Twilight?

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Chai Kovsky
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Chai Kovsky » Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:11 pm UTC

Fess: Every time someone posts in this thread, I get a little excited and hope it's Kendo_Bunny's next dissection.
Spoiler:
kellsbells wrote:¡This Chai is burning me!
Chai Kovsky wrote:I can kill you with my brain.

That is all.
superglucose wrote:In other words: LISTEN TO CHAI.
Delayra wrote:Yet another brilliant idea from Chai!

I <3 Pirate.Bondage!

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Alder
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Alder » Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:05 pm UTC

Chai Kovsky wrote:Fess: Every time someone posts in this thread, I get a little excited and hope it's Kendo_Bunny's next dissection.

You're not alone...! Me too.

(So, sorry for disappointing you with this post.)
Plasma Man wrote:I might have to get rid of some of my breadbins.

Kulantan wrote:I feel a great disturbance in the Fora, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then kinda trailed off to a grumble.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Spacemilk » Thu Dec 31, 2009 3:42 pm UTC

I shall third the checking for Kendo's giggle-worthy updates. They are deliciously vicious and hilarious.
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Alder » Thu Dec 31, 2009 7:59 pm UTC

Spacemilk wrote:I shall third the checking for Kendo's giggle-worthy updates. They are deliciously vicious and hilarious.

Heh, we could form a teeny-tiny fan club...
Plasma Man wrote:I might have to get rid of some of my breadbins.

Kulantan wrote:I feel a great disturbance in the Fora, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then kinda trailed off to a grumble.

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Chai Kovsky
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Chai Kovsky » Thu Dec 31, 2009 8:48 pm UTC

Alder wrote:
Spacemilk wrote:I shall third the checking for Kendo's giggle-worthy updates. They are deliciously vicious and hilarious.

Heh, we could form a teeny-tiny fan club...
I think this is all an implicit plea for another update. Kendooooooooo!
Spoiler:
kellsbells wrote:¡This Chai is burning me!
Chai Kovsky wrote:I can kill you with my brain.

That is all.
superglucose wrote:In other words: LISTEN TO CHAI.
Delayra wrote:Yet another brilliant idea from Chai!

I <3 Pirate.Bondage!

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Kendo_Bunny
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:26 pm UTC

Hey guys. Sorry, Christmas holidays were a bit of a crunch time for me. Anyway, I'm working on the next chapter and can probably get it up later tonight.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby GraphiteGirl » Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:18 am UTC

Eee! *is excited for this*
Sandry wrote:Man, my commitment to sparkle motion is waaaaay lower than you are intimating.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:08 am UTC

Okay... it'll be up tomorrow. It's the 'meadow scene' chapter, and it makes me feel dirty.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby GraphiteGirl » Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:16 am UTC

No rush, of course; we know Real Life comes first.
Sandry wrote:Man, my commitment to sparkle motion is waaaaay lower than you are intimating.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:58 pm UTC

Chapter 13: Which is More Pornographic Than Pornography

“I couldn’t get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon.” I’m beginning to think that the PDF modified all these gets…

“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.” And here it is people. Perhaps the most infamous passage in the book. Well, it’s not going to dissect itself:

First: Regular diamonds do not sparkle. They have a sheen, but they sparkle because they are faceted when they are cut. This is why his smooth skin sparkling does not make sense. He skin should at least feel like shark skin – smooth one way, rough another.

Second: Hello, Mr. Webster. So nice to see you again, my dear old friend.
in⋅can⋅des⋅cent [in-kuhn-des-uhnt] – adjective
1. (of light) produced by incandescence.
2. glowing or white with heat.
3. intensely bright; brilliant.
4. brilliant; masterly; extraordinarily lucid: an incandescent masterpiece; incandescent wit.
5. aglow with ardor, purpose, etc.: the incandescent vitality of youth.

scin⋅til⋅lat⋅ing [sin-tl-ey-ting] –adjective
1. animated; vivacious; effervescent: a scintillating personality.
2. witty; brilliantly clever: a scintillating conversationalist; a play full of scintillating dialogue.

Third: Lavender is always pale. That’s why it’s lavender and not some other shade of purple. Though how this paragraph could get more purple is beyond me. Also… why is he lying down in the sun, his shirt open and his eyes closed? It sounds like he’s there to shoot a perfume commercial, or he’s just laying it on really, really thick. She also never establishes him lying down. He gets into the meadow and the next thing you know, he’s posing for ‘Chagrin, the new fragrance by Stephenie Meyer’.

Fourth: Is this girl really sexually attracted to statues?


“I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my taste.” God, this girl would argue with the breeze. Which… yeah. She’s doing. Nothing is ever good enough for her.

“I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him.” She’s so hard up that she can’t bear to do what she really wants, because then she wouldn’t be staring at him. How’s that for a healthy relationship dynamic?

“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.” You have it here, folks. Edward Cullen is Jesus.
“hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone.” And he sounds like a description for a sex toy, rather than a person. She’s certainly not thinking about his mind here.

“His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice.” Even now he’s laughing at her. She’s just so sexually fascinated that she doesn’t realize it.

“"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed.” … And this book promotes chastity. Right.

“"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."” Again, he’s just obsessed with being inside everybody’s head. He’s a busybody. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking’ is romantic, until he adds that little addendum that it drives him crazy to not just know, especially since he sneers at every other person because of their thoughts.

“"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn't truthfully say, that I didn't need to be afraid, that there was nothing to fear.” She says she’s afraid of him… but… this is just getting weirdly inconsistent. She’s not afraid of him but she is afraid of him but she’s not. What?

“"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.” Second time she’s used “intently” in two pages. Also, you’ve already told her you could kill and eat her and she’s made sure no one will ever know. So I would guess that would be what she was afraid of.

“Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else.” … she’s talking about his breath. That’s just gross, especially since he’s got dead animal on his breath.

“"I'm… sorry… Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.” She practically in tears because he ran away when she began sniffing his breath. While granted, that is really weird, that seems like an overreaction.

“Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could smell that from where he sat.” So he’s an adrenaline sucking vampire?

“Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second.” You know, the physics of that boggle the mind.

“"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.” His voice has been described as mocking and bitter throughout this scene where he is deliberately intimidating her. The gentleness seems straight out of the Abusive Boyfriend’s Handbook, to quote RiffTrax.

“I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been.” Meta-Bella is being rather sensible, since he’s just shattered a tree branch and threatened to kill her.

“He'd never been less human… or more beautiful.” This is where SMeyer excuses herself by saying that she’s anti-human. In reality, it’s deeply disturbing that Edward’s humanity makes him less attractive.

“His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement.” What?

“"Don't be afraid," he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive.” I’m sure it’s totally intentional. He’s already told you that his looks are perfect for drawing her in and making her easier to eat. The only problem is, that’s a lie, because other people find him creepy and off-putting. That’s a pretty lousy predator.

“He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.” The sinuous part would work much better as an adjective than an adverb.

Wrong: He sat sinuously.
Right: He sat down with sinuous grace / He sat in a sinuous motion.

“"Please forgive me," he said formally.” That’s not formal.

“"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked in the gentle cadences of an earlier century.” Wait, what? This makes no sense. At all. I talk like that myself, but no one calls my speech old fashioned. Also, the earlier century is the last one. He was born in 1901 and the book was written in 2003. Not that huge a difference, speech-wise.

“I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth, iridescent palm.”

ir⋅i⋅des⋅cent [ir-i-des-uhnt] –adjective
1. displaying a play of lustrous colors like those of the rainbow.

That makes no sense. Also, she’s used ‘smooth’ to describe his skin three times in this chapter alone.

“"How easily frustrated I am," he sighed.” This comes out of left field entirely. She’s playing with his hand and he just says this. He also doesn’t really elaborate on what he means… so this is just random “old” talk.

“"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed.” That’s because his mood swings are abnormal. They show him to be a deeply disturbed person at the very least. Also, so you know, he’s angry at her that she’s happy that he’s too selfish to leave her alone. Time for more death threats…

This whole scene… rather, this whole chapter is appalling. I’m not getting very far with randomly cutting and pasting lines, because they’re all equally bad, wrong, and creepy. It’s stalker-badong. Seriously, I finished reading Lady Chatterly’s Lover a few days ago, and it wasn’t this dirty. I wrote a paper on libertine pornographic novels from the Restoration, with an emphasis on [i[Fanny Hill[/i], and it wasn’t this dirty. The only thing I can safely say I’ve read that is more pornographic than this chapter is 120 Days of Sodom. Perhaps it’s because this is pretending to be pure and innocent, because they’re just holding hands, but this isn’t sexual tension. It’s sexual degradation. Comparing this to honest pornography or honestly sexually explicit novels is like comparing a sexually aggressive woman with a cocktease. That’s what this whole chapter is: a massive cocktease. Every syllable, every look, every touch is about sex – violent, degrading, porno sex. It’s practically rape on the page. But it’s pretending that it’s about sunshine and rainbows and cupcakes with Care Bears on them. I’m going to need a long shower after I finish this.

“"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"” Again, he tells her that the only reason he wants to stay around her is because she smells like nom. NOM NOM NOM. Also, way to get to your target audience of tweens.

“"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.” That… heroin isn’t really brand named, is it?

“He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."” So… not drinking human blood makes you break down the subtle differences and crave it more. Sounds like a really bad thing, actually. It also doesn’t make any sense.

“"What are you asking? My permission?" My voice was sharper than I'd intended. I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty must cost him. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!” So at first she’s mad that he’s basically just told her it would be like an AA member taking a small drink or a dieter eating a piece of pie for him to eat her. A minor slip-up. And yet, she can’t stay rightfully angry that he would consider murdering her and drinking her blood a minor slip-up. Anyone got a clue-by-four to whap this girl in the head with?

“Who were you, an insignificant little girl" — he grinned suddenly — "to chase me from the place I wanted to be?” This is during his whole rant about how manfully he resisted murdering her. It’s dripping with misogyny and it’s disgusting.

“"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." He frowned at the memory.” Oh you poor baby.

“But you were too interesting” Now there’s a blatant lie.

“Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.” That’s not compassion, that’s psychosis.

“"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.” Because women are weak and silly little creatures, and they only see as far as their golden child.

“"I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.” Yes, she is. And so are you.

“Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness …” This directly contradicts what he said about being the perfect predator. If only shallow idiots like Bella are taken in by the beauty, there’s no point to it.

“I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn't make myself be afraid. I couldn't think of anything, except that he was touching me.” Because sexual satisfaction is more important than being alive.

“No one could be still like Edward. He closed his eyes and became as immobile as stone, a carving under my hand.” No, a corpse under your hand. Necrophilia! You know, for kids!

“"There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"” Because they’re talking about sex, but they really can’t be open about it, because they don’t know each other at all.

“He held my hands between his. They felt so feeble in his iron strength.” And she gets off on that. I admit, I like a manly man, but I don’t like feeling powerless.

“I placed my cheek against his stone chest. I could hear his breath, and nothing else.” Why does he breathe? He’s dead.

“His mouth twitched up into that crooked smile so beautiful my heart nearly stopped.” This would just be purple prose, but SMeyer really believes that sexiness can make the heart stop. Which is why so many people died watching Marlon Brando take off his shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire.

“"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."” Aw, his first pet name for her!

“He smiled as he read my hesitation, and reached for me. My heart reacted; even though he couldn't hear my thoughts, my pulse always gave me away. He then proceeded to sling me onto his back, with very little effort on my part, besides, when in place, clamping my legs and arms so tightly around him that it would choke a normal person.” She doesn’t do what he wants instantly, so he does it for her. Nice.

“There was no resisting the iron strength of his hands. Then he pulled me around to face him, cradling me in his arms like a small child. He held me for a moment, then carefully placed me on the springy ferns.” Standard ‘That’s disgusting’ response.

