Overheard at the Office

Things that don't belong anywhere else. (Check first).

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charolastra
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Overheard at the Office

Postby charolastra » Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:06 pm UTC

"I really don't want to live in a wigwam, but in my head I do."

"My stepmother, not a Jew." (3 people at the same time) "Like OJ Simpson."

"WHO IS EATING A CUCUMBER?!? You bring me pain."

I work in higher ed. Everyone is a little kooky.

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Sungura
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Sungura » Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:06 pm UTC

*inspection for controlled substances*
"Wow this vial looks brand new!" (inspector)
"No...it's been used, here's the sheet." (me)
"Really? 2.4 mL is gone? I don't believe that, this looks full."
"Yes, really. I'm the one who used it, 4 rats, .6 mL each, that's 2.4 mL"
"What is a mL?"
"...just trust me, I used 2.4 mL"
"Well I don't think you used any, but okay" *initials it and records that all is well*

(I work in a research lab)
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby SecondTalon » Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:18 pm UTC

....

how the ....?
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Virtual_Aardvark » Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:31 am UTC

At a cafe I once worked at:
"No I'm smoking real tea! The gunpowder green relaxes me."

He ended up getting in trouble for "inappropriate use of product".
"imaginary gardens with real toads in them"
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby BigBoss » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:03 am UTC

"I have a RAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!" I work in a restaraunt. Luckily it was empty when the cook said that.
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby iChef » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:16 am UTC

"You can smell me after I come"
- A poorly phrased comment on the strength of a waitress' perfume

"I am allergic to salt"
-A customer with either a very poor electrolyte balance or a severe rash

"Hey Pete I need your large bang mussel for table 5"
-makes sense in context, an order for appetizers
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby poxic » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:26 am UTC

"Can I set something on fire? ... No, something will do for now. Maybe someone later on."

/me, today, after yet another blowup while trying to get a suite of products into production under a verrry tight deadline
The Supreme Ethical Rule: Act so as to elicit the best in others and thereby in thyself.
- Felix Adler, professor, lecturer, and reformer (13 Aug 1851-1933)

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Sungura
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Sungura » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:28 am UTC

SecondTalon wrote:....

how the ....?

Well, it's the federal government coming around doing the checks. Does that help it make sense? :P
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby TheGrammarBolshevik » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:52 am UTC

Virtual_Aardvark wrote:At a cafe I once worked at:
"No I'm smoking real tea! The gunpowder green relaxes me."

He ended up getting in trouble for "inappropriate use of product".

Should have known better than to get high on his own supply.
Nothing rhymes with orange,
Not even sporange.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby folkhero » Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:56 pm UTC

Sungura wrote:Well, it's the federal government coming around doing the checks. Does that help it make sense? :P

This reminds me of a conversation I overhear when I worked in a census office this summer.
Person 1: "My brother-in-law actually called the police when the enumerator came to his house because of his badge." (Census badges have no picture on them, and the enumerators have to write their own name on them)
Person 2: "Well you have to admit they don't look very professional."
Person 1: "Not at all. What says, "I'm with the federal government," more than, "I had to write my own name on my badge"?
To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt...

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby LinuxPenguin » Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:26 pm UTC

My favorite work quote ever, overheard my first night on the job:

"Slap that b*tch in the rack already, and get over here!"



(I should clarify... "That b*tch" referred to a 4U apps server, and "the rack" referred to the server rack. I work @ a bit farm.)
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby podbaydoor » Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:45 pm UTC

"They've got a moose in a bear car!"

(State government cubicle farm)
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Ortus » Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:24 am UTC

"Squeeze your buttcheeks together and thrust for the ceiling!"

- head coach (gymnastics).



Nobody wanted to laugh, but we all did; because while we staff and athletes have heard the term, "squeeze your buttcheeks" before, we've never heard it phrased in quite that way.
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby theGoldenCalf; » Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:08 pm UTC

Virtual_Aardvark wrote:At a cafe I once worked at:
"No I'm smoking real tea! The gunpowder green relaxes me."

