, 2009 3:38 pm UTC

Well, everyone knows that 2 is the worst prime. He almost never behaves nicely.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Harg » Tue May 05, 2009 5:11 pm UTC

You could say that is characteristic of it.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby PM 2Ring » Wed May 06, 2009 10:54 am UTC

Kurushimi wrote:You'd think 2 would give a hand to his prime compatron.

What a back stabber.


The primes are scattered all over the place, with no riem an' reason. Whereas the binary powers form a nice progression. Besides, they are much rarer than primes, so they tend to behave in a more exclusive fashion.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby mathmagician » Wed May 06, 2009 3:17 pm UTC

I need a good joke about the Fibonacci sequence, but there's no way in hell I'm going to sift through 20 pages of bad math dribble, explanations of how the bad math dribble was supposedly funny, and idiots who completely missing the point of this thread, attempt to argue about and correct the mistakes of the bad math dribble... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I need a good joke about the Fibonacci sequence. Anyone got anything?
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Wed May 06, 2009 4:06 pm UTC

mathmagician wrote:I need a good joke about the Fibonacci sequence, but there's no way in hell I'm going to sift through 20 pages of bad math dribble, explanations of how the bad math dribble was supposedly funny, and idiots who completely missing the point of this thread, attempt to argue about and correct the mistakes of the bad math dribble... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I need a good joke about the Fibonacci sequence. Anyone got anything?

a) Maybe if you had asked nicer.
b) You know that you can search the thread? There is a search field for this directly above it. But there is just one result, relating to army food, you might not like it.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Goldstein » Wed May 06, 2009 5:00 pm UTC

I love the idea of some sort of lifestyle in which one might urgently need a joke about the Fibonacci sequence.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Ended » Wed May 06, 2009 6:30 pm UTC

Speaking of bad maths dribble, why is it difficult to have a snowball fight in Hilbert space?

Because the snow doesn't compact very well.

Alternatively, to PRE-EMPT THE PEDANTS: because it doesn't snow in Hilbert space.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Wed May 06, 2009 10:29 pm UTC

lim sqrt (3) = 2
3->4

pi is 3 for sufficiently large 3 and sufficiently small pi.

Very much 1 is almost as much as a little bit 2.


The sum of two even primes is always a square.

"Fibonacci" is not short for the Italian name
F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

The number you have just dialed is imaginary. Please turn your phone by 90 degrees and try again. :D

When it's cold, what do mathematicians do? Stand in the corner, there it's always 90 degrees.

Did you know almost all humans have more legs than average?

Q: How often can one subtract 7 from 83 and what's the rest?
A: You can subtract 7 from 83 as often as you like and the rest will always be 76.

Student: "Professor, I have a counter-example for what you are proving right now."
Prof: "No problem, I have two proofs."

Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.

Q: What's polite and works for the phone company?
A: A deferential operator.

Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.

When a mathematician writes a fantasy book, are the page numbers imaginary?

5 out of 4 people have problems with math.

C programmers have been seen to press "3" to get to the fourth floor.
Last edited by Monika on Wed May 06, 2009 10:37 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby 0xDEADBEEF » Wed May 06, 2009 10:37 pm UTC

There are over 25 times as many four-letter acronyms as there are three-letter acronyms.

Nearly half of the population has a double-digit IQ.

The total intelligence of a planet is a constant. The population is increasing exponentially.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Wed May 06, 2009 10:40 pm UTC

Q: What's black and white and fills the entire space?
A: A piano curve.

Optimist: "The glass is half full."
Pessimist: "The glass is half empty."
Engineer: "The glass is double as large as necessary."

What's nourishing and commutative?
An abelian soup.

News headline: Statistician drowned in river with an average depth of 10 cm.

Teacher: "Maion, what's 4 plus 4?"
Marion: "8."
Teacher: "That's right. You can take 8 bonbons." (hard candies)
Marion: "If I had known that I would have said 100."

What's yellow, bent, normed and complete? A Bananach space. 8)
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby niteice » Thu May 07, 2009 4:59 am UTC

Three people are being interviewed for a job: an engineer, a mathematician, and an accountant.

The interviewer says to the engineer: "What is 2 + 2?"

The engineer says: "4."

The interviewer says to the mathematician: "What is 2 + 2?"

The mathematician says: "Well in the general case it is four, but I have this lovely little proof for the case where blahblah..."

The interviewer says to the accountant: "What is 2 + 2?"

The accountant says: "What do you want it to be?"

The accountant is hired.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby quintopia » Thu May 07, 2009 5:48 pm UTC

Monika wrote:Did you know almost all humans have more legs than average?


