A Question of Love?

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Maximus
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A Question of Love?

Postby Maximus » Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:19 am UTC

Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are? (Yes this is a theoretical situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer advice as well. Thanks)

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Tchebu » Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:50 am UTC

Simple answer: With sufficient will power any change to your emotional state is possible...

Complicated answer:... it's... complicated...
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Beandip » Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:08 am UTC

That's a tricky one. Theoretically, it's possible. However, love never seems to match theory. Chances are, if you're in love it will take time before that goes away, if it ever does. I know. Not much fun, but true.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Dark Ragnarok » Thu Nov 15, 2007 8:28 am UTC

Maximus wrote:Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are? (Yes this is a theoretical situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer advice as well. Thanks)


Yes and no.

Yes meaning you have to lie to yourself and believe the lie. Create false impression of them and make anything that would let you down to stop loving to happen. Anything from nulling love in the first place and making it actually a more friend kind of love.

The trouble is actually doing it so well you *do* believe it. Any circumstance where you have something against it will make it very hard to even continue that way.

The only other way to stop loving someone when you are in love, would be to never have puts all your emotions into it, and being partially closed. Then when you choose to, jsut detach and say nah i wasn't fully in the hole.

Those are my thoughts. You might want to talk to some girls about this cause they could better answer you than me. I hate saying this, but I'm under the impression girls *some not all*, are good at being able to deter their emotions when they want to. In fact I'm not sure a lot can do that, but I'm very sure some can. It feels more present in them than guys.

Anyways, another good way to do that is stick with a complete rational mindset.

Those are just my thoughts.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby uselessuser » Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:07 pm UTC

Provided that you gain no new information about the person you love, this is impossible I guess. If you do, there's a chance that you learn something about him/her you dislike, which in turn gives you the opportunity to pretend this to be a major flaw of the respective person's character.

But un-loving somebody just by reflection on what you already know doesn't seem likely to work -- you wouldn't have fallen in love in the first place, would you?

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby iop » Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:25 pm UTC

Maximus wrote:Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are? (Yes this is a theoretical situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer advice as well. Thanks)


Yes, it is. The bluntest approach may be to try to suppress/control all your emotions. No emotions = not in love anymore. I tried it, it works. I cannot recommend it.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby uselessuser » Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:32 pm UTC

iop wrote:suppress/control all your emotions

How does that work? I've tried to do so (especially the latter) for quite some time, but all it gained me was a neurosis.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby The Spherical Cow » Thu Nov 15, 2007 5:13 pm UTC

I find that picking some aspect of their character that you dislike (or even mildly irritates you), or something about the way they look and then blowing it way out of proportion until you really dislike them works.

No matter how superficial - a sports team they like, a band they like, the way they laugh, their nose, their hair. Take it and focus completely on it. You'll soon fall out of love with them.

Of course, if you want to stay friends, this isn't ideal. And it's not an entirely pleasant process, either.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby iop » Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:33 pm UTC

uselessuser wrote:
iop wrote:suppress/control all your emotions

How does that work? I've tried to do so (especially the latter) for quite some time, but all it gained me was a neurosis.

You need very strong willpower to not let emotions control you. After a while, it becomes natural not to listen to your emotions anymore. As you said, there can be side-effects. That's why I don't recommend it.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Flux » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:31 pm UTC

iop wrote:
Maximus wrote:Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are? (Yes this is a theoretical situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer advice as well. Thanks)


Yes, it is. The bluntest approach may be to try to suppress/control all your emotions. No emotions = not in love anymore. I tried it, it works. I cannot recommend it.




How did you go about doing it? I feel I may have to employ a similar technique.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Clerria » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:38 pm UTC

I've noticed most people don't recognize that just because you love someone does NOT mean that you must be in a relationship with them, or that you are meant to be, etc etc.

Sometimes you have to face up to the facts that you love them but that doesn't mean you must pursue a relationship. That's probably a decent first step in moving on in order to 'stop' or control your emotions.