He ended up getting in trouble for "inappropriate use of product".



...May I ask what kind of trouble someone gets into for smoking tea? 'cause I've gotten in trouble for smoking all kinds of things, tea not included.
それは彼女が言ったことだ!

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby TheGrammarBolshevik » Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:14 pm UTC

My interpretation is that he worked at the store, so he was less getting in trouble for smoking and more getting in trouble for misusing the store's product. I mean, that is what "inappropriate use of product" would mean, n'est-ce pas?
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Not even sporange.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Virtual_Aardvark » Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:18 pm UTC

Basically. It's not like anyone every really ordered the gunpowder green, but lighting product on fire is generally a bad thing.
"imaginary gardens with real toads in them"
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Kewangji » Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:11 pm UTC

"So, does anybody have any objections to that?"
"Well, I–"
"YES? None? Good!"
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Kang » Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:38 pm UTC

A good while back half the building got interrupted by somebody slamming a phone down after yelling: «They are all morons! Complete and utter morons!»

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby KeyserSoze » Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:36 pm UTC

"I learn. I watch Jeremy Kyle. It's educational. They talk about DNA tests."

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby PatrickRsGhost » Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:51 am UTC

Paralegal wrote:Back home the water's so sweet there, it's from a well.


She's from Romania. I agreed, since we used to live on a farm that had a well. Best. Water. EVAR.

Right of Way/Relocation Agent wrote:Gimme a Reese's!


I had one of my desk drawers open, exposing a couple of packs of Reese's Cups. I gave her one.

Survey Dept. employee wrote:What's the word for someone who doesn't show any feelings or emotion?


Apathetic?
PRG

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Sandry » Wed Feb 02, 2011 4:20 pm UTC

Sadly I can't really remember the context for this (I think it was over the movable "wall" that separates out our POS lab), but I noted it down for obvious reasons:
"I will try not to implicate you with my dead body... Because I'm caring like that!"
He does not spout ever more, new stupidities. He "diversifies his wrongness portfolio."
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby pseudoidiot » Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:00 pm UTC

"Alright, it's the biggest I could make it. It's not as big as everybody else's, but it's as big as I could make out back."
Derailed : Gaming Outside the Box.
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby PictureSarah » Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:05 pm UTC

"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"
"Yes I am!"
"Oh. Yeah. I guess you are. Ok then!"
"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby poxic » Thu Feb 03, 2011 2:08 am UTC

Coworker 1: So in other words, this thing is fucked up.
_______Me: Yes, fucked up is a good way to describe it.
Coworker 2: Oh, my virgin ears.
_______Me: What's a little fuck between coworkers?
Coworker 1: Okay, now *my* virgin ears...

(Disclaimer: I have been under a LOT of stress lately. >.< )
The Supreme Ethical Rule: Act so as to elicit the best in others and thereby in thyself.
- Felix Adler, professor, lecturer, and reformer (13 Aug 1851-1933)

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby OBrien » Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:46 am UTC

poxic wrote:(Disclaimer: I have been under a LOT of stress lately. >.< )

Alternatively: (Disclaimer: This sort of joke should be fine in a group of people you know well enough to feel at ease with, if not they're a load of prudes.)
Spelling and grammar can go screw themselves.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Zohar » Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:29 pm UTC

Coworker wrote:It's not the size of the type that matters, it's what's inside.
Mighty Jalapeno: "See, Zohar agrees, and he's nice to people."
SecondTalon: "Still better looking than Jesus."

Not how I say my name

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Dream » Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:32 pm UTC

Zohar wrote:
Coworker wrote:It's not the size of the type that matters, it's what's inside.

Sounds like someone just wasn't someone else's type.
I knew a woman once, but she died soon after.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby podbaydoor » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:00 pm UTC

"The American Partnership for American Hope, for Americans. In America."
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby pseudoidiot » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:04 pm UTC

Oh, yeah. The APAHAA!
Derailed : Gaming Outside the Box.
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Yakk » Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:13 pm UTC

Warning: time suck.
One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision - BR

Last edited by JHVH on Fri Oct 23, 4004 BCE 6:17 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Midnight » Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:50 pm UTC

"It was like a knife in the kidney"
"Well, I'm gay, so I don't really know how that feels."
"Yeah, I guess that's true."

