guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Bakemaster » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:33 am UTC

SecondTalon wrote:While, sure, it's not something that needs to be shouted off a rooftop ("I HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!! WOO!!!)

...if I imagined T-Rex doing that in a DC strip and lol'd, does that make me a terrible person?
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Sissi » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:35 am UTC

Bakemaster wrote:
SecondTalon wrote:While, sure, it's not something that needs to be shouted off a rooftop ("I HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!! WOO!!!)

...if I imagined T-Rex doing that in a DC strip and lol'd, does that make me a terrible person?

No. But, if you had a wank to it, you would be an indecent person who should never have any children.
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Bakemaster » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:50 am UTC

Nope, wrong user.
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby mspickle » Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:30 am UTC

still blame myself for all her missed opportunities. She's one of the most astute, intelligent people i know, and she should have gone to college, but there was me. My dad should have been in college a lot sooner than he was, but he had to work because there was me. They both, though divorced, had a ton of help raising me, but it was NOT easy for them by any means. I blame me. Me. Me. Me. So, as a child that could have been terminated, sometimes i think "its better if i hadnt been born.



I wish you could consider yourself another person reading this. Then you would see how indefensible it is to blame yourself for having been conceived. It is incredible the blame people assign themselves! Let me put it this way: people who blame George Bush for sending hurricane Katrina to New Orleans make more sense.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby SecondTalon » Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:34 am UTC

Bakemaster wrote:
SecondTalon wrote:While, sure, it's not something that needs to be shouted off a rooftop ("I HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!! WOO!!!)

...if I imagined T-Rex doing that in a DC strip and lol'd, does that make me a terrible person?

it makes you an awesome person. We should hang out. You should totally drive down here, because that's not inconvenient at all, is it?
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby hermaj » Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:02 am UTC

goku77 wrote:"By the "she thought he was a really nice guy but she was wrong" I'm going to assume she told him and he's pulled a Houdini."
no, that's what she said a few weeks before this when i asked her about this guy. it's been very confusing. like every time we discuss the situation she'll say things like that and act like she's decided to dump him entirely, and then a few days pass and i find nothing has changed. so i really don't know what to think anymore. but that's not really the topic here.


A friend of mine once pointed this out to me when we were in a similar situation with a friend - we thought her boyfriend was incredibly dodgy and we always heard bad things about him from her. You are far more likely to hear about it when things are going badly. If she's upset in her relationship and has some sort of emotional connection with you she is going to come to you to get stuff off her chest whenever there is a problem. She is going to say all the things she wishes in the heat of the moment she could say to him, and then she is probably going to calm down and get over it and not go and dump the guy. If you have this whole emotional thing going on, she is probably not going to come and talk to you when things are going great, so it's reasonable to assume you're going to have a somewhat skewed interpretation of the guy, especially given your feelings for her.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby parkaboy » Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:30 am UTC

mspickle wrote:
still blame myself for all her missed opportunities. She's one of the most astute, intelligent people i know, and she should have gone to college, but there was me. My dad should have been in college a lot sooner than he was, but he had to work because there was me. They both, though divorced, had a ton of help raising me, but it was NOT easy for them by any means. I blame me. Me. Me. Me. So, as a child that could have been terminated, sometimes i think "its better if i hadnt been born.



I wish you could consider yourself another person reading this. Then you would see how indefensible it is to blame yourself for having been conceived. It is incredible the blame people assign themselves! Let me put it this way: people who blame George Bush for sending hurricane Katrina to New Orleans make more sense.


oh no, i get it. i realize its completely ridiculous and it ISNT my fault but when i'm already feeling down on myself my subconscious likes to bring this up and toss it on the pile. Despite KNOWING it is absolutely false, it doesnt go away.
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Melzerang » Fri Feb 29, 2008 8:57 pm UTC

So i am the one Goku is talking about. The girl in trouble. What i thought would be helpful hints abotu what i COULD do turned out to be a brutal slap in the face. thankfully, it was reality.

