0857: "Archimedes"

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Eternal Density » Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:05 am UTC

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.
Didn't have to change that one.

Fools seldom differ in blood-spray patterns.

Great minds think you're not going where you think you're going.

Don't bite the hand that holds the deadman switch.

And now some modified quotes: (wow, there's a lot more than I expected to write. Just kept adding more and got out of hand. A few of them are in teh spirit of the comic, some are just random changes, some are playing around with the quote by only changing a single word or a few letters. Or even a single letter...)
Keep in mind that they are all misquotes so they do not reflect at all what the author originally intended (which is kinda the point) and aren't written without any mind to the identity of the author. Leaving them on makes it easier to for people to find the original quote if interested.

My work is a game, a very serious game which you don't want to play. - M. C. Escher
Don't think, just do me. - Horace
Everything you can imagine is real for as long as you can afford the sedatives. - Pablo Picasso
When we can't dream any longer you die. - Emma Goldman
The knife hidden in my wig has always been important. - Diana Ross
At times I think and at times I am merely waiting for you to make a wrong move. - Paul Valery
Business is the salt of life, but right now I have a hankering for fried chicken. - Voltaire
The way to do well is to pay me well. - Donald Rumsfeld
Forever is composed of rows. - Emily Dickinson
The soul's joy lies in doing. And the body's joy... yeah. - Percy Bysshe Shelley
An honest man is always a child-slaver once the media are done with him. - Socrates
Everybody grows around me. - Queen Victoria
Your best teacher is your last mistake because your last mistake teaches you how to die. - Ralph Nader
Written reports stifle anyone whose throats I cram them down. - H. Ross Perot
Turn your wounds into a cheaper way to catch flies than with honey. - Oprah Winfrey
Careful bribes and diligence in applying blackmail bring luck. - Thomas Fuller
A beauty without expression gets boring. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Old age is a shipwreck, but you're being boarded by pirates. - Charles De Gaulle
All art is quite useless, but chicks dig it. - Oscar Wilde
Wisdom is a sacred communion. So tell me what you know or this will be your last supper. - Victor Hugo
Children are the keys of paradise, though it's best to wait until they develop some neck strength before trying them in the lock. - Eric Hoffer
Test fast, fail fast, adjust fast, or die fast. - Tom Peters
Time is a monkey. Fruitflies like a banana - Benjamin Franklin
Men are what your mother made them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courage is found in unlikely places, and I figured your sister's closet was a very unlikely place. - J. R. R. Tolkien
Life is God's novel. I'm His backspace key. You look like a typo. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
The computer is a moron compared to anyone but you. - Peter F. Drucker
Minds ripen at very different ages, but most zombies can't taste the difference. - Stevie Wonder
You can't test courage cautiously. You're the first test subject to survive this long. - Annie Dillard
Integral calculus has no need of rulers. - Albert Camus
A man's kiss is his signature, which makes petition drives fun. - Mae West
You may delay, but the timer will not. - Benjamin Franklin
To begin, press Start. - William Wordsworth
Evil is whatever distracts ~ ooh a kitty!. - Franz Kafka
To live is to think, so think fast! - Marcus Tullius Cicero
Pictures must not be too picturesque if you want them on the cover page. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Actions lie louder than words, but explosions make for loud truths. - Bob Wells
Life's more amusing than you thought. Why so serious? - Andrew Lang
You can be sincere and still be stupid, but you're dead either way. - Charles F. Kettering
Fear makes us feel our wallets. - Benjamin Disraeli
