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1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:57 am UTC
by dalcde
Image
Title text: "He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh."

Why do we have to appeal to the magic bag when we can simply postulate a magic stomach?

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:01 am UTC
by Neil_Boekend
If you combine it with the fact that Santa visits millions of houses in one night it is quite clear where all that mass is going: he's converting it to energy to accelerate to near light speed.
The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:01 am UTC
by rhomboidal
"He had a broad face and a little round belly/That shook when he laughed, like a bowel full of poop" just doesn't have the same enchanting ring to it.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:03 am UTC
by keithl
Have you seen the stuff that most people get - or eat - on Christmas? Indistinguishable from excrement, IMNSHO. The question isn't what Santa does with his crap, but how often he must dive into the effluent of industrial production to dredge up more kilotons of dreck to inflict on the juvenile and credulous. Plastic geegaws, extruded from hydrocarbon ooze. Candy canes, the bleached bones of some pungent Cookie Monster. Fruitcake ... need I say more?

Morose Christmas to all, and to all, a glum night! :(

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:29 am UTC
by sfmans
It may be the drugs talking, but I still enjoy Christmas.

Not in a creepy start-in-mid-October sort of way (I'm still at work on Xmas Eve and it definitely hasn't kicked in yet) but there's still a certain something about the wholly unattainable and entirely invented myth of a perfect Christmas.

So Happy Christmas everyone, and watch out for the Santa poop ...

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:44 am UTC
by Angua
The answer here is obviously that all cookies are as one cookie, and all glasses of milk as one glass of milk.

Except the one that is a turnip.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:50 am UTC
by Neil_Boekend

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:03 am UTC
by N4ppy
I'm pretty sure he must have a Mr. Fusion in the back of the Sleigh. What else to do with all that poop then E=mc2.

What else would explain him visiting all those houses :)

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:06 am UTC
by unlimitedbacon
Santa only eats a small fraction of the cookies. The bulk of them are fed to the reindeer who, due to their magic nature, convert the mass of the cookies to energy in order to accelerate themselves and the sleigh to superluminal speeds. This also eliminates the need for pooping.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:07 am UTC
by xanthk
Santa, being magical, is filled with magically great warmth and pressure. Where do you think he gets all that coal for the naughty children?

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:26 am UTC
by StClair
ah, the thread is up at last, so I can say what I was thinking earlier:

"Reaction mass, of course."

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:37 am UTC
by azule
^Say it clearer. I don't understand.

Sorry, everyone, but you are wrong. (Good way to start all arguments.) According to the comic, Santa has to eat them himself. He cannot give them to his reindeer. Plus, now the comic is wrong (but those were guesses). He doesn't poop anywhere. No time. He actually, compresses all the goodies into one pressurized bowel movement. This creates coal. Sorry, I mean, he does this with a good portion of goodies, so he ends up with piles of coal to give out to naughty kids (or those who stiffed him on the milk and cookies).

I guess any that he doesn't give out he uses to power his sled (steam power, yo!). Kidding about the last part. (Serious about the rest? :shock: )

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:42 am UTC
by Klear


I swear, if I end up playing Cookie Clicker obsessively instead of celebrating Christmas, I'm going to find you and feed you cookies until you explode!

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:56 am UTC
by Neil_Boekend
If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:28 am UTC
by HES
Why, Neil, why.
Neil_Boekend wrote:The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"

Magic christmas flywheel. That's what those swirly lollipops are really for.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:37 pm UTC
by pkcommando
Why can't there be 2 magic sacks? One for presents and one for poop. Poopsacking.

The presents one is red, before anyone asks how he keeps from getting them mixed up.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:51 pm UTC
by HES
He's still going to have to have a ridiculously effective digestive system

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:01 pm UTC
by Neil_Boekend
HES wrote:He's still going to have to have a ridiculously effective digestive system

Sufficiently advanced digestive systems are indistinguishable from magic

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:01 pm UTC
by cellocgw
Well...

Randall's into some serious shit here :mrgreen:

Luckily, compared with magic flying reindeer, metabolic processes and byproducts are trivial magic.

BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:

ETA:
Neil_Boekend wrote: Sufficiently advanced digestive systems are indistinguishable from magic
<-- what I said!

BTW, is it just my impression, or is this thread almost entirely populated with OTTers?

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:16 pm UTC
by HES
cellocgw wrote:BTW, is it just my impression, or is this thread almost entirely populated with OTTers?

That's because everyone else is at home with their families (or travelling to be so).

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:19 pm UTC
by Klear
cellocgw wrote:BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:


That actually makes frightening amount of sense o.0

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:36 pm UTC
by Whizbang
Klear wrote:
cellocgw wrote:BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:


That actually makes frightening amount of sense o.0



Ah, but what about different time zones? Obviously he cannot go down all chimneys at once. He must do the above at least 24 times, though likely more.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:19 pm UTC
by pminva
Germans needed to capture mass when blimp fuel burned to keep the airships stable. Now we have the answer - how Santa keeps his sleigh stable as the large mass of presents are dropped off on his run. I'm going with the two bag theory - cookie poop mass offsetting loss of presents mass.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:54 pm UTC
by richP
azule wrote:^Say it clearer. I don't understand.

Sorry, everyone, but you are wrong. (Good way to start all arguments.) According to the comic, Santa has to eat them himself. He cannot give them to his reindeer. Plus, now the comic is wrong (but those were guesses). He doesn't poop anywhere. No time. He actually, compresses all the goodies into one pressurized bowel movement. This creates coal. Sorry, I mean, he does this with a good portion of goodies, so he ends up with piles of coal to give out to naughty kids (or those who stiffed him on the milk and cookies).