“"Silly Bella," he chuckled. "Running is second nature tome, it's not something I have to think about."” Typo, page 132.

“Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received.” She explains he’s hesitating to test himself, but it seems like another power play.

“And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
What neither of us was prepared for was my response.
Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.” I told you it was pornographic. Does anyone else feel nauseated reading that?
“His eyes were wild, his jaw clenched in acute restraint, yet he didn't lapse from his perfect articulation.” Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas! And yet, no dictionary…

“His hands refused to let me move so much as an inch.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." His voice was polite, controlled.” Ick ick ick….

“And I felt all the more besotted by him. It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.” Again, that’s not love. That’s a mental illness.

“"Nope. Not a chance."
He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
I started to step around him, heading for the driver's side. He might have let me pass if I hadn't wobbled slightly. Then again, he might not have. His arm created an inescapable snare around my waist.” She already told him that SHE is driving. Like he promised. First he gets shocked that she defies him, then he physically prevents her from going against his orders.

“There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything. I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly. "Take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible," he approved.” No, not sensible. This is sick and twisted and disgusting and gross and badwrong. This whole chapter has made me feel unclean. I’m going to go bathe.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby GhostWolfe » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:33 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny wrote:scin⋅til⋅lat⋅ing [sin-tl-ey-ting] –adjective
1. animated; vivacious; effervescent: a scintillating personality.
2. witty; brilliantly clever: a scintillating conversationalist; a play full of scintillating dialogue.

scin⋅til⋅late  [sin-tl-eyt] verb, -lat⋅ed, -lat⋅ing.
–verb
1. to emit sparks.
2. to sparkle; flash: a mind that scintillates with brilliance.
3. to twinkle, as the stars.

---

It took me so long to get through that chapter. Every paragraph or so I had to put the book down or I was going to facepalm so hard my skull caved in.

/angell
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Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
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Re: Twilight?

Postby kapojinha » Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:09 pm UTC

GhostWolfe wrote:It took me so long to get through that chapter. Every paragraph or so I had to put the book down or I was going to facepalm so hard my skull caved in.

I found "David's Guide to Reading Twilight" to be pretty helpful. :P
"My desire for knowledge is intermittent, but my desire to bathe my head in atmospheres unknown to my feet is perennial and constant."

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Re: Twilight?

Postby podbaydoor » Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:53 pm UTC

Charlotte Brontë had it right, not Stephanie Meyer - kissing a cold marble statue is not sexy. I don't know where this obsession with granite is coming from.
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Spacemilk » Thu Jan 07, 2010 4:30 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny wrote:and the next thing you know, he’s posing for ‘Chagrin, the new fragrance by Stephenie Meyer’.

I think I love you. This was my favorite, but really the whole thing was so scintillating (haha! :P ) that I laughed and cried my way through. BRB, I need to grab my marble Kleenexes to dry my eyes.
milk from space is good for you!



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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:10 am UTC

Spacemilk wrote:
Kendo_Bunny wrote:and the next thing you know, he’s posing for ‘Chagrin, the new fragrance by Stephenie Meyer’.

I think I love you. This was my favorite, but really the whole thing was so scintillating (haha! :P ) that I laughed and cried my way through. BRB, I need to grab my marble Kleenexes to dry my eyes.


My friend liked that line enough to make me an avatar :D

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Re: Twilight?

Postby GhostWolfe » Fri Jan 08, 2010 9:17 am UTC

That is an incredible avatar :D

/angell
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Hawknc: ANGELL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS :-[
lesliesage: Animals dunked in crude oil: sad. Animals dunked in boiling oil: tasty.
Belial: I was in your mom's room all night committing to a series of extended military actions.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby podbaydoor » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:17 pm UTC

Holy god, that avatar is amazing. Can I steal it (with credit, of course) or is it a proprietary avatar?
tenet |ˈtenit|
noun
a principle or belief, esp. one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy : the tenets of classical liberalism.
tenant |ˈtenənt|
noun
a person who occupies land or property rented from a landlord.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby missbittens » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:42 pm UTC

Joining in on the love for the Chagrin perfume line, Kendo_Bunny.

she’s talking about his breath. That’s just gross, especially since he’s got dead animal on his breath.

No kidding - why would his breath smell nice if he lives on a diet of large, fuzzy, uncooked forest creatures? It should smell foul. This also applies to Bella and her freesia scent. Usually, when a guy compliments his romantic partner that she smells of something nice, it's easily explained as being her perfume or shampoo or something. But if it were only that, why would it be so attractive to the vampires? With their highly developed sense of smell, they should be able to tell if it's an imitation scent from some product Bella uses, and if they thought that, they wouldn't be so desperate for a taste. So no, it's supposed to be Bella herself that smells like freesia. Which makes no goddamn sense - why would Bella smell of anything but BO and meat?
Last edited by missbittens on Sun Jan 10, 2010 8:28 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:52 pm UTC

podbaydoor wrote:Holy god, that avatar is amazing. Can I steal it (with credit, of course) or is it a proprietary avatar?


Help yourself ^_^

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Chai Kovsky » Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:13 pm UTC

Avatar love. That is all.
Spoiler:
kellsbells wrote:¡This Chai is burning me!
Chai Kovsky wrote:I can kill you with my brain.

That is all.
superglucose wrote:In other words: LISTEN TO CHAI.
Delayra wrote:Yet another brilliant idea from Chai!

I <3 Pirate.Bondage!

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Izawwlgood » Mon Jan 11, 2010 3:34 pm UTC

... with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Bisyss » Mon Jan 11, 2010 7:54 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny wrote:His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep.
Wait, lavender? Is he wearing eye shadow or something?
While we're talking about Edward Von Sparklepants, this blog post compares his behaviour with a list made by the National Domestic Violence hotline:
Spoiler:
Now I'm pissed. According to the NDVH, "If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship." This list is fifteen.
william wrote:Hamlet's problem is that Scar caused the stampede that killed his father.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby aleflamedyud » Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:38 pm UTC

Izawwlgood wrote:http://www.theonion.com/content/news/woman_married_to_fat_emotionally

God bless The Onion.