Love is being stupid together. Let's test that by only killing one of you. - Paul Valery
More than kisses, letters mingle souls. So let's sing the alphabet song! - John Donne
Love is a hole in the heart. Some kids are born with too much love. - Ben Hecht
You won't get older unless you get better. - Shirley Bassey
I am essentially a loner. That makes you expendable. - Lauren Bacall
War is a catalouge of blunders. Seems you've got last year's edition. - Winston Churchill
Hitch your wagon to a star and trek across the universe. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Explorers have to be ready to die lost. On that note, no one knows I found you. - Russell Hoban
I know how men in exile feed, from your dreams. - Aeschylus
I wish she would only take me as I am. - Vincent Van Gogh
We allow no live geniuses around our Studio. - Walt Disney
A friend in power is a friend lost under mysterious circumstances. - Henry B. Adams
Simba is flying never to return. - Virgil
Most ball games are lost than the bosses will allow. - Casey Stengel
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster and fill the bath. - Clint Eastwood
A joke is a very serious thing. Wanna know how I got these scars? - Winston Churchill
A good wrecking ball is sunshine in the house. - William Makepeace Thackeray
Get mad, then get over the fence before the fuzz arrive. - Colin Powell
God is a verb, not an interjection. - R. Buckminster Fuller
The wisest of the wise may, err... mmm, donuts! - Aeschylus
Fear is the mother of Foresight. Foresight will never get over all the jokes. - Thomas Hardy
Trouble shared is a serious breach of operational security. - Lee Iacocca
One man with C4 is a majority. - Thomas Jefferson
We have met the enemy and he is under the floorboards. - Walt Kelly
Art is science made clear, but he thinks it's more dramatic to go by 'Arthur the Invisible' - Wilson Mizner
I will make you shorter by the head. - Elizabeth I (Didn't need to change this one!)
Boldness be my friend for twenty dollars and your self respect. - William Shakespeare
Appearances are often deceiving, and disappearances are often suspicious. - Aesop
Mistakes are the portals of discovery. Come back to the testing area for your cake. - James Joyce
Dance Dance Revolution was not made for export. - Nikita S. Khrushchev
I didn't think; I experimented on the kids. - Anthony Burgess
Film spectators are quiet unless there's vampires. - Jim Morrison
Neither irony or sarcasm alone is argument, but together... - Samuel Butler
To oppose something is to maintain it. You're due for mandatory scheduled maintenance. Say hi to the turrets! - Ursula K. Le Guin
It takes two flints to make a fire, not that I have any personal experience with such matters. Not that I'm prejudiced against people who do. - Louisa May Alcott
Honor lies in honest soil. Buried. - Grover Cleveland
The goal of mall life is death. Let's shop! - Sigmund Freud
We pass through this world's butt once. - Stephen Jay Gould
For the loot, Boo, go for the loot! - Ava Gardner
I have my own woman. - Evita Peron
I am I plus my circumference divided by pi squared... no, there was meant to be an exponential in there somewhere... - Jose Ortega y Gasset
It is easier to stay out than get out. Quicksand sucks. - Mark Twain
All men by nature desire to know women. - Aristotle
Adversity is the first path to your left. - Lord Byron
He who laughs most, learns the effects of Joker gas first. - John Cleese
No nice men are good at getting taxes. That's why the IRS sent me. - Katherine Whitehorn
I am not a myth. Not thinthe the wedding. The lithp is rethent too. - Marlene Dietrich
Lessons are not given, they are taken. Want a lesson in breathing? - Cesare Pavese
When in doubt, don't get caught. - Benjamin Franklin
I cannot live without boobs. - Thomas Jefferson
You are all special cases. - Albert Camus
You can't hit what you can't see, so dimming the lights to set the mood is likely to backfire. - Walter Johnson
Everything in life is luck. Punk. - Donald Trump
The basis of optimism is sheer nightgowns. - Oscar Wilde
Violence is not funny if there's a good reason for it. - William Friedkin
I modelled my looks on the down ramp. - Dolly Parton