I guess any that he doesn't give out he uses to power his sled (steam power, yo!). Kidding about the last part. (Serious about the rest? :shock: )


Wait, so if none of us gave cookies, Santa would not be able to leave coal for any of us? That's a holly jolly version of the Prisoner's Dilemma right there.

Alternatively, we can look at it as a commentary on the cosmic duality of good and evil. The good (check the list twice) provide the material (cookies) for punishment (coal) of the evil (naughty list), yet if there was an overabundance of good with no evil, Santa would have a massive coal-based bowel obstruction. This scenario ends with feral reindeer roaming the frozen remains of the surface of the Earth while the various fractured clans of elves battle for territory.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:05 pm UTC
by fangbeer
The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available creates obvious sled design problems it's quite reasonable to assume that Santa operates on a standard postage delivery model in which several route drivers handle distribution. I believe this is the simplest solution to the problem. The quantum proposition above is certainly interesting, but I'm not sure I understand how a quantum Santa could deliver simultaneous payloads of different information. Wouldn't the quantum Santa have to deliver the SAME package to every home? This is clearly not the observed results.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:35 pm UTC
by silverkitty
I thought he takes the cookies and saves them for the rest of the year so he can feed himself and his elves and his reindeer until next Christmas.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:10 pm UTC
by HES
And food preservation is why he's based at the north pole.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:46 pm UTC
by San Fran Sam
Well, I don't really have much of anything to add to this conversation, but I had to post something this Christmas season until I change my avatar back after the first of the year.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:06 pm UTC
by Klear
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.


I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:10 pm UTC
by Neil_Boekend
Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, caught myself too.


I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Been there. Got kicked out for getting the Lightbringer addicted to Cookie Clicker.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 2:48 am UTC
by keithl
fangbeer wrote:The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available ...


One word: San-Torrent

The magic bag contains not only presents, but more magic bags, sleighs, reindeer, and Santas. Starting around US Thanksgiving, Santa does his first deployment, leaving one, two, four, ... Santas, sleighs, etc. in shopping malls around the world. Each Santa-clone spends the next few weeks gathering information about each mall, using a network of elven spies masquerading as children.

After the malls close on December 24, Santas and elves rob the malls. During January inventory, the shrinkage is attributed to "shoplifters" - a vicious lie spread by Santa to shift blame to allegedly naughty kids. No such thing, all children are perfect.

The vast torrent of Santas multiply further as they spread out from the malls with burglary tools, entering homes and apartments, leaving the "presents" and gathering cookies. Not the carbohydrate kind; instead, they hack every family computer for browser cache information, stealing passwords, credit card and bank account information, leaving viruses and spyware. Yes, Santa knows when you are sleeping, etc., because he controls your webcam and security system. Do not blame exploits and credit card fraud on ordinary decent people - nope, it is all the San-torrent army.

Finishing up their evil work, the Santas converge and climb back into magic bags until there is one Santa left, who flies back to his secret base in Antarctica (NORTH pole? More lies ...) to prepare next year's cyberattacks.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:05 am UTC
by azule
fangbeer, if Santa is a delivery service, it must now stand for something:
Super
Accurate
Night (or Network)
Transportation
Avatar

eh? *shrugs*

richP wrote:The good (check the list twice) provide the material (cookies) for punishment (coal) of the evil (naughty list), yet if there was an overabundance of good with no evil, Santa would have a massive coal-based bowel obstruction.
I think that many naughty will leave cookies as bribe or thinking they're not naughty.

What if he produces more coal than there are naughties? He could unload them anywhere, just not under the tree, such as mid-flight or by a rock.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 5:24 am UTC
by Jhn1
You admit it is a "magic sack".
It is deliberate misinformation about bad kids and coal,
those bad kids are the kids getting "crappy presents".

(Sorry, I couldn't help myself)

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 5:42 am UTC
by dtilque
This strip is only looking at half the problem, the cookie half. What about all the milk he drinks? If he drinks .25 liter every third house or so, that'd be millions of liters by the end of the night! He'd better have a magical bladder to go with his magic bag.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:48 am UTC
by BlitzGirl
Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:27 am UTC
by ThemePark
Neil_Boekend wrote:If you combine it with the fact that Santa visits millions of houses in one night it is quite clear where all that mass is going: he's converting it to energy to accelerate to near light speed.
The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"

So you're saying that Santa farts his way around the world. That's quite some powerful farting.

fangbeer wrote:The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available creates obvious sled design problems it's quite reasonable to assume that Santa operates on a standard postage delivery model in which several route drivers handle distribution. I believe this is the simplest solution to the problem. The quantum proposition above is certainly interesting, but I'm not sure I understand how a quantum Santa could deliver simultaneous payloads of different information. Wouldn't the quantum Santa have to deliver the SAME package to every home? This is clearly not the observed results.

Which explains all the fake mall Santas. They really are Santa's helpers.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:13 pm UTC
by Baccar Wozat
Maybe he poops coal!

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:28 pm UTC
by Neil_Boekend
BlitzGirl wrote:Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.

But the comic was about massive amounts of cookies!

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:34 pm UTC
by Klear
Neil_Boekend wrote:
BlitzGirl wrote:Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.

But the comic was about massive amounts of cookies!


7 quadrillions total now. 7 QUADRILLIONS!!!


I hate you.

Re: 1464: "Santa"

Posted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:38 pm UTC
by Neil_Boekend
Moehaha