Additional insight into the book: the real reason Edward can't read Bella's mind is because her entire function in all of her existence is to serve as the audience avatar. She doesn't have hidden depths, and it's not a special power of her mind. She just doesn't have any depth at all, and therefore attempting to look into her mind yields the same result as trying to look 6 feet into a 3-feet-deep swimming pool.
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kewangji » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:37 pm UTC

So, Kinda related. The protagonist in The Host is called Melanie Stryder. Stephenie Meyer, Melanie Stryder. Also say it loud. Is she trying to be clever, or was it unintentional?
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Re: Twilight?

Postby DeltaOne » Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:49 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny wrote:I don't care at all about fitting in... I'm really concerned with the messages these books are sending. The relationship sounds like it's really in the red zone for abuse- at the very least, it's extremely unhealthy.


This is true. I've lost the link, but I read an article on how their relationship meets all 15 parameters for an abusive one. (For those of you unfamiliar with these, only one needs to be met for the relationship to be considered 'possibly abusive')
I would also like to ask if anyone has read 19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult. The relationship between Josie Cormier and Matt Royston is not dressed up as perfect and it is quite similar to Bella and Edward's in Twilight.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby PlayingMonkey » Wed Feb 03, 2010 5:36 am UTC

I bet there's a word document of twilight somewhere. I would like to see which adjectives and nouns are most used in the book. Someone feel like writing an algorithm?
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:18 am UTC

Well, I've got the PDF files, but I don't know how to write an algorithm. I randomly searched and counted various words, but I can't remember where I left that info :oops:

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Re: Twilight?

Postby rat4000 » Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:46 pm UTC


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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Thu Feb 04, 2010 5:52 pm UTC

I'll update by Sunday. Supposed to be snowed in, and I'll need something to take my mind off it.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Brother Maynard » Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:20 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny wrote:“No one could be still like Edward. He closed his eyes and became as immobile as stone, a carving under my hand.” No, a corpse under your hand. Necrophilia! You know, for kids!


That one sentence at the end has disturbed me far more than anything else, but for a very long reason.

Reason: I've been watching a ton of old Scrubs episodes as of late, and that last line reminded me of an episode where the Janitor has been inventing things. In this case, the Knifewrench. There's a scene where he proclaims in a celebratory voice "Kniiiifewrench!" and adds in a smaller voice "For kids!". Now suddenly this whole book reads to me like weird Janitor/JD slashfic, with the attraction between a nearly comedic sociopath and an emotionally needy partner.

Now the books are even more ruined for me.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby PlayingMonkey » Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:57 pm UTC

Kendo_Bunny? Where is your amazing rendition of the next chapter? I miss you!!!!

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Sun Mar 14, 2010 4:06 am UTC

Chapter 14: Elektra Complexes and Bad Driving and General Squick

“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane. He drove one-handed, holding my hand on the seat. Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.” This makes no sense. He can read people’s minds, which is how he can drive so fast and never get caught, but what? Is he reading the car’s mind? I would be more scared to have him never looking at the road than I would to have him driving fast. Also… she’s got an old enough truck that it should be manual. He should be using his other hand at least part of the time.


“He had turned the radio to an oldies station, and he sang along with a song I'd never heard. He knew every line.” Is that supposed to be impressive? I know every line to a ton of old music, because I listen to it. Granted, I couldn’t sing you anything that’s on the radio now, but if you need the lyrics to the Andrews Sisters biggest hits, I’m your gal.


“"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."” Just a little bit on the music SMeyer doesn’t like, because obviously perfect Edward wouldn’t like it either. I’m also surprised he would dismiss two decades of very innovative music, as if it all sounded the same. Although I see Edward being a huge fan of glam rock. I’ll bet he had the enormous hair and gobs of eyeliner and the skintight Lycra over his scrawny frame. And he stomped around in his big boots looking all sullen and rebellious.


“"I wonder if it will upset you," he reflected to himself.” She just asked his age. Since she’s not upset by the fact that he is a legendary demon creature who murders humans for food, why would she be upset that he’s old? If he looked old, then she’d be totally creeped out, but that’s because old = ugly.


“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.” HOLY SHIT GET YOUR EYES BACK ON THE ROAD


“He looked into the sun — the light of the setting orb glittered off his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles — and spoke.” Puuuuuurrrrrrpppppplllllleeeee. Also, why in the blue blazes is HE NOT EVEN GLANCING AT THE ROAD!?


“"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."” See, that could be a lead-in to a fantastic creepfest of a story. An old vampire with a few wires crossed finds a pretty young orphan boy who is dying and kills him to turn him into his perfect companion. He then re-animates a suicide to play mommy to his golden boy and finds a pretty young dying rape victim and makes her to be the perfect bride for his favorite companion. Carlisle makes my skin crawl.


“"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." He paused. "For me, it was merely very, very painful."” What’s humane and compassionate about that? He puts a dying kid who has just lost both his parents through unspeakable agony and gives him an everlasting thirst for human blood because he happens to be lonely.


“I suppressed my curiosity, though it was far from idle.” That’s a terrible sentence.
“No doubt his quick mind had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.” Wait, what? What does that even mean? Does it mean that he’s quick enough to have realized the very big holes in his story or that he’s so much smarter than she is that he’s realized exactly where she is confused, even if she can’t?


“"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice."” They do have another choice. To die. SMeyer is obviously terrified of death and dying, so she sees only a physical immortal life as being worth striving for. She sees being stuck on this planet forever as a mercy, not a curse. It’s kind of weird to think that a woman who has been promised godhood on her own planet is so afraid of not being on Earth.


“The respect in his voice was profound whenever he spoke of his father figure.” Nothing wrong with respecting your “father”, but I just wanted to point out that he treats Esme with a sort of affectionate condescension, definitely not with respect.