A leader is a dealer in disguise. - Napoleon Bonaparte
A leader is a dealer in anagrams. - Napoleon Bonaparte (couldn't decide between these two)
Silence is the virtue of food. - Francis Bacon (with coincidentally funny relevant name!)
I buy when other people are selling. Otherwise I have to steal it. - J. Paul Getty
I am a part of all that I have seen since I bought a mirror. - Alfred Lord Tennyson
Death ends a life, so can a relationship. - Jack Lemmon
I confess, I do not believe in time, not for any of you. - Vladimir Nabokov
God makes stars. I just visit them. - Samuel Goldwyn
Do not go gentle on that good night. - Dylan Thomas
No lava, no diamonds. - Thomas Carlyle
Big Brother is watching you while Ceiling Cat has a nap. - George Orwell
May you leave every day of your life. - Jonathan Swift
A hungry man is not a freeman, but I still wouldn't eat headcrabs uncooked. - Adlai E. Stevenson
A daydream is an invasion. - Thomas Merton
There is no such thing as a good taxi. - Winston Churchill
There is no such thing as a good sax. - Winston Churchill
It is legal because I wash it. - Louis XIV
On stage, I am in the park. - Maria Callas
Adults are obese children. - Dr. Seuss
Be sincere; be brief; be heated. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fortune and love favor the rave. - Ovid
All sins are attempts to fill "voids". - Simone Weil (all it took was some quote marks :P)
Liberation is not deliverance, but it's a cheaper way to get pizza if you get away with it. - Victor Hugo
Marriage is a great institution but the recovery rate of inmates is low. - Elizabeth Taylor
I want to live my life, don't record it! - Jacqueline Kennedy
Applesauce on a receipt, not a bill. - Dale Carnegie
Abused patients turn to furry. - Thomas Fuller
The pen is the tongue of the mind. - Horace (I'm going to leave any changes to this quote up to your imagination.)
Never mistake emotion for reaction. - Ernest Hemingway
Nothing endures but change. My wallet is stuffed full of nickels! - Heraclitus
Never give in and never give out. - Hubert H. Humphrey
Money doesn't talk, it swears. Which is why the bar of soap is in my pocket. - Bob Dylan
Time brings all things to pass, if you study hard and do your homework. - Aeschylus
I'd rather be lucky than food for wild animals. - Lefty Gomez
In solitude, where we are at least alone. - Lord Byron
Learn to think inter-continentally. - Alexander Hamilton
Modesty is a vastly x-rayed virtue. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Lift(tm) is wasted on the living. - Douglas Adams
I can throw out any man alive, but no guarantees he'll stay that way. - Johnny Bench
The proper study of mankind is boobs. - Aldous Huxley
We cannot learn men from boobs. - Benjamin Disraeli (o rly?)
God's colors all are fast, because they move at the speed of light. - John Greenleaf Whittier
In fair Weather prepare for dead foul. - Thomas Fuller
Instant gratification takes two long. - Carrie Fisher
Doubt is the father of invention, and he has a shotgun so don't mess with invention! - Ambrose Bierce
To have died once is enough, unless you refuse to cooperate. - Virgil
Solitaire is the playfield of Satan... no, I meant Minesweeper. - Vladimir Nabokov
A true friend stabs you in the front until the teams change, then he switches to play Pocket Medic to your Natascha Heavy. - Oscar Wilde
Things do not change; we change pants. - Henry David Thoreau
Somebody's borking me. I think it's me. - Dylan Thomas
Only entropy comes easy, if you have heat and cold in the right place. - Anton Chekhov
Wars are caused by undefined wealth. - Ernest Hemingway
If it bleeds, we can cook and eat it. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Big girls need big diamonds to be delivered by midnight if you want to see them alive. - Elizabeth Taylor
Chastity creates a multitude of sins. - Oscar Wilde
Democracy is an abuse of statisticians. - Jorge Luis Borges
The sweetest of all sounds is praise, in bed. - Xenophon
LAWs are inoperative in warm climates - Marcus Tullius Cicero
Every crowd has a silver lining but it's not considered polite to look for it. - P. T. Barnum
Completion is a sin. - John D. Rockefeller
