Movies to AVOID

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LoonRadio
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Postby LoonRadio » Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:32 pm UTC

A few I haven't seen mentioned yet:

Butterfly Effect II The sequel failed to live up to the disappointing low standard of the first movie. And that's saying something.

Striptease Please, Demi. Make it stop.

Jersey Girl This is the point where Kevin Smith realizes that not including Jay and Silent Bob is a mistake.

Turner and Hooch True story; I watched this movie on an airplane with no audio, and had the plot figured out in the first reel.

Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God Want a dragon movie even worse than Reign of Fire? Sweet. Bleeding. Christ.
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Mighty Jalapeno
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:36 pm UTC

LoonRadio wrote:Striptease Please, Demi. Make it stop.

Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God Want a dragon movie even worse than Reign of Fire? Sweet. Bleeding. Christ.

1, Striptease was freakin HILARIOUS. 2, what do you mean "worse" than Reign of Fire? It's easy to be worse than an awesome movie.

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Postby LoonRadio » Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:48 pm UTC

I amused myself during Striptease by pretending Demi's ex-husband was the T-1000.
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mosc
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Postby mosc » Tue Aug 14, 2007 6:20 pm UTC

LoonRadio wrote:Turner and Hooch True story; I watched this movie on an airplane with no audio, and had the plot figured out in the first reel.
To this I can only reply:
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Postby dudica » Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:22 am UTC

I'd have to say Hannibal Rising was the worst film I saw this year next to "let's go to prison" (don't ask). It transformed Anthony Hopkins's terrifying portrayal of a sick mind into Kill Bill 3 starring an Abercrombie model. On top of it, the previews falsely lead the viewer to believe Hannibal does his sexy samurai/ninja aunt.

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Malice
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Postby Malice » Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:33 am UTC

So far there have been 5 movies from 4 books.

Manhunter, Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Hannibal Rising.

Which means they've still got a better than .500 batting average. "They" being "the movies", since different people were responsible for different films.

For the record, I listed the good ones first.

Somebody's going to jump in soon and say, "No, sir! Red Dragon was a piece of shit!"

Then I'll remind them that Red Dragon featured an excellent performance by (the always-excellent) Edward Norton, a well-written expansion of Lector's role from the original novel, cinematography which didn't mistake obfuscation for quality (I'm looking at you, "Hannibal"!), and in general seems to have been made by people who liked Silence because it was a good movie and not (like the last two movies on my list) because "people who eat people are cool".

Hannibal is horrible for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that it didn't have the balls to follow Thomas Harris's book into the depths of the relationship between Lector and Clarice. The movie concluded, as I recall, with Hannibal showing he cares for her by cutting off his hand, instead of hers, in order to escape; and Clarice honoring the sacrifice by leading the police astray.

The novel ends rather differently, taking the extended "Beauty and the Beast" hints in Silence of the Lambs to its natural (and utterly chilling) conclusion.

Red Dragon's climactic moment--in which Norton verbally abuses his own child in order to get the killer--is sublime, painful, and right on target (better, in fact, than the book, which ended rather abruptly).

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Postby mercurythief » Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:54 am UTC

Jurassic Park 3 if it wasn't said before.

Dinosaur eats the guy with the cell phone. Later, they hear the cell phone ring, turn around, and the dinosaur is standing behind them.

Why?

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Postby mister k » Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:37 pm UTC

Ghost Rider. Thats such a bad movie it's unbelievable. I was lulled by a three star review from Empire, and discovered... oh it's so, so bad, theres really nothing to reccomend, even the bloody fights suck! Seriously, if you can't manage dialogue plot or character you'd think they could at least make some half decent fights. But noooooo.

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Postby Pip the Mighty » Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:13 pm UTC

LoonRadio wrote:Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God Want a dragon movie even worse than Reign of Fire? Sweet. Bleeding. Christ.


Sad thing is, that was significantly truer to the source material than the original Dungeons and Dragons film.

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Postby SecondTalon » Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:18 pm UTC

Well, what makes a good game does not make a good movie.

See : Dungeons and Dragons, Wing Commander, Tomb Raider, Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon, Dead or Alive, Doom, and so on.
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Postby Pip the Mighty » Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:29 pm UTC

What about Clue? I thought that was reasonably entertaining.

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Postby GMontag » Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:36 pm UTC

TigerX wrote:The Island -- Stealing from great work can only get you so far, like maybe the first 30 mins.


By "great work" are you referring to Parts: The Clonus Horror, one of the better episodes of MST3K?

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Postby TigerX » Sat Aug 18, 2007 8:02 pm UTC

GMontag wrote:
TigerX wrote:The Island -- Stealing from great work can only get you so far, like maybe the first 30 mins.


By "great work" are you referring to Parts: The Clonus Horror, one of the better episodes of MST3K?


I was personally referring to dystopia of all stripes, but such is a marvelous example and any MSTie is a friend of mine.