Mean: yes
Median: no, because it's not true.
Mode: no, because it's not true.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby the tree » Thu May 07, 2009 5:53 pm UTC

You know the thing with jokes and frogs? You just did that.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby teacupthesauceror » Thu May 07, 2009 6:03 pm UTC

I made this one up just now:

There are 4 types of scientists in this world: economists, physicists, mathematicians,

It may need some work...

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby quintopia » Thu May 07, 2009 11:30 pm UTC

the tree wrote:You know the thing with jokes and frogs? You just did that.


It gives me great pleasure.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Fri May 08, 2009 8:39 am UTC

the tree wrote:You know the thing with jokes and frogs? You just did that.

Jokes and frogs?


The reaction of a mathematician to a fundamentally new theory:
1. Completely absurd!
2. Interesting, but perverted!
3. And it's not working anyway!
4. Correct, but irrelevant!
5. Trivial!
6. I have always been doing it like this!


Prove that crocodiles are longer than wide.
Proof:
Lemma 1: A crocodile is longer than green.
Look at a crocodile. It is long at the top and long at the bottom, but only green at the top. Therefore a crocodile is longer than green.
Lemma 2: A crocodile is greener than wide.
Look again at a crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but only wide along its width. Therefore a crocodile is greener than wide.
From Lemma 1 and 2 follows: The crocodile is longer than wide.

The next one is a little difficult to translate.

In the room/space of static functions a (dance) ball is taking place.
On the dance floor cosine and sine dance up and down and the polynoms form a ring.
Only the exponential function is standing around alone all night long.
The identity feels pity and goes to the e function:
"Hey, come on and integrate yourself!"
"I tried!", replies the e function, "It changed nothing!"

A math student finds a frog in the city park. The frog says: "Kiss me, I am a princess!" The math students puts the frog in this pocket. The frog repeats: "Hey kiss me, so i can become a princess again!" But the math student doesn't do it. Finally the princess frog ask: "Hey, why are you not kissing me?" and the math student replies: "I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool."

150 math students in a math lecture.
The professor decides to do something practical for once, writes "10-5" on the blackboard and asks a student to solve it.
The student thinks for a while and answers "6!".
The prof shakes the head about so much stupidity and is starting to reprimand the student, but the audience starts to yell: "Give him another chance, give him one more chance!"
So the prof agrees: "Okay, one more try. I will give you a hint: It's less than 6!".
The student thinks and thinks and finally says: "4!".
Again the audience yells: "Give him another chance, give him one more chance!"
The prof gives in and says: "Okay, one more try. I will give you another hint: It's more than 4!"
The student thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks, and finally he replies: "5!"
And the audience yells: "Give him another chance, give him one more chance!"
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby the tree » Fri May 08, 2009 1:31 pm UTC

Monika wrote:Jokes and frogs?
You can't dissect them without killing them.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Fri May 08, 2009 2:38 pm UTC

the tree wrote:
Monika wrote:Jokes and frogs?
You can't dissect them without killing them.

Oooh.


(Male) Mathematicians are different from other men. They need to the following three things to be real men:
a) Build a house (today "buy" will suffice)
b) father a child
c) calculate the Laplace operator in spherical coordinates.
It has been proven experimentally that the order can be inverted.

What does a mathematician (or computer scientist) say when he is asked whether he would like the window open or closed?
"Yes."

Teacher: "The post man runs at 12 km/h. The dachshund (sausage dog) runs at 16 km/h. The distance is 50 m. When will the dachshund bite the post man? Solve the problem by graphically."
Student: "I can't draw dachshunds."

Prove that all natural numbers are interesting.
Proof: Assume this weren't so. Then there would exist a smallest natural number that is not interesting. This number would obviously be interesting. This is a contradiction to the assumption. The assumption is therefore false. Therefore the assertion that all natural numbers are interesting is true.
:D (One of my favorite proof-jokes. I can't translate it so well, I don't know the English terms that are usually used in mathematical proofs.)

Two mathematicians in a bar. One claims that average people know very little about math. The second disagrees, he says most people at least have a certain basic knowledge. While the first one is on the loo, the second one calls the blonde waitress: "In a few minutes, when my friend is back, I will ask you a question. Could you please reply 'one third x to the power of three'?" The waitress agrees to do this. While going away she mutters: "One third x to the power of three, one third x to the power of three ...". The first mathematician returns. The second says to him: "I will show you that most people know math. I will ask the blonde waitress what the integral of x square is." The friend laughs. They call the waitress and ask her what the integral of x square is. She answers: "One third x to the power of three." While walking away she adds: "plus c".
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby RoadieRich » Mon May 11, 2009 9:46 am UTC

Back to an old style, but I don't think anyone's come up with this yet:

There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are off-by-one.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Mon May 11, 2009 11:43 am UTC

RoadieRich wrote:Back to an old style, but I don't think anyone's come up with this yet:

There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are off-by-one.