An answer is always a form of death, but which answer you give determines how slow and painful your death will be. - John Fowles
Rise early, work hard, strike often. - J. Paul Getty
Men are only as loyal as their cats. - Bill Maher
Nothing will wok unless you do. - Maya Angelou
I have an unfortunate personality, who shall be disposed of the usual way. - Orson Welles
Too clever is dumped. - Ogden Nash
A gentlemanne can live through anything but that doesn't do any good if no one captures the control point. - William Faulkner
Dream in a phlegmatic way. - Aldous Huxley
True mobility is exempt from fear. RUN! - Marcus Tullius Cicero
The Pope is a walking dream. - Aristotle
Precaution is better than cute. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Strong women only marry weak men if the alternative is illegal. - Bette Davis
Nostalgia isn't what I used to be. - Peter De Vries
One may be humble out of pie. - Michel de Montaigne
You're beautiful, like a March fly. - Ernest Hemingway
Cyclic particle accelerator tracks will abound in Utopia. - H. G. Wells
Games lubricate the body and the mind will follow. - Benjamin Franklin
Even Napoleon had his Climategate. - Yogi Berra
Cynicism is intellectual treasure. - Norman Cousins
You can observe a lot by just witching. - Yogi Berra
An ugly sight, a man who is fried. - Jean Anouilh
Poe, try in a bottle. - Clifton Paul Fadiman
Faith is a passionate... uh, she's standing right behind me, isn't she? - William Wordsworth
Money often costs to mulch. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The secret to humor is... Surprise! - Aristotle
If a man can beat you, walk on him. - Satchel Paige
The crow makes the ballgame. - Ty Cobb
I do not seek. I find. So if you try to hide, you'll only try my patience. - Pablo Picasso
Don't fight the problem, fight the player. - George C. Marshall
Never give a sucker an clean break. A compound fracture will do. - W. C. Fields
The victor belongs to the spoilers. - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Countries are cured by contraries. - Cesare Pavese
Adventure is worth Cheap WoW Gold. - Aesop
The medium is in the massage parlour. - Marshall McLuhan
A lie never lives to be old. I'm here to make certain of that. - Sophocles
My nose grows with every failure. - George Bernard Shaw
Most people do not pay; they only beg. - George Bernard Shaw
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, hence the electrodes and Tesla coil. - Henry A. Kissinger
Boots, the children of the train. - Jonathan Swift
Thus shall you go to the stairs. - Virgil
The heel is come full circle, in a roundhouse kick. - William Shakespeare
Prejudice is the child of ignorance, yet I'm keeping you ignorant of the child's gender. - William Hazlitt
Now I know what love is - time for a smoke. - Virgil
Logic is in the eye of the logician, making him some sort of cyborg. - Gloria Steinem
All serious dating starts from within. - Eudora Welty
Adventure is worthwhile in places full of treasure. - Amelia Earhart
Read much, but not many books contain the cure. - Gustave Flaubert
Freedom is not enough. I demand a helicopter and a 3 hour head start too. - Lyndon B. Johnson
No enemy is worse than bad translation. - Sophocles
I say that justice is truth in television. - Benjamin Disraeli
He who hesitates is sometimes saved. But not this time! - James Thurber
All Honor's wounds are self-inflicted. She seriously needs a sparring partner. - Andrew Carnegie
Modesty is the conscience of the booty. - Honore de Balzac
Sanity is a cozy life, if retail music is your thing. - Susan Sontag
Nature abhors annihilation. That's because she's never seen mine. I've got antimatter, and I'm not afraid not afraid to use it. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (Also, Henry Foss)
lolol wrote:The way to a man's heart is through her chest.
That's one way, but the best way to a man's heart is between the second and third ribs on the left side of his chest.
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In the Marvel vs. DC film-making war, we're all winners.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby xarob » Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:04 am UTC