“She was hunting — we were in Appalachia at the time — and found a bear about to finish him off.” I live on the edge of Appalachia. Yes, we do have bears, but bear attacks are extremely rare in this region. Our black bears tend to be smaller and much shyer, so why is he getting mauled by a bear?


“She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." He threw a pointed glance in my direction, and raised our hands, still folded together, to brush my cheek with the back of his hand.
"But she made it," I encouraged, looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Rosalie’s struggles remind me how hot Edward is. How horrible for him to have to think of unpleasant things!


“They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.” Actually, I think most people would refer to being bothered by eating humans as having a conscience.


“She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective.” The big point – all the males have reliable powers, while the woman’s is shiftless and unreliable.


“I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair.” *eyeroll* Because one’s looks totally determine what they will and won’t do. And again, your father isn’t good enough because EDWARD IS HOT AND RICH!


“no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.” *snerk*


“"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him.” Ladies, this is a perfect time to start screaming.


“"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.” Bella is insane. Abso-flipping-lutely insane. He openly admitted to breaking into your house and spying on you, and you think that’s flattering? Thank God you don’t have a pet rabbit.


“He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"” Oh, how about anything other than breaking and entering and stalking? Doesn’t he have scrapbooks to make of her used tissues and chairs she’s sat on to lick?


“I let it go for the moment and went down the hall to the kitchen.” Okay, since I’ve actually been stalked, this is not how a sane woman reacts, even if she liked the guy before she found out he was a crazy stalker.


“He was there before me, needing no guide.” That’s actually pretty rude. When you go to a person’s house, you don’t barge into rooms ahead of them, even if you know where they are. Edward obviously flunked Miss Bluebird.


“I concentrated on getting my dinner, taking last night's lasagna from the fridge, placing a square on a plate, heating it in the microwave. It revolved, filling the kitchen with the smell of tomatoes and oregano.” And filling the novel with tedium and irrelevance.


“I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"” There is no correct answer for that. None. Why? Because he’s probably stealing your sweat socks to masturbate into and pretend he’s making sweet love to your feet. Hell, that would be the most positive thing that he could be doing.


“"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."” See, the thing is, sleep-talking rarely makes sense. I know several sleep talkers, and they may say full sentences, but those sentences make no sense. Bella is more likely to shout out ‘Giraffes are eating my popcorn! I’m going to shoot them!’ than she is to say his name.


“"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it.
I hadn't thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.” Um… what kind of things does she say in her sleep? Conversations with a sleep talker are like talking to a Dadaist. When I’ve revealed to friendsandrelations that they talk in their sleep, they usually respond with laughter when I tell them all the crazy things they’ve said.

“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.” No it didn’t.


“"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.
He waited.
"On?" he urged.
"What you heard!" I wailed.” So… now wouldn’t be a good time to tell you I read your diary and your e-mails and listen in on your phone conversations… Seriously, she is perfectly fine with Edward raping her friend’s minds, but this one suggestion that her privacy isn’t sacrosanct sends her into a tailspin. What a bitch.


“"You miss your mother," he whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" He laughed softly, hoping, I could see, not to offend me further.” SMeyer has obviously never met a single person who actually talks in their sleep. This is Hollywood sleep talking – it’s only present as relevant to the plot.


“"Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."” I would sure as hell be self-conscious if I found out a guy I barely know has been coming into my room at night. I’d be sure he was going through my stuff… which we find out Edward has been doing. After all, he doesn’t need to respect puny humans, because they’re food.


“"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure…" I tried to think it through quickly.” Why shouldn’t he? Charlie thinks Edward is salt of the earth. He may be a bit gruff about the new boyfriend thing, but I think the only way he would be mad would be if Edward had mounted her on the kitchen table.


“"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.” …. Bleh….


“"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be?” You disrespectful little puke. Your car is outside, but your father encourages you to have friends. Maybe he hoped that you had gone out with one of them and had just left the lights on. He was just checking to see if you were home.


“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for support.” Everything Edward touches becomes his.


“I took my food with me, scarfing it down as I got his dinner. It burned my tongue. I filled two glasses with milk while his lasagna was heating, and gulped mine to put out the fire.” Why in God’s name would you do that? It makes no sense. Why would you drag around a hot plate of scalding hot lasagna and bolt it down while microwaving another piece.


“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.” Now I really want to punch Bella across a room. What’s comical about her father being in his own house? Well, she does have this weird Daddy fetish with Edward, but even so. I obviously find my boyfriend more attractive than I find my dad, but to describe my father as “comical” compared to him would be unconscionable. Then again, I don’t hate my father.


“The words were rushed; I was dying to escape to my room.” There is no excuse for her treatment of her father. He has done nothing but be kind to her… which is probably why she hates him.


Typo page 139: "Ina hurry ?"”


“Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?” Because tonight you’re displaying more emotional range than a teaspoon?


“I quickly scrubbed my dishes clean in the sink, and placed them upside down on a dish towel to dry.” I’m surprised we didn’t get a sentence like “I lifted my loaded fork to my mouth. I put the lasagna in my mouth and chewed it slowly. I wondered what Edward’s penis would taste like as I chewed. Like rare gemstones and Chanel no. 5, I decided. That would be delicious, while the lasagna was kind of bland. Microwaving did that. Edward would sparkle like diamonds in a microwave.”


“"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.” Oh no, he’s trying to be a good father again! Someone stop him!


Typo page 139: "He's Justa friend, Dad."


“"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." Every father's dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.” Or maybe it’s that he thinks maybe no one has asked you out and he’s trying to be nice. He’s also offering some very sound advice, considering he married his high school sweetheart and ended up getting crushed.


“No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out.” Why? Why do you have this idea that he’s some sort of Draconian monster father who will shoot any boy right in the face? My father is a Colonel and a former linebacker, as well as being adamant about abstinence. He’s never been even half as paranoid about boys as Bella imagines her father to be.


