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Whats your voicemail/answering machine message?

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 9:52 am UTC
by Berge
Any exceptions to the boring "Hello, you've reached so and so....?"


I'm lucky enough that I don't have to have to worry about maintaining any sort of professionalism regarding my phone, as the only ones who will be calling are friends and family. Thus:

"Hello, you've reached 3141592653. Please leave a rational message."

is the newest incarnation.

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 9:59 am UTC
by Puellus Peregrinus
My message wrote:You know who you called and you know what to do.
*beep*

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 10:13 am UTC
by Edna
Stolen from Therapy? mine offers thus ......

"Leave a message or leave me alone"

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 10:46 am UTC
by Daem0hn
"Hi your reached Mike's Phone, please leave a message after the tone!"

it rhymes :D

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 11:36 am UTC
by Toeofdoom
Mine is fairly normal, but my friend has one where it tells you you're talking to a fridge and to talk slowly so it can write a sticky note and stick it on itself. :D

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 12:22 pm UTC
by lyworm
You have reached the voicemail of <my phone number>, please leave a message.

It's just the default and I've never really seen a reason to change it.

(when I was 12 though I had a really cool one on my cellphone, it sounded like the machine voice and all and then it sneezed! It was awesome 8) )

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 12:43 pm UTC
by hermaj
Mine's "heyleaveamessage" in a kind of pissed off voice. I recorded it after having to press a zillion buttons to do with voicemail before I could even use the phone and I was grumpy. And 15. I should change it, but I do not know how!

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 1:01 pm UTC
by Tractor
When I first got my answering machine, I didn't have any good message ideas. So I went with "Hi you've reached me, I've got a new answering machine, leave a message or a new recording suggestion". Actual wording may vary. However, that was a year or two ago, and I haven't changed it. On the other hand, no one has left me any suggestions. :P

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 1:13 pm UTC
by MFHodge
Believe it or not, George isn't at home,
So leave a message at the beep.
I must be out or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not I'm not home!

(Sadly, I don't really use this . . . and my name isn't George. I do have the MP3 at home.)

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 1:15 pm UTC
by GhostWolfe
Mine is boring, but I worked in HR and I used to hate it when I was calling someone about a job interview and got those awful, tacky "purchasable" messages.

I strongly remember one girl who has this incredibly annoying Fran Drescher/Nanny voice informing me that <record your name here> was on a model shot in somewhere exotic. Sheer professionalism kept me from hanging up.

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 1:17 pm UTC
by Verysillyman
hermaj wrote:Mine's "heyleaveamessage" in a kind of pissed off voice. I recorded it after having to press a zillion buttons to do with voicemail before I could even use the phone and I was grumpy. And 15. I should change it, but I do not know how!


Mine's something like that, with the addendum that I can't talk cos i'm driving fast, and the sounds of cars drivingt in the background. I was just trying to listen to a message left on it while i drove home, but it insisted that I set up a greeting.

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:34 pm UTC
by stuck
"g'day, leave a message" beep

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:35 pm UTC
by Phenriz
the default female robot voice: "You have reached (reads off phone number) please leave a message at the tone"

don't try to copy me, you'll only fail.




miserably

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:44 pm UTC
by Lani
I had to use my cell phone for work for a long time, so mine's pretty straightforward and professionalish. I haven't come up with anything fun since then. When I was a kid, I used to sell Altoids to my step-siblings (what can I say - I'm an opportunist) and answer the phone "Lani's Altoid Outback" or "Polly's Pollywogs and Frogs".

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 5:05 pm UTC
by pete
I've considered recording the standard robot lady then shuffling the digits in my number around.

Not a good idea for me though, since I mostly use my phone for work.

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 5:43 pm UTC
by Puellus Peregrinus
Do people actually use that "you have called ninesixeightfourtwonineone"? I probably already know your number and unless it is a prime, square or something really fancy I don't really care to memorize it. Just use your name if you have one. </rant>

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 5:44 pm UTC
by gmalivuk
I don't have one at the moment, but my dad's, for a long time, has been

Howdy howdy howdy,
This is 6 7 3 6 5 8 2
Home of the Hartley-Malivuks, shoopty-doo.
We're not here, no, we're not home
But you can leave your message on our tele-phone.
Leave your name, your number, and give us your rhyme,
And we'll get back to you, as soon as there's time.
Well I've got to go, I've got to run,
If you haven't guessed by now this tape is done.

(The rhythm is somewhat like "Rapper's Delight".)

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 7:19 pm UTC
by Dxh
I am now very tempted to have my voicemail say something like,

"Hello, you have reached, 110000100100011110011001111110010. If you feel you have reached this number in error, please hang up and try again."

Mainly because I get WAY too many voicemail messages... and I hate listening to them all.