This one with off-by-one hasn't been posted, yet, I believe :) . But a set of similar ones that you may enjoy: viewtopic.php?p=802196#p802196


Some "religious" math jokes:

In Vatican City there are two popes per square kilometer.

When a mathematician has the choice between eternal bliss and a bread role, what does he choose?
Of course the bread role:
Nothing is better than eternal bliss and a bread role is better than nothing, thus a bread role is better than eternal bliss.

Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal. But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.

Philosophy is a game with goals, but no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules, but no goals. 8)

The wonder of the increasing of the beer:
How does a normal person make an empty glass of beer into a full glass of beer?
Open fridge, take out bottle, close fridge, open bottle, pour beer into glass, finished.
How does a mathematician do it?
A half full glass of beer is the same as an half empty glass of beer:
1/2 full glass beer = 1/2 empty glass beer
Multiply both sides of the equation with 2:
1 full glass beer = 1 empty glass beer

A limo driver picks up Pope Benedikt XVI (formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger) from the airport.
The pope has a request:
"In Vatican I am never allowed to drive cars. Could you let me drive?"
The driver thinks that that's not such a good idea, after all it's his job to drive the pope and bring him to his destination safely, the driver fears he could lose his job over this.
The pope insists and promises a really high tip, so the driver gives in. He sits in the back and the pope drives.
And how he drives! 150 km/h inside the city.
"Your holyness, please drive slower!"
But it's too late! The police stops them.
The driver (sitting in the back) fears for his driving licence.
The police officer looks into the car, goes back to his car and calls his boss.
"I have stopped someone with 150 km/h inside the city."
"Well, why do you call me, just arrest him."
"I think he might be really important."
"Really important? I don't care, 150 km/h in the city, he could have killed someone, he must be out of his mind, arrest him!"
"I think he might be really really important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I am not sure, but his driver is the pope."

Yeah, this is not a math joke, I had to sneak it in here because I like it a lot :) .
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Niall » Mon May 11, 2009 12:09 pm UTC

CueBall wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, and sits. The second, 1/2 a pint. The third, a quarter. The fourth, an eighth.

The barman says "You're all barmy! Sort yourselves out." and pulls them 2 pints.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bakery, the first orders a pie, the second orders a quarter of a pie, the third a ninth of a pie and so on, the baker says "I see what's going on here". He bakes one pie, cuts off the round edges and divides it into six pieces.


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bank, the first asks to withdraw one dollar, the second for half a dollar, the third for one third of a dollar and so on, the banker thinks for a minute and then tells them to leave.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Mon May 11, 2009 12:53 pm UTC

Niall wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bakery, the first orders a pie, the second orders a quarter of a pie, the third a ninth of a pie and so on, the baker says "I see what's going on here". He bakes one pie, cuts off the round edges and divides it into six pieces.

Uuuh, explain please.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bank, the first asks to withdraw one dollar, the second for half a dollar, the third for one third of a dollar and so on, the banker thinks for a minute and then tells them to leave.

They're robbing the bank :D
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby PM 2Ring » Mon May 11, 2009 1:04 pm UTC

Hi Monika,

Niall wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bakery, the first orders a pie, the second orders a quarter of a pie, the third a ninth of a pie and so on, the baker says "I see what's going on here". He bakes one pie, cuts off the round edges and divides it into six pieces.

[math]\sum_{k=1}^\infty \frac{1}{k^2} = \frac{\pi^2}{6} = \zeta(2)[/math]

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Mon May 11, 2009 1:16 pm UTC

Oh, cutting the round edges off = pie square :lol:

What's the zeta(2)?
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby PM 2Ring » Mon May 11, 2009 1:50 pm UTC

Monika wrote:Oh, cutting the round edges off = pie square

Exactly. :)

Monika wrote:What's the zeta(2)?