“See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.” If you’re not an undead creature trying to deflower me and then eat me, stay out! Why is it creepy for her father to check on her, but flattering to have Edward breaking into her room?


“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.” Edward Cullen for Fruit of the Loom.


“"I'm sorry." He pressed his lips together, trying to hide his amusement.” He’s just laughed at her twice on one page.


“Then he leaned forward and reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I was a toddler.” This whole chapter is making my stomach squirm. She keeps on dissing her father’s attempts to be fatherly, and creaming her panties at Edward being fatherly. What kind of sick complex does this girl have?


“I thought about having Edward in my room, with my father in the house.” I imagine he’d be rather surprised that you snuck a boy in, but what do you think he’s going to do?


“I banged the bathroom door loudly, so Charlie wouldn't come up to bother me.” He might ask if I was okay, or want to talk more about my life. How could he!?!


“I tried not to think of Edward, sitting in my room, waiting, because then I had to start all over with the calming process.” … guess she has one of those detachable showerheads.


“I rubbed the towel through my hair again, and then yanked the brush through it quickly.” That’s terrible for the hair, you know. I’ll bet Bella has split ends like nobodies business.


“Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.” Yeah, Adonis was beautiful, but he was also an idiot and a jerk. So… I guess it’s an accurate description.


“As if he couldn't know Charlie's mind much more clearly than I could guess.” But if he has even the slightest idea what you’re privately thinking, you flip the fuck out.


“I could no longer hear the sound of his breathing.” Why is he breathing? He’s dead.


“You’re driving me crazy," I explained.
He considered that briefly, and when he spoke, he sounded pleased. "Really?" A triumphant smile slowly lit his face.” Yeah… Edward’s a virgin.


“And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…"” Don’t get too flattered, loverboy. She has orgasms from watching you blow your nose.


“"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
I scowled. I didn't like the talk of leaving.” Stay and murder me! Just don’t leave! Talk about your codependence.


“But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.” That’s only sexy if you’re into bondage play, and he’s doing this after telling her that it’s gotten a little bit easier for him not to just tear her throat out.


“He'd laughed more tonight than I'd ever heard in all the time I'd spent with him.” But he’s still laughing at you.


Here Edward goes into a long speech about his totally unreasonable jealousy. He describes feeling fury at other boys asking out a girl who he treated like garbage and more furious at the idea that she might accept. He breaks into her house for the first time, because he wants her as his property. Bella isn’t a person to him, she’s a plaything. A trophy.


“Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…"” Vile Mike Newton? Last I checked, Mike hasn’t stalked a girl, threatened her, broken into her house, encouraged her to lie to her parents, and spent all his time laughing at her.


“His teeth gleamed. He drew my trapped hands around his back, holding me to his chest. I kept as still as I could, even breathing with caution.” Just reading this sentence, would you believe she was in love with this guy, or that she was scared to death of him? Fun game – pretend this is Bella’s re-write of her life with Edward after Stockholm Syndrome sets in.


“Why should I get off so easily?"” … never mind.


“I tried to pull back, to look in his face, but his hand locked my wrists in an unbreakable hold.” Remember girls, this is what romance looks like!


“I could feel his cool breath on my neck, feel his nose sliding along my jaw, inhaling.” God, that’s scary.


“"You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."” So she smells like shampoo? What’s mouthwatering about that? Maybe if she smelled like steak or chocolate cake… Next time I see my boyfriend I’m going to take a huge whiff of his neck and inform him that he smells like cedar and it makes my mouth water. He doesn’t and it doesn’t, but hey, if it’s romantic of Edward to love the taste of plants, why not me too?


“"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."” Freesia isn’t edible. Nor is it very appetizing.


“I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was.” I’m really tempted to count the double entendres that even I can spot.


“"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleeptalking."” Of course it’s perfectly okay that you read the thoughts of everyone around me. They aren’t as important as I am.


“"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident… "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."” So they’re having the sex talk on their first date. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since sex is all they have holding them together.


“"I'm curious now, though," he said, his voice light again. "Have you ever… ?"He trailed off suggestively.” What business is it of his?


“"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."
"They do for me.” At least she’s being honest about the lust, but there’s no love here.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Alder » Sun Mar 14, 2010 8:08 pm UTC

Wow, that was long! Nice work again, Kendo_Bunny.

...I found the freesia thing awfully funny when I read it, it's such an old-lady's hand soap scent.

[Oo! And guess what I got from Amazon this week? Six - count them, six! - of the Betsy books which are finally in print again! I'm going to have so much fun!]
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:39 pm UTC

I just bought those too!

It got me thinking - Betsy is probably what SMeyer envisioned Bella as being: smart, fun and funny, responsible, caring, and understanding. Instead, Bella is incurious, close-minded, mouthy, disrespectful, and catty.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby sanguine » Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:40 pm UTC

podbaydoor wrote:Charlotte Brontë had it right, not Stephanie Meyer - kissing a cold marble statue is not sexy. I don't know where this obsession with granite is coming from.

OT:
*cough* Sorry to be such a smart-arse, but granite and marble are two very different kinds of rock. *cough*


I only saw the movie, and I thought Carlisle has SO much potential for creepy, deceitful evilness, but alas...
"Oh, no. We're not trapped in here with them. They're trapped in here with Jenkins." "What's a Jenkins?" "Jenkins is... well, he's on our side. You'll come to appreciate that."

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Robstickle » Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:50 pm UTC

You know reading Kendo's dissection it's becoming harder and harder to imagine that Stephanie actually intended Bella and Edward to be likable.

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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Wed Apr 07, 2010 2:46 am UTC

Chapter 15: Oh Boy, Fun with Fake History!


“I lay with my arm across my eyes, groggy and dazed.” Okay, so she fell asleep with Edward last night. This… just doesn’t seem healthy. Either she got terrible sleep because she was snuggling a statue, which would make sense, or it’s about to get weirder.