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Postby Malice » Sun Aug 19, 2007 5:50 am UTC

SecondTalon wrote:Well, what makes a good game does not make a good movie.

See : Dungeons and Dragons, Wing Commander, Tomb Raider, Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon, Dead or Alive, Doom, and so on.


Hm.

*omits movies made by Uwe Boll, because they're the deliberately-bad byproducts of a tax scam*

You can make great movies based off of games. (Clue is an excellent example.) You either have to pick the right games or get creative. The right games need good stories; and I'd argue that games with good stories are a relatively new phenomenon. I mean, come on. Mortal Kombat, for cryin' out loud. Super Mario Brothers. These aren't the video game equivalents of Tolstoy.

On the other hand, one could make a rather excellent movie out of Metroid, Splinter Cell, God of War, Gears of War, Dead Rising, Resident Evil, Pac-man... the list goes on and on. It's no harder to make a good video-game based movie than it is to make any other good movie.

The reason most video game movies are bad is that most people who make movies don't know anything about video games, and buy the license just to bring in the fans (who do their part by lining up outside anything that comes out, regardless of how good it is as a film), and recognize that they can sit back, make a shitty movie, and still collect on the bucks.

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Postby Meowsma » Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:32 am UTC

Welcome to the Dollhouse - Okay, I'll admit that I haven't seen this in about seven years, but I do recall thinking that it was the worst movie I've ever seen. It's all about how this girl's life sucks. Not entertaining.

Van Helsing - Godawful. Took ten minutes to make me want to leave the theater (something that had never happened to me before; I don't have high standards for movies).

Ghost Rider - To its credit, it took twice as long to make me want to leave as Van Helsing did, but it's still one of the worst put-together movies I've seen.

The Weatherman - Much like Welcome to the Dollhouse, the entire movie's about how this guy's life sucks. Such a bad premise can be redeemed by good thematics, but this one wasn't.

--Meowsma

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Aglet
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Postby Aglet » Mon Aug 20, 2007 6:32 am UTC

Mighty Jalapeno wrote:And casting Steve Buscemi [in The Island] not killing anyone.


Well, Steve Buscemi didn't kill anybody in The Big Lebowski, but he was still good in that movie.
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Aug 20, 2007 3:56 pm UTC

Aglet wrote:
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:And casting Steve Buscemi [in The Island] not killing anyone.


Well, Steve Buscemi didn't kill anybody in The Big Lebowski, but he was still good in that movie.

Well, there's always an exception, I guess.... :)

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Malice
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Postby Malice » Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:33 pm UTC

Meowsma wrote:The Weatherman - Much like Welcome to the Dollhouse, the entire movie's about how this guy's life sucks. Such a bad premise can be redeemed by good thematics, but this one wasn't.


You're... about as wrong as it is possible to be.

First of all, any movie sounds stupid when you say it like that. "American Beauty is just about how much of a loser this guy is." "2001 is just about this dumb computer." "The whole movie of the Godfather is just about this old guy who can't talk." "What kind of a play is this? The whole thing is about how much this Hamlet guy's life sucks!"

Second of all, there are no stories without conflict. Weatherman is about a guy confronted on all sides by conflict which he struggles to resolve. There's nothing wrong with that.

Third of all, The Weatherman is everything a movie should be. Brilliant, beautiful, original... It has some of the most powerful emotional moments I've ever seen in a movie. It is, in my opinion, almost perfect.

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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:36 pm UTC

Definitely. To Meowsma, primer sucks because it's just about how some stupid nerds can't handle time travel.

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Postby Rasputin » Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:18 pm UTC

Malice wrote:
Meowsma wrote:The Weatherman - Much like Welcome to the Dollhouse, the entire movie's about how this guy's life sucks. Such a bad premise can be redeemed by good thematics, but this one wasn't.


You're... about as wrong as it is possible to be.

First of all, any movie sounds stupid when you say it like that. "American Beauty is just about how much of a loser this guy is." "2001 is just about this dumb computer." "The whole movie of the Godfather is just about this old guy who can't talk." "What kind of a play is this? The whole thing is about how much this Hamlet guy's life sucks!"

Second of all, there are no stories without conflict. Weatherman is about a guy confronted on all sides by conflict which he struggles to resolve. There's nothing wrong with that.

Third of all, The Weatherman is everything a movie should be. Brilliant, beautiful, original... It has some of the most powerful emotional moments I've ever seen in a movie. It is, in my opinion, almost perfect.


Granted, I like the movie, but there were stretches of the movie that were boring as hell. However, it's still a good movie because of the story and emotional content.

...That, and I'm obsessed with anything to do with weather.
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Postby djn » Mon Aug 20, 2007 11:02 pm UTC

I'm not sure if my Bad Movie Meter is tuned correctly. I thought Van Helsing was really, brazenly, bad, but had absolutely no problem with seeing all of it. It's silly, it's stupid, and it goes well with popcorn.