Nothing to do with the joke, really. For real n>1,
[math]\zeta(n) = \sum_{k=1}^\infty \frac{1}{k^n}[/math]
For even n, [imath]\zeta(n)[/imath] is a rational multiple of [imath]\pi^n[/imath]. Eg, [imath]\zeta(n) =\frac{\pi^4}{90}[/imath]

This Zeta function can be analytically continued into the complex plane. IOW, there's a function defined on the complex numbers that has the same values as the original function in the domain where the original function converges, but the new function converges in places outside the original domain. This complex version of the Zeta function is known as Riemann's Zeta function, and is central to the famous Riemann Hypothesis on the distribution of prime numbers.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby RoadieRich » Mon May 11, 2009 6:08 pm UTC

Monika wrote:C programmers have been seen to press "3" to get to the fourth floor.

The Americans (who have no "Ground Floor") could also say that about Brits (who do).
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby csrjjsmp » Thu May 14, 2009 1:23 am UTC

I'd like to find a non-abelian job, so I won't have to commute.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby CueBall » Thu May 14, 2009 1:26 am UTC

Not sure if this has been done:

Mathematicians answerphone message:

"You've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Spoiler:
Zohar wrote:Cueball is being generally hilarious today.
Sungura wrote:Cueball, I...I...
...
<3
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby jaap » Thu May 14, 2009 2:26 am UTC

CueBall wrote:Not sure if this has been done:
Yes. Twice.

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby CueBall » Thu May 14, 2009 2:28 am UTC

Humbug.
Spoiler:
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Thu May 14, 2009 8:18 am UTC

Humbug means nonsense. I think this is not what you wanted to say.

__________

Construction/parts of detective stories, designed by a mathematican
Chapter I The formation of the Babylonian system of law
Chapter II The constitutions of the respective country
Chapter III The organizational structure of the ministry of police
Chapter IV Elements of the practice of law in courts
Chapter V Theory of finger prints
....
Chapter XXX (last page) The dead body
(Left to the reader as a trivial practice task.)

___________

A mathematician, a theologist, a physicist, a statistician, a biologist, and a midwife watch how five people step into an elevator and shortly later six step out.
Mathematician: "If one person enters the elvator, it will be empty."
Theologist: "A wonder, a wonder!"
Physicist: "Tunneling."
Statistician: "20% deviation/measuring imprecision."
Biologist: "They must have reproduced."
Midwife: "That's how it always is in our delivery ward."


Suggestions for better translations (espcially of mathematical terms) always welcome.
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby olleoc » Sun May 17, 2009 7:04 am UTC

I'd be surprised if this has been done, and yeah the build up's a bit too long for it to be clever but whatev:

Three squires decide to go on a trip to a zoo. Let's call them Squire A, Squire B, and Squire C. Unusually, the zoo is offering free rides on any animal of choice to all. This excites the three squires. "Ooh ooh ooh, I wanna go on a giraffe!" says Squire A, and so he does. "I wonder what riding a tiger would be like?" ponders Squire B, and so he finds out. But Squire C is troubled, as he does weigh more than the average man, in fact he weighs as much as Squires A and B combined. Fortunately, the zoo has a hippo and so he is allowed for a ride on that. And what is the point in this whole story you ask? Well, brace yourself and prepare to groan:

It is that the squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.

:) Thank you, and good night!
What if epsilon were less than zero? Woah...

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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Monika » Sun May 17, 2009 3:16 pm UTC

Hehe :D .

I have read a similar one some time ago:

There were three kingdoms that had been in war for years. Finally, the three kings decided to have a fight between their knights only to end the war this way.

On the evening before the battle, the knights and their squires set up their camps and prepare for the fight. The first kingdom has a dozen knights and each has several squires, and they all polish the armor, brush the horses or cook food. The second kingdom has even more knights and each has even more squires and they do the same. The third kingdom has only one knight and one squire. This squire takes a pot and hangs it with a looped rope into a high tree. He cooks the food while the knight polishes his own armor.

The next day the knights, who feel this matter is to trivial for them, send their squires to fight.

The battle rages and when the dust clears, the only person standing is the squire from the third kingdom. He has defeated them all, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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roderik
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby roderik » Tue May 19, 2009 2:19 pm UTC

RoadieRich wrote:Back to an old style, but I don't think anyone's come up with this yet:

There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are off-by-one.


I know of a similar one that goes:

There are 10 types of people: Those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

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Agent Foxtrot
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Agent Foxtrot » Tue May 19, 2009 3:28 pm UTC

Super lame, but I got a small chuckle out of it:

Q: What is a polar bear?
A: A Cartesian bear that's undergone a coordinate transform.

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Grop
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Re: Favorite math jokes

Postby Grop » Tue May 19, 2009 3:47 pm UTC

Not a math joke, and even lamer (but I like it)

What is big, hairy, and looks like a big tooth?

Spoiler:
A molar bear.


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