“I moaned and rolled on my side, hoping more sleep would come. And then the previous day flooded back into my awareness.” Remember when Bella told us she wasn’t verbose?

“"Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."” That’s a really passive-aggressive compliment. It’s like saying “You’re fat. Good thing I like fatties.”

“"Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap.” This speaks for itself.

“I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin.” I don’t know, this just seems disturbing paternal. The first thing she wants to do when she sees him is climb into his lap. Thank God this didn’t take place in the late 40’s or early 50’s when girls sometimes called their lovers ‘Daddy’.

“"I was sure it was a dream."
"You're not that creative," he scoffed.” I’m sure this is meant as charming teasing, but instead it comes off as more condescending bullshit, and would earn a swift kick in the shins from any reasonably aware woman.

“"Charlie!" I remembered, thoughtlessly jumping up again and heading to the door.” She used ‘thoughtlessly’ twice in one page. Also, thoughtlessly doesn’t seem like the right word either time.

“"He left an hour ago — after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were
determined to go?"” Wait, what? Charlie detached her car’s battery cables or did Edward? We have no way of knowing, because nothing was or is ever again mentioned about battery cables. Also, this is really out of character for Charlie, since he seems to want Bella to get out of the house. But maybe he thought he was helping her with her “rebellion” in a sort of *nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no more* sort of way.

“I deliberated where I stood, wanting to return to him badly, but afraid I might have morning breath.” Because Lord knows nothing kills a budding romance like a breath of wake-up stank. But since you smell like juicy freesia burgers I don’t think he’d notice if you had the breath of a camel.

“"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.” Bleh. Just another reminder of the stalking.
“I skipped to the bathroom, my emotions unrecognizable.” The structure of this sentence is terrible. Does she not know how she feels about skipping to the bathroom? Is she not showing her emotions about the bathroom? Does she not know how she feels about bathrooms or skipping or what?

“The face in the mirror was practically a stranger — eyes too bright, hectic spots of red across my cheekbones.” I’m playing a new game with this story – this is Bella’s narrative after Stockholm Syndrome sets in, after Edward has locked her in his basement. In this scene, Edward has obviously given her meth in her sleep.

“"Welcome back," he murmured, taking me into his arms.” I guess young girls would find that romantic, but I’d find it a little creepy if a guy was waiting with his arms outstretched the whole time I was in the bathroom. Being joined at the hip does not denote love.

“He rocked me for a while in silence, until I noticed that his clothes were changed, his hair smooth.
"You left?" I accused, touching the collar of his fresh shirt.
"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbors think?"
I pouted.
"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything."” More disturbing paternalism. Bella is very childish, but does she really need to be described in child-like terms?

“His eyes gleamed. "The talking came earlier."” Of course he wouldn’t leave until he had pried into her private thoughts and feelings. You know, she keeps some things secret because she doesn’t want him to know them. He doesn’t appear to give a sweet bippy what she wants.

“"You said you loved me."” No one in the history of ever sleep talks like that.

“"You are my life now," he answered simply.” That is not romantic. That is creepy. It’s not love, it’s obsession, and why would any person want someone else to be obsessed with them? It’s not fun, and you end up getting badly done poetry and comparisons to cannolis.

“"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock
crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
He frowned in disgust. "That wasn't funny."” I have to admit, that was actually kind of funny on her part. She ruined it by laughing at her own joke, but that’s the sort of thing a normal couple would do. However, Edward is such a ridiculous narcissist that he can’t take any joke that is not made at another person’s expense.

“But I examined his gold eyes carefully, to make sure that I was forgiven.” No one should have to do that.

“He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me
breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair.” So now she can’t walk unassisted? He doesn’t seem to treat this as a joke, but as her legitimately not being able to walk downstairs without accidentally decapitating herself or sit in a chair without being trampled by a rampaging hippogriph.

“"Can I get you anything?" I asked, not wanting to be rude.
He rolled his eyes. "Just eat, Bella."” He doesn’t even like when she’s trying to be polite?

“"Are you afraid now?" He sounded hopeful.” Oh boy, I scared the weak woman thing!

“"Don't worry." He smirked. "I'll protect you."” Now that he has apparently put the fear of being savagely eaten into her, his good humor is restored.

“"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" — he smiled, but his voice was harsh — "on whether I'd bring you back,” O.o And Carlisle’s talent is supposedly compassion? What kind of sick people bet on whether their supposed friend is going to eat his date?

“"Is that any good?" he asked, turning back to me abruptly and eyeing my breakfast with a teasing look on his face. "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."
"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…" I murmured, ignoring him when he glowered.” She’s apparently grown a sense of humor in this chapter, but every time she makes a joke, it just makes Edward madder.

“He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again, staring abstractedly out the back windows.” Abstractedly is technically correct, but it doesn’t read well.

“His smile was patient.” Because Bella is a toddler, see.

“"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.” And there he goes with the demanding again. What is he going to do if she doesn’t?

“I suppressed my internal cringing at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boy friend all in the same room at the same time.” Why?
“"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details."” Especially that whole part about me wanting to drink your blood and eat your flesh.

“"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."” Why would he? Seriously, these two are so wrapped up in their fantasy of forbidden love that they simply forget that Charlie has been urging Bella to date since day one and that he’s gay for Carlisle. Seriously, why are they so obsessed with this imaginary persecution?

“"Will you be?" I asked, suddenly anxious. "Will you really be here?"” This is not a normal or a healthy reaction.

“"Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."
He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I'd thought, and I bounded right into him. He steadied me, holding me a careful distance away for a few seconds before suddenly pulling me closer.
"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."” Considering that she’s tempting in the ‘Please eat me’ sense… also, I defy anyone to say that these books are chaste.

“"You are so absurd."” And Edward’s speech makes no sense.

“The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.” Considering his mouth should smell like a charnel house, I could believe that.

