Kilroy(ZTC) wrote:I don't know what good it does to post this, for me or for anyone, but I've come to admit to myself that even now I want to be a man and not a woman. And not for healthy reasons, and in spite of the knowledge that I fundamentally can't be. I just feel cheated. I was told I would "outgrow it", and people drew huge debts from me in the name of facilitating this, inflicting irreparable injury. I was promised that I would be a man and that promise justified a quarter of a lifetime of pain (and undoubtedly more to come), and gave me the means and motive to tolerate it and push through it. Learning to do that shaped me in a fundamental way. It accounts for my withdrawn and generally stoical nature, which I have tried to undo desperately and repeatedly but without success. It imbued me with the sort of discipline that I call upon daily just to continue to live; and knowing that said discipline comes, fundamentally, from a place of self-hatred and self-destruction leaves me conflicted even in the act of survival. I don't know how to reverse it or build it on a different foundation, so I wonder if maybe I would be more free and authentic if I simply resolved to starve to death or die of exposure on the street, since then I would be rid of it at least. I'm not sure what there is to be said about this, productive or not, so I assume any comment on the subject will be a surprise.
It sounds like you are thinking about the inherent issue, evaluating the success/failure of the actions of the past with regard to that issue, considering whether a change of direction is called for and, if so, how to effect that change. Those are all good things. They are part of a process which is often painful and rarely fun, but which can lead to a much improved situation. Is anyone helping you work through this?