You were all right when you sai d i should have had more respect. I agree, im sorry.
No, the guy who did tis wont get violent.
and yes it is true for sure so just thought u should know.

you can attack me all u want but i did get a few helpful sites so thank you to tose who helped. and by the way lol @ second talons sarcasm.
i think i already know what i am going to do, so thank you.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby goku77 » Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:08 pm UTC

well guys now i need help with something else.

me: so you're keeping it?
me: or you don't know yet?
her: i dont think i could give it up
her: it would feel like murder
me: well
me: we can't be together then
me: I can't expect you to leave him if this is how it turns out
me: it's too late for that
all this time... for years we loved eachother and didn't know it. now it's too late. we still want eachother but it's now impossible. i can hardly see through the tears. i hardly feel like living anymore. what do i do?


why? why does it have to end like this?

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby btilly » Sat Mar 01, 2008 1:49 am UTC

goku77 wrote:well guys now i need help with something else.

me: so you're keeping it?
me: or you don't know yet?
her: i dont think i could give it up
her: it would feel like murder
me: well
me: we can't be together then
me: I can't expect you to leave him if this is how it turns out
me: it's too late for that
all this time... for years we loved eachother and didn't know it. now it's too late. we still want eachother but it's now impossible. i can hardly see through the tears. i hardly feel like living anymore. what do i do?


why? why does it have to end like this?

Do you want me to be honest or nice?

Nice:
Spoiler:
For now you put one foot in front of the other. Your world won't end, you'll just wish it did. Eventually you'll find yourself interested in someone else, and life will improve.

In the meantime life sucks. It feels horrible, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. However it happens to virtually all of us, as is evidenced by all of the songs about heartbreak that are out there.

Honest:
Spoiler:
Your description looks like a classic example of "nice guy whose female friend complains to about the string of jerks she dates." In fact so classic that I would not be surprised to find that she never really loved you. And just said she did to string you along and keep your shoulder available for her comfort.

Why do women wind up going for jerks over nice guys so often? Well the short version is that women find confidence attractive, and devotion pleasant. So she wants to be around you because you're devoted, but really is attracted to confident jerks. In fact at a subconscious level your devotion is a signal to her that she could do better than you. Pick-up artists have learned this dynamic well. A common part of their approach is to project confidence and make it clear that they could do better than whatever woman they happen to be with. Not exactly nice, but surprisingly effective.

Why would this be? Well confidence is attractive is because it is generally tied to status. And women generally like being with high status men. The classic stereotype of a perfect man is therefore Prince Charming, a confident, high-status man who is very devoted to his woman. Unfortunately for woman, single men who project that confidence usually learn that they have no particular reason to be nice to women, there are are always more available. And so you get the stereotypical confident jerks, and the women who keep on falling for them. Eventually many women will settle for a nice guy. But a depressing number continue to find jerks attractive.

Evolutionarily this makes sense. Women need help with raising babies, but also would like to have kids with the best genetic material they can. The result in many species with pair-bonding (eg many species of birds do this) is that females pair with males, and have most of their kids with the mate (documented rates vary from 60%-90% - humans are near the high end of that range), but have sex on the side with high status males. While we cannot show that evolution actually is responsible for the human dynamics, the observed results in humans resemble strongly what we see in many other species.

See http://books.google.com/books?id=gQhFzM ... #PPA366,M1 or http://www.unm.edu/~gfmiller/new_papers ... review.doc for some more on current thought about the connections between sexuality and evolution.


Edited for minor grammar mistakes.
Last edited by btilly on Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:39 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby jerome_bc » Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:12 am UTC

btilly wrote:Honest:
Spoiler:
Your description looks like a classic example of "nice guy whose female friend complains to about the string jerks she dates." In fact so classic that I would not be surprised to find that she never really loved you. And just said she did to string you along and keep your shoulder for her comfort.

Why do women wind up going for jerks over nice guys so often? Well the short version is that women find confidence attractive, and devotion pleasant. So she wants to be around you because you're devoted, but really is attracted to confident jerks. In fact at a subconscious level your devotion is a signal to her that she could do better than you. Pick-up artists have learned this dynamic well. A common part of their approach is to project confidence and make it clear that they could do better than whatever woman they happen to be with. Not exactly nice, but surprisingly effective.