Then again, if you're the kind of person who thinks that way, you're probably not having too many relationship problems anyway. Logic and rationality are the anti-emotions for me, and I try to rely on them more (though it takes some effort not to dismiss emotions altogether... a good balance solves most problems, more often than not).
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Indon » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:42 pm UTC

I can and have, and I'm pretty sure that makes me a cold, soulless shell of a man.

I can't really explain how, though, because I didn't use any tricks or anything; I just chose to stop caring.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Flux » Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:00 pm UTC

On a somewhat similar question.

From a man's point of view, are love and the endless need for sexual conquest unquestionably separate?
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby 3.14159265... » Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:00 am UTC

Yes I did it.

Don't see them, for a long time. If need be, have them hurt you enough (by loving them more and making yourself vulnerable), that you wouldn't want to see them.

It slowly goes away, and when you meet the next person, there is no more "pull".
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Walka » Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:38 am UTC

If love is an emotion, I don't see why not.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby SecondTalon » Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:36 am UTC

Maximus wrote:Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are? (Yes this is a theoretical situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you could offer advice as well. Thanks)


Depends, are they dead? If not, then sure.. you just have to get them pissed at you so they become a complete asshole to you. If they are, then no. You now love a perfect entity who's only flaw is they're a corpse and as a result your memory of them will never ever tarnish. Now post in the intro thread.

Flux wrote:On a somewhat similar question.

From a man's point of view, are love and the endless need for sexual conquest unquestionably separate?


Yes. Now post in the intro thread.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby JayDee » Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:48 am UTC

Maximus wrote:Is it possible to stop yourself from being in love with somebody after you already are?

I'd say it's possible to stop being in love with someone. Doing it on purpose is a different prospect.

I remember falling in love with a close friend, and acting on it. We are back to being ordinary friends now, but it took a couple years in that case.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Barbie » Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:45 pm UTC

Passion fades with time. If you really love someone, that lasts. But like like Clerria said, love and relationship are not synonymous. If you can recognize that, then you don't need to try to stop loving someone.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Solt » Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:04 pm UTC

No, it is not possible. The best you can do is to forget about them, or, as someone else has said, concentrate on their bad points until you dislike them. I've done both and the latter is definitely far more effective, though I actually did it subconsciously so I don't know how it will go for most people.

Barbie wrote:Passion fades with time. If you really love someone, that lasts. But like like Clerria said, love and relationship are not synonymous. If you can recognize that, then you don't need to try to stop loving someone.


Sounds to me like just another defense mechanism, not reality. Not everyone wants a relationship because of physical attraction (ie, "passion"). A relationship can mean a lot more things, like a shared future, and that's not the sort of thing you can define yourself out of.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Clerria » Sat Nov 17, 2007 11:11 pm UTC

I'd say accepting the fact that you're not going to try to have a relationship with someone, even though you love them is a much more mature way of dealing with your feelings than "making them hate you" ... I admit I've done it as well, (though because I didn't want them to like me, not because I needed to change my own feelings) but it's.... an incredibly insensitive and immature mistake. You can deal with it in a much more mature way, that's all I'm trying to say. Yes it's effective though.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby biolution » Sun Nov 18, 2007 12:29 am UTC

Solt wrote:No, it is not possible. The best you can do is to forget about them, or, as someone else has said, concentrate on their bad points until you dislike them. I've done both and the latter is definitely far more effective, though I actually did it subconsciously so I don't know how it will go for most people.

Barbie wrote:Passion fades with time. If you really love someone, that lasts. But like like Clerria said, love and relationship are not synonymous. If you can recognize that, then you don't need to try to stop loving someone.


Sounds to me like just another defense mechanism, not reality. Not everyone wants a relationship because of physical attraction (ie, "passion"). A relationship can mean a lot more things, like a shared future, and that's not the sort of thing you can define yourself out of.