philip1201 wrote:You have two spaceships moving towards each other, one of them moves at 0.8c relative to the Earth and is equipped with a 800 nm laser (according to the ship) pointed at the other ship. How fast does the other ship have to go, given there is a sensor which responds to light with a wavelength of 400 nm or below, which is rigged to explode along with all the hostages if it isn't activated in 30 minutes.

Special relativity meets Speed in SPEED 2: RELATIVE VELOCITY

Hmmm... I make that a closing speed of at least 0.6c relative to the other ship, which is a velocity of at least 0.9459c relative to the Earth if the booby-trapped ship is trying to catch up, or at most 0.3846c relative to the Earth if it's already beyond the evil villain's ship.

Mind you, I did this on the back of an envelope before my first coffee of the day, so it could be wildly wrong....


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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby purpleriot » Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:20 pm UTC

Rome wasn't built on rock and roll.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby wiserd911 » Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:24 am UTC

Tyrannosaur wrote:Those are the best Ive heard in a long time...

Thank you, sir. :-)

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Apeiron » Thu Feb 10, 2011 6:25 pm UTC

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, or the hostage gets it!

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time with more firepower.
Henry Ford

A good conscience is a continual pain in the ass.
Benjamin Franklin

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows who let the dogs out.
William Shakespeare

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; lead your target and wear an oven mitt.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'd reply with a tautology.
Yogi Berra

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people to place one million dollars in unmarked bills in the trash can at 5th and Main.
Thomas Jefferson

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live and let die.
Bob Hope

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy die another day.
Bob Hope

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who better have my money.
Mitch Hedberg

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby wiserd911 » Fri Feb 11, 2011 4:24 am UTC

Apeiron wrote:I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who better have my money.
Mitch Hedberg

Doubly appropriate! :-) Unfortunately the original isn't that well known.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Carlington » Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:22 pm UTC

"The ships hung there in the sky, in much the same way as the zeppelin which is primed to drop a ten-megaton thermonuclear warhead on New York unless the funds are wired to my account in the Cayman Islands by six o'clock. This is your last warning. You know what you have to do." -- Douglas Adams
Kewangji: Posdy zwei tosdy osdy oady. Bork bork bork, hoppity syphilis bork.

Eebster the Great: What specifically is moving faster than light in these examples?
doogly: Hands waving furiously.

Please use he/him/his pronouns when referring to me.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby victoriaw » Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:09 pm UTC

When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise. -Lauren Bacall

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Twigshusband » Fri Feb 11, 2011 6:35 pm UTC

The Dalai Lama: If you can, help others; if you cannot do that I'll kill every Muthafu**in' one of ya!

Abraham Lincoln: Ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors to bullets, say hello to my little friend.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Carlington » Sat Feb 12, 2011 1:22 am UTC

"I think, therefore I kill" -- René Descartes
Kewangji: Posdy zwei tosdy osdy oady. Bork bork bork, hoppity syphilis bork.

Eebster the Great: What specifically is moving faster than light in these examples?
doogly: Hands waving furiously.

Please use he/him/his pronouns when referring to me.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby 2385a4 » Sun Feb 13, 2011 2:28 pm UTC

These have been called perverbs, by the way:

Some old classics:
  • Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for I am the meanest sonofbitch in the whole $(*&^ valley.
  • A fool and his money are a friend indeed.
  • The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is straight through his ribcage.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
(That last one is simultaneously an example of a "garden path sentence", syntactic ambiguity, punning, double entendre, and antanaclasis; but more importantly, more proof that "banana" is an Inherently Funny Word.)

Well, back to work. Tempus fugit.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby rogueface » Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:39 pm UTC

As nobody's mentioned it yet - my favorite take on the original quote the alt-text is based on is as follows:

:arrow: Give a man a flame, and he'll be warm for an evening. Set a man aflame, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

See, cause you set the guy on fire. It's funny because it's murder.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby RebeccaRGB » Wed Feb 16, 2011 12:07 am UTC

rogueface wrote:As nobody's mentioned it yet...

Hi rogueface! I'm nobody!
Stephen Hawking: Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?
Al Gore: I don't know. But I can darn well tell you where we're not—the universe!

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby Pfhorrest » Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:29 am UTC

RebeccaRGB wrote:
rogueface wrote:As nobody's mentioned it yet...

Hi rogueface! I'm nobody!

Apparently so am I.
Forrest Cameranesi, Geek of All Trades
"I am Sam. Sam I am. I do not like trolls, flames, or spam."
The Codex Quaerendae (my philosophy) - The Chronicles of Quelouva (my fiction)

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby victoriaw » Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:30 pm UTC

yeah, but he EXPLAINED it.... hah!

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby SpudTater » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:48 am UTC

2385a4 wrote: more proof that "banana" is an Inherently Funny Word.

But it's not a trochee!

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby alreadytaken4536 » Sat Feb 19, 2011 7:01 pm UTC

It's better to have loved and lost than to have been part of a violent accident resulting from the aftermath of the breakup.

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Re: 0857: "Archimedes"

Postby scarletmanuka » Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:49 am UTC

TheChao wrote:"There are fewer things in heaven and earth than are on my list of demands."

Works better for me as: "There are fewer things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in my list of demands."

I'm undecided as to whether it is better to leave the third word as "more" rather than altering it to "fewer", though. "More" is less inherently funny in that the list of demands may not be very big, but telegraphs that you've altered the line. After looking at it both ways, I think I like it better with "fewer".

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