Why would this be? Well confidence is attractive is because it is generally tied to status. And women generally like being with high status men. The classic stereotype of a perfect man is therefore Prince Charming, a confident, high-status man who is very devoted to his woman. Unfortunately for woman, single men who project that confidence usually learn that they have no particular reason to be nice to women, there are are always more available. And so you get the stereotypical confident jerks, and the women who keep on falling for them. Eventually many women will settle for a nice guy. But a depressing number continue to find jerks attractive.

Evolutionarily this makes sense. Women need help with raising babies, but also would like to have kids with the best genetic material they can. The result in many species with pair-bonding (eg many species of birds do this) is that females pair with males, and have most of their kids with the mate (documented rates vary from 60%-90% - humans are near the high end of that range), but have sex on the side with high status males. While we cannot show that evolution actually is responsible for the human dynamics, the observed results in humans resemble strongly what we see in, for instance, many species of birds who pair-bond.

See http://books.google.com/books?id=gQhFzM ... #PPA366,M1 or http://www.unm.edu/~gfmiller/new_papers ... review.doc for some more on current thought about the connections between sexuality and evolution.


Apparently, we have been reading the same books. I have not read the ones you linked, but I have read several books expressing similar ideas.
Spoiler:
I have been in such a situation in high school, several months ago (yes, I am young enough that high school was only several months ago) where the confident jerk happened to be one of my best friends. The girl said she liked both of us, but my friend had no interest in her, and it soon became apparent that she would never get in a relationship with me. Fortunately, I was able to let go, and not stupid enough to waste a friendship over this. Sometimes I wish I had not read those books, because now I know exactly what I am doing wrong, and exactly how much work I will have to invest to fix it, which is a bit depressing. Of course, this is cowardly, and the reasonable part of my mind knows that it is better this way. Also, reading such books when you are 17 is a surefire way to destroy your teenager's romantic view of male-female relationships, which may or may not be a good thing.


goku77 wrote:well guys now i need help with something else.

me: so you're keeping it?
me: or you don't know yet?
her: i dont think i could give it up
her: it would feel like murder
me: well
me: we can't be together then
me: I can't expect you to leave him if this is how it turns out
me: it's too late for that
all this time... for years we loved eachother and didn't know it. now it's too late. we still want each other but it's now impossible. i can hardly see through the tears. i hardly feel like living anymore. what do i do?


why? why does it have to end like this?


I agree with btilly "honest" answer, even though I don't like it. I am not really in a place where I can give you good advice on this, because my experience is limited, what with being 18 years old and all. All I can tell you is to hang in there, and that, although you may not realise it right now, the experience you gain from this will be helpful in the future. At least, my bad experiences were for me.
Last edited by jerome_bc on Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:30 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby mspickle » Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:22 am UTC

You're feeling so much heartache, I know it hurts. Please, though, respect that these two people have created a life together, another human being, and they are going to have to work this out for this child (whether or not that means they're together- but it seems like they're going to give it a try), and that's something that is hard to accept when you're the one who feels left alone. It really hurts but the pain will lessen with time. This happens to most people (and it has happened to me)-you love someone who loves someone else, or in any event, is not the person you perceived them to be. I've had my heart broken- I remember when the guy I thought I was going to marry went back to his ex-girlfriend and I went over to see him and she was there- I stormed out- really hurt and I cried for days and needed valiums. I was about 20, like you are now.
You do have friends and please let us know how you are doing. I wish the couple well and hope their child is happy and healthy- I'm hoping for the best for all of you- and in the meantime I know at some point you will meet someone closer to you- you will fall in love again...with someone who is 100% committed to you as you are to her. Life's lessons are hard and I pray for you- you will be all right.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby btilly » Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:46 am UTC

jerome_bc wrote:
btilly wrote:Honest:
Spoiler:
Your description looks like a classic example of "nice guy whose female friend complains to about the string jerks she dates." In fact so classic that I would not be surprised to find that she never really loved you. And just said she did to string you along and keep your shoulder for her comfort.