True, not everyone wants a relationship out of physical attraction, but passion and physical attraction aren't the same. As Clerria says above, there are more mature ways. Sometimes its easier, perhaps better, to take the immature route depending upon the circumstances. It can be gratifying in some ways, and that may be just whats needed to break the emotional dependence.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Torvaun » Sun Nov 18, 2007 5:30 am UTC

My emotional nullification came naturally. As a small child, I had a tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so to speak. This made me the target of incredible amounts of abuse all through school, after all, I'd cry every time when things got bad enough. Eventually, I stopped caring, like all those less than ethical animal experiments that psychologists don't do anymore, with electrified cages and the like. Once you've adapted to live with the abuse, you stop noticing it. So, it works. However, I ended up with schizoid paranoia, which is a less than optimal outcome.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby pKp » Sun Nov 18, 2007 2:46 pm UTC

iop wrote:
uselessuser wrote:
iop wrote:suppress/control all your emotions

How does that work? I've tried to do so (especially the latter) for quite some time, but all it gained me was a neurosis.

You need very strong willpower to not let emotions control you. After a while, it becomes natural not to listen to your emotions anymore. As you said, there can be side-effects. That's why I don't recommend it.

Yeah, and once you're there, going back is kinda hard. I've been like that for a long time, and now I'm still kinda "frozen inside", even if I try not to. It really sucks.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby trickster721 » Sun Nov 18, 2007 4:06 pm UTC

Yes. Ask them out, and they'll say something sensitive like "seriously?", and then you'll realize that they're a total jerk and that you never liked them to begin with at all. It always works for me.

But seriously, the answer is no.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Maurog » Sun Nov 18, 2007 9:29 pm UTC

Once you go past idolizing them and start loving them as a normal, flawed human being, it's too late. Hating or exaggerating something you don't like just won't work. Only suppression of emotions, and a lot of time.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby pKp » Sun Nov 18, 2007 9:50 pm UTC

Fortunately, us geek tend to idealize a lot. And by fortunately, I mean unfortunately. :?
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Infornographer » Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:35 pm UTC

pKp wrote:Fortunately, us geek tend to idealize a lot. And by fortunately, I mean unfortunately. :?


I can't even count how many of my relationships failed because I approximated my girlfriend to a sphere.

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In all fairness, I insisted she had negligible mass.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby pKp » Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:32 am UTC

I'm talking pre-relationship, of course ^^
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby VannA » Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:42 am UTC

Maurog wrote:Once you go past idolizing them and start loving them as a normal, flawed human being, it's too late. Hating or exaggerating something you don't like just won't work. Only suppression of emotions, and a lot of time.



Indeed.

I'd debate the maturity of calling anything else love, for a start.

I've not stopped loving anybody I've ever fallen in love with. I don't see the requirement. Learning to love somebody, and really love them, not be infatuated or obsessed, but to accept them as another person, belonging to themselves and loving them for what they are.
I've had to learn to live without some of them, Watch them fall in love with others, and watch some of them simply walk away, for a variety of reasons.

I don't think its ever worth trying to make that emotion something else.

Running from pain and fear is never actually a solution, and removing something because you fear the potential for hurt.. well, I've never really understood that.. especially not in regards to emotions.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Torvaun » Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:19 am UTC

VannA wrote:Running from pain and fear is never actually a solution, and removing something because you fear the potential for hurt.. well, I've never really understood that.. especially not in regards to emotions.

When an electrical system gets a short, it must be removed. When a limb becomes gangrenous, it must be amputated. When tissue becomes cancerous, it must be excised. When emotions prove themselves a liability for whatever reason, they must also be eliminated. Removing something because of the potential for damage is a very common thing, and I can't see why someone would consider their emotions so much more necessary than an arm. Of course, I can see how being on the other side of that amputation could give me a different perspective.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby GhostWolfe » Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:24 am UTC

Torvaun wrote:When a limb becomes gangrenous, it must be amputated. When tissue becomes cancerous, it must be excised.

And yet we try to do everything in our power to save these things before going to such a drastic measure. There are ways to redeem a lot of "harmful" emotions without cutting them off and locking them away.