“"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" he said. It was clearly a rhetorical question.
His fingers traced slowly down my spine, his breath coming more quickly against my skin. My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly.
And then I collapsed.
"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up.
"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
I laughed weakly, letting his arms support me while my head spun.
"So much for being good at everything," he sighed.
"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."
"Do you feel sick?" he asked; he'd seen me like this before.
"No — that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." I
shook my head apologetically, "I think I forgot to breathe."
"I can't take you anywhere like this."” I know this is a huge quote chunk, but it’s just so disturbing that it bore full quoting. It’s just… disgusting.

“"I'm very partial to that color with your skin," he offered unexpectedly.” I think this is supposed to make him sound old-fashioned, but it really just makes him sound pretentious.

“The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the
house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.” Again with the pretentious language. Nobody talks like that.

“The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old. It was painted a soft, faded white, three stories tall, rectangular and well proportioned.” Actually, a more ornate, asymmetrical style was popular at the turn of the century. Georgian architecture was out of style, so why is their old house a Georgian?

“The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large.” Wait, how could it be very bright? The entire house is completely shaded in by trees, and even if it wasn’t, Georgian architecture rarely has large windows.

“Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edward's parents.” I guess they’ve just been waiting there all day for Edward and Princess Speshul Snowflake to arrive.

“Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era.” Except when Esme died in the 1920’s, most women wore their hair short.

Random Alice acting spastic while her very WASPy family looks on disapprovingly.

“you have a very beautiful home," I added conventionally.” I think that was supposed to be “conversationally”.

“She spoke with feeling, and I realized that she thought I was brave.” I guess it’s easier to think that than that you were blinded by lust.

“She was happy, absorbed — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the "mom" persona I took for granted. She'd put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.” This is actually kind of sad. Her mother apparently has one skill and one joy in life, and Bella shot it down the second she tried to share it. Then again, our image of Bella in childhood is a spoiled little brat who cries and whines to get her own way in everything.


“"No," she laughed. "Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No." I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes.” Wait, what? Why would she act like this was some rudeness on his part? She’s never actually asked him about his interests or what he does in his spare time beyond be gorgeous and break into her bedroom.

In this next chunk of dialogue, 10 different words are used instead of ‘said’. Seriously, it reads like a Mad Lib.

“He gave me a long, exasperated look before he turned to the keys.” Why is the only thing Edward is willing to show off how easily he could murder her?

“his eyes wide and persuasive.” I’m not sure what one has to do with the other…

“"I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."
I thought about the reason for that, and shuddered.” So the whole blood drinking thing bothers you when it’s not Edward. I guess because she knows full well that Jasper doesn’t want to sexxorz her.

“Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction."” That’s…. really disturbing. Even a fundamentalist discovering the son she thought was gay and going to hell has a girlfriend would not be this happy. It’s just weird.

“"Alice has her own way of looking at things," he said through tight lips.” I’m going to pretend the reason he just got snippy is because Alice saw herself and Bella running away to share passionate lesbian vampire love.

“"I have to, because I'm going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."” Except that he is. If he doesn’t think his behavior has been tyrannical or overbearing and he thinks he’s about to behave badly, then he’s even less self-aware than I thought.

“"Yes… well, they aren't like us, of course — in their hunting habits, I mean. They
probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."” Screw everyone else, though. A few dead people don’t bother me if you’re fine!

“I shivered.
"Finally, a rational response!"” He goes on to explain that it’s her self-preservation, but I’d be shivering in fear if Edward Cullen decided he wasn’t going to let me out of his sight for weeks. Also, the plot has arrived – sort of – on page 155 out of 235. That’s gotta be a record of some kind.

“He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.” He just licked her tears. And she still is not disturbed by this guy. Just… wow.

And here we’re getting into the history fail.

“"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway.” Except as the son of a prominent minister, Carlisle would have known when he was born. If his father had his own vicarage, he would have known the year. Carlisle should also speak and read Latin and Greek, like all educated boys of his time.

“As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions.” First off, what? The Protestants were already in power and had been for over 100 years at that point, and Catholics had been persecuted for over 100 years. As for other religions, what other religions? The Jews were expelled in the 13th century and there sure as hell weren’t any Muslims, Buddhists, or Hindus in England at that time. I think she means the Puritans or perhaps the Presbyterians, but an Anglican pastor would not be so happy about that. After all, it was the Church of England – a Royalist institution. Anglican pastors were often thrown into prison.

“"They burned a lot of innocent people” NO THEY DIDN’T! Witches haven’t been burned in England since at most the 1400’s. The last person burned for heresy (not witchcraft) was in 1612. Witches and other supernatural beings were hanged.

“He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt.” Considering the underground sewer system in London wasn’t built until the 1860’s, and the sewers were open ditches running into the Thames, I’m sure it wasn’t that hard. Perhaps she’s thinking of catacombs, but they didn’t have those in London.

“He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days.” That doesn’t make any sense. Partially because potatoes were not frequently consumed as human food until about 1720, and partially because who leaves a cellar full of rotting potatoes?

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PlayingMonkey
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Re: Twilight?

Postby PlayingMonkey » Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:31 am UTC

Kendo_Bunny, if you are female and if I didn't already have a girlfriend I'd ask you to marry me.
I require something interesting here. Alas, I have no intelligence or patience to deal with it.

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Kendo_Bunny
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Kendo_Bunny » Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:14 pm UTC

PlayingMonkey wrote:Kendo_Bunny, if you are female and if I didn't already have a girlfriend I'd ask you to marry me.


I'm a female, but I also have a boyfriend :P I appreciate it though.

I was thinking about starting a facebook page, but would that look too self-aggrandizing, or would it just be a better way to reach a wider audience?

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Alder
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Re: Twilight?

Postby Alder » Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:20 pm UTC

Oo, I forgot to do my "thanks for another chapter analysis" post, so, thanks for another chapter analysis, Kendo_Bunny!
Plasma Man wrote:I might have to get rid of some of my breadbins.

Kulantan wrote:I feel a great disturbance in the Fora, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then kinda trailed off to a grumble.


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