Why do women wind up going for jerks over nice guys so often? Well the short version is that women find confidence attractive, and devotion pleasant. So she wants to be around you because you're devoted, but really is attracted to confident jerks. In fact at a subconscious level your devotion is a signal to her that she could do better than you. Pick-up artists have learned this dynamic well. A common part of their approach is to project confidence and make it clear that they could do better than whatever woman they happen to be with. Not exactly nice, but surprisingly effective.

Why would this be? Well confidence is attractive is because it is generally tied to status. And women generally like being with high status men. The classic stereotype of a perfect man is therefore Prince Charming, a confident, high-status man who is very devoted to his woman. Unfortunately for woman, single men who project that confidence usually learn that they have no particular reason to be nice to women, there are are always more available. And so you get the stereotypical confident jerks, and the women who keep on falling for them. Eventually many women will settle for a nice guy. But a depressing number continue to find jerks attractive.

Evolutionarily this makes sense. Women need help with raising babies, but also would like to have kids with the best genetic material they can. The result in many species with pair-bonding (eg many species of birds do this) is that females pair with males, and have most of their kids with the mate (documented rates vary from 60%-90% - humans are near the high end of that range), but have sex on the side with high status males. While we cannot show that evolution actually is responsible for the human dynamics, the observed results in humans resemble strongly what we see in, for instance, many species of birds who pair-bond.

See http://books.google.com/books?id=gQhFzM ... #PPA366,M1 or http://www.unm.edu/~gfmiller/new_papers ... review.doc for some more on current thought about the connections between sexuality and evolution.

Apparently, we have been reading the same books. I have not read the ones you linked, but I have read several books expressing similar ideas.

Actually we probably haven't. This dynamic is something that I've been aware of for a while, and I keep on running across articles about various aspects of it. But I've never actually read a book on this particular subject. So I typed the whole explanation in and then thought, "Someone's going to call me on this if I don't give a reference or two" so I googled for information that I already knew I would find. And those links came up in the first page of my search.

If there are any books on this topic that you've found particularly interesting, by all means add references to them to the thread.

jerome_bc wrote:I agree with btilly "honest" answer, even though I don't like it. I am not really in a place where I can give you good advice on this, because my experience is limited, what with being 18 years old and all. All I can tell you is to hang in there, and that, although you may not realise it right now, the experience you gain from this will be helpful in the future. At least, my bad experiences were for me.

Heh. I was getting married back when you were getting born, and I'm not sure my advice was any more useful. :wink:
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby jerome_bc » Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:03 am UTC

btilly wrote:
jerome_bc wrote:
btilly wrote:Honest:
Spoiler:
Your description looks like a classic example of "nice guy whose female friend complains to about the string jerks she dates." In fact so classic that I would not be surprised to find that she never really loved you. And just said she did to string you along and keep your shoulder for her comfort.

Why do women wind up going for jerks over nice guys so often? Well the short version is that women find confidence attractive, and devotion pleasant. So she wants to be around you because you're devoted, but really is attracted to confident jerks. In fact at a subconscious level your devotion is a signal to her that she could do better than you. Pick-up artists have learned this dynamic well. A common part of their approach is to project confidence and make it clear that they could do better than whatever woman they happen to be with. Not exactly nice, but surprisingly effective.

Why would this be? Well confidence is attractive is because it is generally tied to status. And women generally like being with high status men. The classic stereotype of a perfect man is therefore Prince Charming, a confident, high-status man who is very devoted to his woman. Unfortunately for woman, single men who project that confidence usually learn that they have no particular reason to be nice to women, there are are always more available. And so you get the stereotypical confident jerks, and the women who keep on falling for them. Eventually many women will settle for a nice guy. But a depressing number continue to find jerks attractive.

Evolutionarily this makes sense. Women need help with raising babies, but also would like to have kids with the best genetic material they can. The result in many species with pair-bonding (eg many species of birds do this) is that females pair with males, and have most of their kids with the mate (documented rates vary from 60%-90% - humans are near the high end of that range), but have sex on the side with high status males. While we cannot show that evolution actually is responsible for the human dynamics, the observed results in humans resemble strongly what we see in, for instance, many species of birds who pair-bond.