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Postby Malice » Tue Aug 21, 2007 12:40 am UTC

Van Helsing was bad, but it wasn't painful. If a movie is interesting (and whatever its faults, VH is interesting), and not, you know, totally reprehensible, then it's possible to watch without wanting to rip your eyes out.

Plus, from what I remember, VH wasn't taking itself very seriously. As a big Dracula fan, I was much more angered at the Badham Dracula (1979) which was trying to be serious and faithful (and failed miserably at both) than I was at VH, which through serious and faithful out the window long before Dracula's eggs (!) hatched.

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Postby Severus Severance » Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:28 am UTC

I remember loving VH when I saw the first half of it. Did it get utterly ridiculous after the bit with the party and the sun bomb? That was pretty funny, and pretty ridiculous.

Bad, yes -- in a funny way. A really funny way. With monks.

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Postby LoonRadio » Tue Aug 21, 2007 3:59 pm UTC

I liked the original Darkman with Liam Neeson, but all the sequels can be fed to the sligs. I think the same can be said for The Neverending Story II.

Here's a clue. If your Story is Neverending, it CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE A SEQUEL![/b]
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Malsies
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Postby Malsies » Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:48 pm UTC

Idiocracy. Why, Luke Wilson, why?!
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Mighty Jalapeno
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:49 pm UTC

Because that movie was awesome?

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Postby Malsies » Tue Aug 21, 2007 5:03 pm UTC

Mighty Jalapeno wrote:Because that movie was awesome?


Perhaps...if awesome means 1.5 hours of my life wasted. I could have been painting or writing or having stimulating conversation. Instead I watched Luke Wilson become the smartest man alive!

Methinks I should sue for damages.
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Mighty Jalapeno
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Tue Aug 21, 2007 5:05 pm UTC

It may not have been brilliant, but it was funny and entertaining. I mean, it's not like it was freaking Blair Witch or anything...

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Postby LoonRadio » Tue Aug 21, 2007 6:34 pm UTC

Ooh... pretty much anything with Kyle MacLachlan in it: The Flintstones, Don't Tell Her It's Me, The Hidden, Showgirls, Timecode... I swear to Bacchus he's been in a ton o' bad movies.
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Postby Torvaun » Wed Aug 22, 2007 2:42 am UTC

Timeline. Only applies if you've read the book.
The Lost World. Definitely applies if you've read the book, still not irrelevant if you haven't.
The Incredible Hulk. The first movie I've ever wanted to walk out on.

I haven't seen Eragon myself, but I hear it's brain-numbingly bad.
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Postby Xaith » Wed Aug 22, 2007 2:45 am UTC

The Last Mimsy.

Honestly, I watched it on a plane flight, and the entire cabin was laughing at how absolutely horrible it was.

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Postby djn » Wed Aug 22, 2007 3:55 am UTC

Torvaun wrote:The Incredible Hulk. The first movie I've ever wanted to walk out on.


The movie that's coming next year?

The 2003 one (with the tank juggling) was just called "Hulk", apparently.
I found that one livable as well. Some parts were silly (e.g. the dogs), the plot was at times lacking and never too smart, things kept happening, and it looked good. Again, "goes well with popcorn" . ;)
I'm not going to bother seeing it again anytime soon, of course.

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Malice
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Postby Malice » Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:58 am UTC

The one good thing that I remember Hulk doing was incorporating comic-book-style panel divisions within the frame. I don't think I've ever seen that before or since in a comic-book movie. It's something that, I think, needs to be revisited.

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Aglet
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Postby Aglet » Fri Aug 24, 2007 2:27 am UTC

One movie to avoid: The Brothers Grimm. I was like, "Oh, Terry Gilliam, that means it's good, right?" Nope. It was awful.
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Mighty Jalapeno
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:36 am UTC

Aglet wrote:One movie to avoid: The Brothers Grimm. I was like, "Oh, Terry Gilliam, that means it's good, right?" Nope. It was awful.

I think you've got the wrong movie there. It's not Gilliam's best movie, but it's head and shoulders above the rest of the crap that passes for fantasy.

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Postby LoonRadio » Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:25 pm UTC

MJ, you're way to into these movies. How about Silent Running?
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Mighty Jalapeno
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Postby Mighty Jalapeno » Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:30 pm UTC

Cheezy, a little annoying, but surprisingly tasty (sort of like Pizza Hut).

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Postby LoonRadio » Fri Aug 24, 2007 9:34 pm UTC

No, I mean running away silently. Right now.
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Postby mosc » Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:41 pm UTC

there should be more Postman in this thread. Seriously, watch that movie to see everything that is wrong with Hollywood.
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Postby arachnophilia » Mon Aug 27, 2007 7:32 pm UTC

Meowsma wrote:Van Helsing - Godawful. Took ten minutes to make me want to leave the theater (something that had never happened to me before; I don't have high standards for movies).


yes, but kate beckinsale with a russian accent is quite a turn-on. (yes, i know her character is romanian. her accent, however, is not.)


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