Torvaun wrote:When emotions prove themselves a liability for whatever reason, they must also be eliminated.

This makes me sad.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby H.E.L.e.N. » Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:30 am UTC

Torvaun wrote:
VannA wrote:Running from pain and fear is never actually a solution, and removing something because you fear the potential for hurt.. well, I've never really understood that.. especially not in regards to emotions.

When an electrical system gets a short, it must be removed. When a limb becomes gangrenous, it must be amputated. When tissue becomes cancerous, it must be excised. When emotions prove themselves a liability for whatever reason, they must also be eliminated. Removing something because of the potential for damage is a very common thing, and I can't see why someone would consider their emotions so much more necessary than an arm.


Because there are no foolproof means of removal, for one. If you remove your arm, it's simple enough to see that it isn't there any more. Immeasurable things are sort of different.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Torvaun » Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:35 am UTC

As I said, things probably look different from your end. I don't know if it'll make you feel better or worse to know that afterwards, you don't feel that something's missing. There are no phantom pains or sore spots. None at all.

EDIT: Yes, but unlike an arm being removed because it would kill you if it wasn't, you can and do shave away emotions in layers. It's almost like whittling, where you can stop as soon as the desired effect has been reached.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby quintopia » Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:49 am UTC

Another vote here for making yourself vulnerable, getting hurt, and falling in love with someone else instead.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Barbie » Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:57 am UTC

Torvaun wrote:When an electrical system gets a short, it must be removed. When a limb becomes gangrenous, it must be amputated. When tissue becomes cancerous, it must be excised. When emotions prove themselves a liability for whatever reason, they must also be eliminated. Removing something because of the potential for damage is a very common thing, and I can't see why someone would consider their emotions so much more necessary than an arm. Of course, I can see how being on the other side of that amputation could give me a different perspective.

Your analogy suggests that emotions broken beyond repair, but you have absolutely no evidence that this is the case. You have evidence that turning off your emotions is functional, as cutting off a limb with a mild infection would be functional at keeping that infection from spreading. But most people would try every. other. option. before having a limb amputated. There's something to be said for treating your emotions with the same respect you'd treat your body.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Torvaun » Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:00 am UTC

My emotions pretty much destroyed me for 8 or 9 years. I have no regrets about taking this path other than that it was ever necessary.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby biolution » Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:44 am UTC

Torvaun wrote:My emotions pretty much destroyed me for 8 or 9 years. I have no regrets about taking this path other than that it was ever necessary.
Reality Check: how old are you?

Torvaun wrote:My emotional nullification came naturally. As a small child, I had a tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so to speak. This made me the target of incredible amounts of abuse all through school, after all, I'd cry every time when things got bad enough. Eventually, I stopped caring, like all those less than ethical animal experiments that psychologists don't do anymore, with electrified cages and the like. Once you've adapted to live with the abuse, you stop noticing it. So, it works. However, I ended up with schizoid paranoia, which is a less than optimal outcome.

As I said, things probably look different from your end. I don't know if it'll make you feel better or worse to know that afterwards, you don't feel that something's missing. There are no phantom pains or sore spots. None at all.

EDIT: Yes, but unlike an arm being removed because it would kill you if it wasn't, you can and do shave away emotions in layers. It's almost like whittling, where you can stop as soon as the desired effect has been reached.


I disagree; memory can fade, but you'll remember those intense emotional moments. While you claim to feel nothing, you clearly remember why you "amputated" your emotions, and I would call that the same as a phantom limb.

Torvaun wrote:When an electrical system gets a short, it must be removed. When a limb becomes gangrenous, it must be amputated. When tissue becomes cancerous, it must be excised. When emotions prove themselves a liability for whatever reason, they must also be eliminated. Removing something because of the potential for damage is a very common thing, and I can't see why someone would consider their emotions so much more necessary than an arm. Of course, I can see how being on the other side of that amputation could give me a different perspective.