See http://books.google.com/books?id=gQhFzM ... #PPA366,M1 or http://www.unm.edu/~gfmiller/new_papers ... review.doc for some more on current thought about the connections between sexuality and evolution.

Apparently, we have been reading the same books. I have not read the ones you linked, but I have read several books expressing similar ideas.

Actually we probably haven't. This dynamic is something that I've been aware of for a while, and I keep on running across articles about various aspects of it. But I've never actually read a book on this particular subject. So I typed the whole explanation in and then thought, "Someone's going to call me on this if I don't give a reference or two" so I googled for information that I already knew I would find. And those links came up in the first page of my search.

If there are any books on this topic that you've found particularly interesting, by all means add references to them to the thread.


In fact I was exaggerating a bit. It's more like parts of a few books and some articles than several books. It mostly comes from books about becoming a pick-up artist and such. Although the parts about psychology and evolution are interesting, and are very similar to what you wrote, it seems to me the methods they describe are plain manipulation, and I'm rather disgusted by them. Somewhere deep down, a part of my romantic view of love is not dead, I would think. "The Game" and "The Venusian Arts Handbook" are two such books, but I don't really recommend them, unless you are the type of shallow person whose only goal in life is to get laid as often as possible, and I doubt many XKCD forumites fit in this category.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby goku77 » Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:40 pm UTC

well i know there will be others... i've had so many failed relationships they hardly even affect me anymore. what hurts is knowing that for seven years we loved eachother and most of that time we didn't even know it. this is not just a failed relationship. this is the only relationship i've ever had that amounted to more than taking her out to lunch. she actually wanted me. emotionally, sexually, the whole 9 yards. and i didn't even fuck it up. she did. i did everything right and it still doesn't work. and i feel like even if i meet someone else they won't be as perfect as she was. she was beautiful, fun, enjoyed the same things i do, not - at first anyway - already in a relationship, impressed by my unusual talents that so few others care about, and actually thought i was cool. she was so perfect. the only thing she wasn't was honest, and even then, she didn't keep any secrets or lie to me as far as i can tell. the only time we ever fought about anything was when i made a stupid mistake and accused her of something she didn't do.

it was just too perfect. i can't imagine ever meeting someone so perfect again, someone who makes me so happy, even if she brought pain too, it didn't match up to the joy. we enjoyed just being with eachother even when it was only through an internet connection, and we enjoyed it a lot. i don't feel like anyone else can ever take her place. like the odds of actually finding someone else as good as her are ridiculous.

and knowing that even if it's because of her mistake that it has to end, there were so many things i could have done differently to prevent the entire situation. if i could only have been more forward in high school. if i hadn't moved. if i'd come back sooner. even if she's the one who fucked up i can't help but feel partly responsible and now both of us have to suffer for it.

this has to be the most painful thing i've ever been through by far. breaking a few bones is nothing in comparison. i don't know what to do anymore. i can't function at all. i feel like throwing up. i'm cold all the time.

i appreciate the input but knowing why she would do this doesn't help at this point. it's too late to fix it unless one of you has a time machine. please tell me you do.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby goku77 » Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:39 am UTC

hey, pardon the double post, but something weird is going on. ok obviously this has been extremely hard on me. i was crying as i wrote that post. i might have killed myself were i not smart enough to know that's never the answer. i couldn't sleep at all. i couldn't do a damn thing.

we talked more about this at 11am today, and basically only confirmed that this is the end. naturally, i cried a lot more. for a good half hour. by about 11:45 i was feeling slightly better. enough to be able to at least get up and browse the fora to keep my mind off it.

when i left for work at 2pm i was still struggling to keep from crying. it's a long walk across town and it was very cold. when i arrived at 3pm*... i was happy. i was in a really good mood that only got better as the day went on. by 4pm i was in the best mood i've been in for months. extremely happy, practically bouncing off the walls, literally running and jumping everywhere just for fun, which i only do when i'm in a *very* good mood.

i'm not complaining, but this doesn't make any goddamn sense! i didn't change my mind about anything. i still wish all of this had never happened and that we could still be together. i still love her. it still hurts to think about it. but for some reason i've been in a really good mood since then. what the hell? i have nothing to be happy about. i should still be depressed if anything. why am i so damn happy? it took days to get over previous relationships that meant basically nothing. surely i can't have got over this one already? and even then, why am i suddenly in a really *good* mood? it's as if i got so depressed my happiness integer-underflowed.