To this day I can't comprehend that exchange.
uhhhh fuck.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby broken_escalator » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:02 pm UTC

I feel like I'm missing out... All I ever get are things like "Make sure you go get that big dump" in the context of dumping data.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby pseudoidiot » Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:07 pm UTC

"Sarah makes her own urine."

I have no context for that, I just happened to catch that single snippet.
Derailed : Gaming Outside the Box.
SecondTalon wrote:*swoons* I love you, all powerful pseudoidiot!
ShootTheChicken wrote:I can't stop thinking about pseudoidiot's penis.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Kewangji » Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:30 pm UTC

Midnight wrote:"It was like a knife in the kidney"
"Well, I'm gay, so I don't really know how that feels."
"Yeah, I guess that's true."

To this day I can't comprehend that exchange.

Made up context:
Girl one: And his penis shot this really owie liquid into my stomach. It was like a knife in the kidney.
Girl two: Well, I'm gay, so I don't really know how that feels.
Girl one: Yeah, I guess that's true.
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby SecondTalon » Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:34 pm UTC

I keep reversing it.

"..and I'm gay, so you know how that is."
"Not really, I was knifed in the kidney once."
"Oh, yeah.. you're right, you have no idea."
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Ulc » Thu Feb 17, 2011 11:23 am UTC

G: woman, recently graduated masters program
M: old phd student
P: new bachelor student


G - Just start experiement 19, and we can do the rest from here through a ssh
P - Card and keys?
G - Mine doesn't work for the cellar, just borrows M's, his code is XX XX
M - So much for data security here.. especially considering that it's actually a card belonging bachelor student named Simon [last name left out to protect the innocent] who's card I'm carrying around
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby poxic » Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:36 am UTC

_ Project manager: So give me some words here. "The new reports are..."
Main report tester: "Awesome".
[Project manager types "Fucking awesome" into project summary.]

Yeah, it got deleted, but it was a good moment. [boring] He was fishing for a summary of their business purpose. [/boring]
The Supreme Ethical Rule: Act so as to elicit the best in others and thereby in thyself.
- Felix Adler, professor, lecturer, and reformer (13 Aug 1851-1933)

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Sandry
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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby Sandry » Fri Feb 25, 2011 9:20 pm UTC

poxic wrote:_ Project manager: So give me some words here. "The new reports are..."
Main report tester: "Awesome".
[Project manager types "Fucking awesome" into project summary.]

Yeah, it got deleted, but it was a good moment. [boring] He was fishing for a summary of their business purpose. [/boring]

Hehehe, I wish we actually got that type of feedback during our testing. :D

Around here it's like, "The new reports are..."
"Slow."
"Missing information."
"Formatted badly."
"I hate you."

(I keep joking that this long-running project has built up so much hatred and negativity amongst our userbase that once we get it better tuned and incorporate all the bells and whistles we should tell them, "you were right the whole time - we axed that old piece of software and put in this TOTALLY NEW PROGRAM. It's called uh. Steve!")
He does not spout ever more, new stupidities. He "diversifies his wrongness portfolio."
(My pronouns are She/Her/Hers)

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby pseudoidiot » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:21 pm UTC

"That's not just one finger; that's the whole thing."
Derailed : Gaming Outside the Box.
SecondTalon wrote:*swoons* I love you, all powerful pseudoidiot!
ShootTheChicken wrote:I can't stop thinking about pseudoidiot's penis.

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Re: Overheard at the Office

Postby AngrySquirrel » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:33 pm UTC

Person1: "There's a package for you."
Person2: "Oh, it's my two thai-ladies."
Person1: "It did not know they delivered?"
Person2: "You just have to ask nicely."

-Overheard from one of the other offices here. I have no context.
Putting the fist into pacifist.

they/them/theirs


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