In comparison, when an electrical system gets a short, you can patch the shorted out portion. I've done it dozens of times with wires. Its much easier and cheaper than replacing the entire run of wire. Additionally, to follow the electrical analogy a bit more, you can mix and match wires, patching them between each other creating the run you want the way you want. Just like you can with emotions. Similarly, the same can be done to limbs with steel, titanium, stitches, casts, pins, screws, and a whole other assortment of widgets.

As for why emotions would be more important than an arm, just who, exactly, are you without them? At the risk of becoming a bit philosophical, I am not simply a carbon based life form who goes to work, pays his bills, and posts to an internet forum; I'm also a person who enjoys those things, too (ok, not the bills). Denying that other half makes someone nothing more than an automaton, imo.

And what happens when you've amputated all your limbs? Do you start on your critical organs? This doesn't sound like a functional long-term solution, especially with regards to relationships of any sort. It'll probably just make people think you're an insensitive asshole, even though you aren't intending to be. Whittling isn't a good analogy, either. You can whittle something to dust and it'll never be whole again; this isn't true of emotions (hence the phrase "Time heals all wounds").

So, I would also call the limb analogy fundamentally flawed; limbs don't grow back, but emotions do, sometimes stronger than before. The analogy with cancer works, though. Remember that cancer is essentially a malfunctioning cell within yourself that grows out of control, much like, from what all your previous posts have culminated to, the malfunctioning emotions within yourself.

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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Torvaun » Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:23 am UTC

Reality check answer: 22. Hell started in 1st grade, thanks to Matt Grasser + cronies. It ended during 9th grade when I sat down, stared at a razor blade for about an hour, and decided that I was more important than the people who had put me in this state. Therefore, any emotions invoked by them were irrelevant and illogical. This was itself an illogical process, but I was young and stupid, and trying to figure out why the influence of people I hated had me considering some very drastic measures. End game is that I overshot "ignore the bullies" by enough to land squarely in "haven't felt a whole lot of anything". This includes two tearless funerals, three pets being put down, and my grandfather being diagnosed with cancer (treatable).

As far as the philosophy goes, I may not be nothing more than this sack of meat, but I am not my emotions either. I am my skills and my accomplishments. That which I can do, and that which I have done. And when this sack of meat stops functioning, all I will be is that which I have done. How it felt to have done it will be irrelevant. I won't be around to remember, and no one else will care.

Regarding phantom pains, sure, I can remember what sad is like. I'm not so good at actually recalling any particular occasions of sad, or anything other than a vague "Well, there was crying." I've still got anger, though it's a rare occasion that I feel the need to act on it. Pretty much the only thing that still shines is pride, which is generally provided by accomplishments.
Hawknc wrote:I don't know if you've never heard of trolling, or if you're just very good at it.

WraithXt1
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Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:26 pm UTC

Re: A Question of Love?

Postby WraithXt1 » Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:08 pm UTC

Well, after my girlfriend cheated on me I just started trying to remember all those little things that upset me about her, on top of the cheating of course.

It took me a good year, but I'm much better now...I hope I helped =(

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Azrael
CATS. CATS ARE NICE.
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Re: A Question of Love?

Postby Azrael » Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:35 pm UTC

Clerria wrote:.... an incredibly insensitive and immature mistake.

I can't handle my emotions towards you ... so, I'm going to impose this lame-ass solution of my dilemma on you! You, dislike me now! 'Cause then I'm sure to have overcome my irrationality and immaturity and I'm *sure* to dislike you back. Yes, yes. No falling into spirals of unhealthiness for me!

Ug. I'm with Barbie & Clerria (and others) on this one. Grow up.

As for the "cut off your emotions like they were a rotting limb" crowd - you have yet to demonstrate that all other better and healthier options have been exhausted. Most of you seem to be suggesting that it's the shortest fix and should be done first, despite admitting that it sucks.

(Incidentally, I wonder what the correlation between this action and whining in the relationship thread that you're all alone might be.)

Might I suggest the rather wise "realize you can love someone but not be 'with' them" ?


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