Oh, BTW, that really is my phone number in binary, if anyone cares to translate it back. :p No cheating using online converters, either. I didn't, so you can't! (Okay, so I CHECKED it with a converter...)

And when I say its my phone number, I mean its like my number was 5,555,555,555.

Enjoy!

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 7:29 pm UTC
by Ren
My voicemail says, "Hello, you have reached *my phone number.* Please leave a tone after the message.

Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 7:49 pm UTC
by SoapyHobo
A friend of mine's goes like this:

Hello?
... (me: hi, it's tom)
Hi!
... (i start conversation)
sorry, this is my voicemail, leave a message.
<BEEP>

I fall for it every time and it's incredibly annoying.

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 12:33 pm UTC
by Melissa63l
"Hi, this is Melissa. I'm either busy or don't want to talk to you. Leave a message to find out which. *beep*"

Had to change it a few months ago while I was job-searching, but now I'm back!

:)

Melissa

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 12:39 pm UTC
by Hammer
My husband takes care of our answering machine. It says:

"It's an answering machine. You know the drill."

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 2:21 pm UTC
by German Sausage
'i'm never going to hear the message you're about to leave, so don't bother. text instead.'

what can i say? as if i'm going to pay to check my voicemail! if its important they can text me, and ill call them when i'm able.

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 2:45 pm UTC
by Dxh
You have to PAY to check your voicemail? Wow... Is that a landline or a cell? If its a cell, switch providers! I've never HEARD of paying to check voicemail.

If its a landline, just Skype away. :p

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 2:57 pm UTC
by Hawknc
All mobile networks in Australia charge at least a flagfall for checking voicemail. As much as we absolutely PWNED you guys in the move to digital (what's that, you still have analogue networks? lol), our telcos remain steadfastly in the stone age when it comes to plans. Most data plans are per MB unless you're on a 3G network (Three, for example, charges ridiculous amounts per MB for external sites but their own sites and services are available at flat rate per-month costs), which has effectively killed mobile internet because nobody can afford it. They find an excuse to charge you a fee for ANYTHING. We still have download limits on our broadband internet services! ARGH.

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 4:52 pm UTC
by EvanED
The comic strip Zits has an amusing one. "Hi, you've reached the Duncans; we're not home right now. If you need instructions on what to do, well, that's just pathetic. *beep*" (That's paraphrased)

For my junior and senior years as an undergrad, I was in room 42. As I could not pass up such an opportunity, my answering machine message was as follows:
"Hi, thank you for calling Evan *** at the Life, the Universe, and Everything hotline, located in room 42 ***. We're all out looking for the question at the moment, but leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we stop being blown up and insulted. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 4:54 pm UTC
by davef
I used to have a voice message that went something like:

'Hello?

Hellooo?

Who is this?

I hear breathin' but I don't hear talkin'... (bad Jackie Mason impersonation)

Haha, you're talking to a machine! Leave a message!'

Without exception a message from any of my friends would begin with an expletive. I had to change it when I started getting more calls for gigs, and the message would start with something like 'Umm, looking for Dave, eh, need a bassist for such-and-such a date, hope I have the right number...'

Not very professional. But lots of fun!

WRT phones - make calls. Send texts. The end. What is the obsession with all this 'mobile content' shit? It's a tiny screen and a shit camera, for heaven's sake...

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 6:50 pm UTC
by Herman
My current one is "Hi, you've reached [name]'s cell. If this is the NSA, death to America. Everyone else, leave a message at the beep.

My previous one was "Hi, you've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 7:20 pm UTC
by EvanED
davef wrote:I used to have a voice message that went something like:

'Hello?

Hellooo?

Who is this?


I have a friend who did something like that. Fooled me first time I heard it.

Herman wrote:My previous one was "Hi, you've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."


Heh, me likes.

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 8:08 pm UTC
by evildave
My messages vary, per application.

My office phone made my preference for email messages known, and then I sort of went on and on so most people never bothered to wait for the 'beep'.

Most of my phone messages are terse. "You know what the beep's for... <beep>"

I've received lots of messages for other people. It never mattered whether I identified myself or not in the message, so I just don't identify myself anymore, or to configure 'voice mail' preferences beyond a default message.

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 10:56 pm UTC
by Jauss
My shared landline message is boring and my cell phone is the electronic "You have reached ___..." message.

One of these days I'm gonna have some fun with it though.

I've always wanted to do "Speeeeaaak" in a drone a la Rent.

One of my best friends has:

"And now - voicemail haiku:

A ring. Connection.
Your voice dies on the south wind.
Alas, I'm not here.

Leave a message."

Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 12:23 am UTC
by Klye
Right now mine is "Hi, you have reached Kyle, I can't answer my phone right now, so leave a message as soon as possible, and I'll get back to you after the beep"

Previously it was "Hey, it's Kyle. I can't answer my phone right now... well, actually I could answer my phone right now because I'm recording this message. So really, I can't answer my phone later, which is now to you. So leave a message now (which is later to me), and I'll get back to ou when it's later for both of us." But that annoyed too many people.

I can't find a beep that sounds right, but i want to change to something like "It's Kyle, leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can *fake beep* <pause> *real beep>*."

Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:48 am UTC
by UmbrageOfSnow
Herman wrote:My current one is "Hi, you've reached [name]'s cell. If this is the NSA, death to America. Everyone else, leave a message at the beep.

My previous one was "Hi, you've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."


Your old message is what mine has been for a little while too. Except it says "The number you have reached is imaginary..." Which is a phrasing I liked more, I'd suggest we stole it from the same place, but I can't remember where I stole it from.

As far as suggestions in this thread, the binary one is my favorite so far.

Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:05 pm UTC
by tarkadal
For a long, long time when my brother and I were still living at home, our home phone had (approximately) the following. "Hello, we have abducted the humans you have tried to contact. Once we have finished all our experiments we will be happy to pass on a message." Okay, so the X-Files were all the rage at the time and none of us could be bothered to change it for years. Actually, I believe it was only changed because neither my brother or I were living there anymore, plus the answering machine died so they had to get a new one.
Also, for about one afternoon, my brother and I put on the Kohr-Ah greeting from Star Control 2. How did it go, something like "We are the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah, make whatever rituals are necessary for your species before you are annihilated." The only person that called and got that message was our Grandmother...
Currently I have no voicemail or answering machine at all.

Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:57 pm UTC
by aisling
SoapyHobo wrote:A friend of mine's goes like this:

Hello?
... (me: hi, it's tom)
Hi!
... (i start conversation)
sorry, this is my voicemail, leave a message.
<BEEP>

I fall for it every time and it's incredibly annoying.



One time I desperately wanted to hang out with a friend, so I called her cell and it went: Hello? (she has like a high, cute kind of anime voice. It sounded very authentic, too. The hello I mean.) ......(whoever is calling says something here) haha I'm not actually here right now. Leave a message!

And then my message was really upset sounding: Kara? I thought you were actually here! I... *sigh* I wanted to hang out. Call me back, 'k?


EDIT: Also, just to add mine, mine is stupid. It's my dad being like "This is so and so and I work here leave a message". The company he works with is kind of small, and he gets calls at home sometimes, so our answering machine has to be like that.

Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 11:42 pm UTC
by electoralfraud
Edna wrote:Stolen from Therapy? mine offers thus ......

"Leave a message or leave me alone"


Oh me yarm TEH BADNESS! I've had that at one point.

Currently my message is: "Don't leave a voicemail, I won't listen to it, I'm serious."

I never ever check my voicemail and got tired of missing messages from people. And yet people actually still leave me voicemails!?

Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 2:49 am UTC
by RealGrouchy
What it says is irrelevant (and mostly utilitarian), but when I recorded it, I had just woken up, so I had a really baritone/bass voice.

Lots of people are freaked out by it and have asked me to change it.

- RG>

Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 3:05 am UTC
by Vandole
My brother's was Patrick Stewart saying "It sounds like a telephone ringing... but where is the receiver?" (From a very odd ST:TNG episode)

Another one of his was "Please leave a message after the beep... (beep)... No, not that beep, that wasn't it."

Our family's is just "You have reached ###, we are unable to answer the phone at the moment, please leave a message after the tone"

Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 3:06 am UTC
by Fluff
I just use the generic robot voice one. I am sure the people ringing me know it's my phone, otherwise they shouldn't be ringing in the first place.

Or, if I happen to accidentally give out my number (perhaps while intoxicated), maybe they'll think it's not really my phone after awhile. :P



I have got an answerphone pet peeve as well. I hate when people's phones play music instead of ringing. It makes it really difficult to know when to start speaking, and also interferes with whatever music I've got playing. It's nearly as bad as hold-the-line music when you've got to ring your service provider.

Also [pet peeve #2], there are too many instructions on mobile phone answering systems. It's not that hard to record a message after the beep, but it is hard when you are waiting, and waiting through all of those bloody instructions for the beep.



[/rant] :P





EDITed to add:

Vandole wrote:My brother's was Patrick Stewart saying "It sounds like a telephone ringing... but where is the receiver?" (From a very odd ST:TNG episode)



Oooo, was that the one where Data is dreaming? And he opens his chest to find an old telephone there !!

Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 3:32 am UTC
by Berge
I've been thinking about making mine a recording of Data saying "Captain, we are being hailed." And then Picard saying "Identify yourself."

Yess...this will be done soon.