(*yes, it takes me an hour to walk to work. it kinda sucks, but i can do it no problem.)

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby mspickle » Sun Mar 02, 2008 5:18 am UTC

Well I'm not sure why the mood change, I'm thinking endorphines with exercise, maybe sunshine and serotonin, but whatever it is, go with it! Glad you are feeling better. Maybe in a subconscious way you are happy you are free of this and are letting go and letting yourself live.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby parkaboy » Sun Mar 02, 2008 5:27 am UTC

or it could be a defense mechanism, and when it breaks down all that backed up emotion is going to come a-floodin'.
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Freakish » Sun Mar 02, 2008 9:47 am UTC

Wow... I've written and erased about 5 posts in an attempt to not be an ass... I really can't think of any "nice" advice. Umm... Hang in there...
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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby cypherspace » Sun Mar 02, 2008 2:29 pm UTC

goku77 wrote:i'm not complaining, but this doesn't make any goddamn sense! i didn't change my mind about anything. i still wish all of this had never happened and that we could still be together. i still love her. it still hurts to think about it. but for some reason i've been in a really good mood since then. what the hell? i have nothing to be happy about. i should still be depressed if anything. why am i so damn happy? it took days to get over previous relationships that meant basically nothing. surely i can't have got over this one already? and even then, why am i suddenly in a really *good* mood? it's as if i got so depressed my happiness integer-underflowed.
Don't assume that that's the end of any mood-swings. I hope it is, but from experience, your mind does fucked-up things in this sort of situation. Be prepared for something worse!
"It was like five in the morning and he said he'd show me his hamster"

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby Simbera » Mon Mar 03, 2008 11:27 am UTC

I don't have nearly as much experience as a lot of the people here, but I can tell you this; having been really into several girls in my life and in love with one, I know I was where you are now - "This was more than the other ones, I'll never find someone as good as her, et cetera et cetera." Trust me, you will...well, I'll amend that; pretty soon she won't seem so perfect, you'll take her off the pedestal you've created and see that, great though she might be, she's a human being with flaws like everyone else. Then finding someone as good as her or better won't seem such an insurmountable task.

<^>
“From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” – Edvard Munch

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby DuSTman » Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:08 am UTC

goku77 wrote:..by 4pm i was in the best mood i've been in for months. extremely happy, practically bouncing off the walls, literally running and jumping everywhere just for fun, which i only do when i'm in a *very* good mood.

i'm not complaining, but this doesn't make any goddamn sense! i didn't change my mind about anything. i still wish all of this had never happened and that we could still be together. i still love her. it still hurts to think about it. but for some reason i've been in a really good mood since then. what the hell? i have nothing to be happy about. i should still be depressed if anything. why am i so damn happy? it took days to get over previous relationships that meant basically nothing. surely i can't have got over this one already? and even then, why am i suddenly in a really *good* mood? it's as if i got so depressed my happiness integer-underflowed.


See, that's because you're now free.

I find having a crush on someone manifests itself all over the place psychologically. They become the reason for doing things, the main factor in decision making, your aspirations for the future and most of the thoughts that play with your mind when you're all alone.

Suddenly, that's gone. Once again your decisions are made for yourself. Once again the future can hold any action and with anyone, anywhere. You no longer constrain your fantasies to those that are likely to enable you to keep by her side. Once the initial disappointment is out of the way it is a huge weight off your mind.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby '; DROP DATABASE;-- » Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:58 am UTC

OK, so goku77 is actually me. I did the whole anonymous thing because she didn't want anyone to know, but she says it doesn't matter anymore, and it's a pain in the ass. :P (And anyway she posted using the same screen name she uses everywhere else... <_<) You can delete that account if you want, I won't be using it anymore.

Anyway. The fora have been a great way to keep my mind occupied, and that's helped a lot. (Thanks! :P) My mood seems to have stabilized again. This has been a crazy experience but - barring any further random mood swings - I think it's over with. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I recover quickly from physical injuries too, heh.

Even in such severe depression the logical part of my brain didn't skip a beat, which is awesome. Nothing like a thorough logical analysis of the situation to help you realize it's not as big a problem as it seems.

Simbera wrote:I don't have nearly as much experience as a lot of the people here, but I can tell you this; having been really into several girls in my life and in love with one, I know I was where you are now - "This was more than the other ones, I'll never find someone as good as her, et cetera et cetera." Trust me, you will...well, I'll amend that; pretty soon she won't seem so perfect, you'll take her off the pedestal you've created and see that, great though she might be, she's a human being with flaws like everyone else. Then finding someone as good as her or better won't seem such an insurmountable task.

<^>
You're definitely right about that. Being so heavily in love with someone really distorts your perception of them. After a little while I realized I'd been ignoring her flaws and exaggerating her strengths. Not to say she isn't beautiful, but that she isn't the perfect 10 I'd made her out to be. And other things, but it's extremely difficult to explain them without making it sound insulting, and I think she's still reading this. :P Basically, she's great, but not perfect. (Well, I never thought she was perfect, but extremely close.)

What I think is most important is that now, with emotion no longer clouding my mind, I can look at the situation logically. I realized several important things that didn't seem very important or weren't obvious before:
1) Long distance relationship or not, sleeping with another guy is still cheating on me dammit.
2) The only real change this brings about, as far as "us" goes, is that the possibility of ever having sex with her drops to an infinitesimal amount. There is no need to stop talking or playing online video games or any of that other fun stuff we'd do over the Internet. In fact, from a sexual standpoint this is beneficial, as I'm now free to find local girls to have sex with, which wouldn't require a cross-country trip every time I wanted to get it on. (Though I guess cheating on someone who cheated on you isn't really a bad thing, but whatever. :P)
3) There are literally billions of girls on this planet.
4) Risk vs reward. If they're already in a relationship, that does not mean I don't have a chance with them. It just means it'll be more difficult and I'll have to make an effort to avoid getting beat up. ;)
5) When weighing in someone's strengths and weaknesses, they don't have to match or exceed hers. It's the total that matters. And even that doesn't have to match hers, as long as it's decently high. <analogy>You wouldn't reject $800,000 just because you recently had a shot at $1,000,000 and didn't get it. And whether it's a large cheque plus a few bills or a small cheque plus a lot of bills, or $800,000 worth of gold, it's still $800,000.</analogy>
6) My porno directory is plenty of proof that many more girls at least as attractive as her exist. :lol: Even excluding the "professional" stuff where you know they look nothing like that in real life without their makeup and contacts and lighting and so on.

In any case this has been quite the interesting experience, and thanks for all your support. I'm still quite shocked at how fast I recovered from this. It still hurts to think about it, but when I do, it's like "yeah that sucks, let's think about something else now". Which is really cool. My brain rocks.

As for her, she seems pretty calm. I think she's figured out for the most part how she's going to deal with this. I have no idea what the situation is with the other guy though.

(Still, if any of you guys has a time machine... and speaking of which, holy fuck, it's 2AM. >_<)
poxic wrote:You suck. And simultaneously rock. I think you've invented a new state of being.

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Re: guys i need help (A friend's pregnancy)

Postby goku77 » Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:01 am UTC

'; DROP DATABASE;-- wrote:OK, so goku77 is actually me.
wtf no you're not


































Just kidding. :P Just posting to say it's true. Hopefully this isn't going against some sort of no-double-accounts rule, obviously it's a pretty special case and I only did it to protect her identity as requested. kbai
(and am I good at this anonymous thing or what? ;))


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