It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby JudeMorrigan » Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:25 pm UTC

Three words:

Hungry, hungry hippos.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Dauric » Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:28 pm UTC

Triangle_Man wrote:Guess Who - A film about a young criminal profiler as she is forced to identify all of the people involved in a terrorist plot via process of elimination and a series of yes-no questions.


Manages a sense of smug superiority since it carries a subtext about validity of racial profiling since the only questions she can ask are about the terrorists' appearance. Will get rave reviews from otherwise respectable publications as marketing highlights pretentious "Moral" drivel.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby jakovasaur » Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:32 pm UTC

Candyland movie to get "LOTR" treatment. I hope they get Christopher Nolan to direct a gritty reboot.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Dauric » Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:10 pm UTC



Is it just me, or is it terrifying that the only jokes I could make about this will probably be the basis for the movie?
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Vieto » Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:38 pm UTC

I suspect in the mines of Moria Mocha, there will be a bunch of oompa loompas...

or will those be the hobbits?

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby broken_escalator » Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:51 pm UTC

It doesn't matter if they're Oompa Loopmas, Hobbits, or even Grunka Lunkas.

Tell them I hate them.
Spoiler:
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CorruptUser
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Thu Aug 04, 2011 9:36 pm UTC

Dauric wrote:If you've got any of that 105M left over we can have a tie-in video game that's nothing but a rehash of the "Those" mission from Fallout 3 (and has no bearing on the "Ants in the Pants" movie despite sharing the same name), 'cause every movie has to have a themed video game to be released alongside it.

So, the Battleship movie's companion video game: Any bets it'll be a First Person Shooter? (RTS would clearly be too appropriate a choice for it to actually happen...)


C&C beat Fallout to it, and it was based on the movie Them!, which was one of the earliest radiation giant monster movies.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Fri May 04, 2012 7:55 am UTC

Apparently, the movie has nearly made its budget back and it hasn't even premiered in the US yet.

Also, if appropriate maybe the thread should be moved to Movies?

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Felstaff » Fri May 04, 2012 9:16 am UTC

JudeMorrigan wrote:Three words:

Hungry, hungry hippos.

Image
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby folkhero » Fri May 04, 2012 10:24 am UTC

CorruptUser wrote:Apparently, the movie has nearly made its budget back and it hasn't even premiered in the US yet.

Maybe it was inevitable, but all I really want to know is if the line, "you sunk my battleship," is in the movie. No substitutes or paraphrasing like, "they sunk our battleship," will suffice.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Zamfir » Fri May 04, 2012 10:40 am UTC

@Felstaff, that's brilliant.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Chen » Fri May 04, 2012 11:48 am UTC

folkhero wrote:Maybe it was inevitable, but all I really want to know is if the line, "you sunk my battleship," is in the movie. No substitutes or paraphrasing like, "they sunk our battleship," will suffice.


I'd be very disappointed if its not.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby iamspen » Fri May 04, 2012 12:10 pm UTC

I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby AvatarIII » Fri May 04, 2012 12:34 pm UTC

iamspen wrote:I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.


Because a country to develop a navy rivalling US/Britain in this day and age is actually more far-fetched than aliens. :lol:

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby charliepanayi » Fri May 04, 2012 12:53 pm UTC

folkhero wrote:Maybe it was inevitable, but all I really want to know is if the line, "you sunk my battleship," is in the movie. No substitutes or paraphrasing like, "they sunk our battleship," will suffice.


It isn't apparently.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Zamfir » Fri May 04, 2012 1:12 pm UTC

How about "Is that a twelve incher or are you just happy to see me"

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby JudeMorrigan » Fri May 04, 2012 1:57 pm UTC

@Felstaff - You, sir, just made my day.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby ElWanderer » Fri May 04, 2012 2:00 pm UTC

iamspen wrote:I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.

Oooooooh.

Oh blast, now I'm imagining what Jutland: Reloaded would look like... for starters I presume they'd change the ending so that someone actually "wins" (probably the time-travelling US Navy, whose heroic captains would ignore any orders given by snivelling, self-preserving British admirals). Hmmm, I realise that by writing that, I'm being as unimaginative as the Hollywood executives I'm complaining about.

The Googles suggest someone wanted to film an accurate portrayal of Jutland in 2011, but it seems to have disappeared without trace (the IMDB link is dead). Maybe they realised a portrayal of unsafe ammunition handling procedures during an indecisive stalemate wouldn't be able to cope with Oh me yarm Aliens!

Edit: Had to look at the thread on my mobile to see Felstaff's image (thank you for blocking awesomeness, work web filter) - but now I have seen it I can't keep a straight face!
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Enokh » Fri May 04, 2012 3:04 pm UTC

AvatarIII wrote:
iamspen wrote:I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.


Because a country to develop a navy rivalling US/Britain in this day and age is actually more far-fetched than aliens. :lol:


Really just rivaling the US. Britain's Navy is rather small, and getting smaller all the time as they decommission ships. The US has as many submarines as Britain has vessels of any variety.

Actually, the more I look into it, it looks like A) Britain has rapidly lost it's naval advantage, and B) In sheer numbers, it looks like US vs. China and Russia (at least, the numbers that we KNOW. . dun dun dunnnnn) would be equal. No idea about training or quality of the vessels, but there you go.

That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby iamspen » Fri May 04, 2012 3:17 pm UTC

Enokh wrote:
AvatarIII wrote:
iamspen wrote:I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.


Because a country to develop a navy rivalling US/Britain in this day and age is actually more far-fetched than aliens. :lol:


Really just rivaling the US. Britain's Navy is rather small, and getting smaller all the time as they decommission ships. The US has as many submarines as Britain has vessels of any variety.

Actually, the more I look into it, it looks like A) Britain has rapidly lost it's naval advantage, and B) In sheer numbers, it looks like US vs. China and Russia (at least, the numbers that we KNOW. . dun dun dunnnnn) would be equal. No idea about training or quality of the vessels, but there you go.


Russia's ships, IIRC, are typically old and lack the necessary refits and maintenance to really compete, while China tends to use not only old shit, but a lot of secondhand junk. Besides which, a single US carrier strike force would overpower the entire fleet of most other countries, even those with modernized equipment, simply because modern aircraft carrier.

That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.


The huge number of explosions and the gruesomly violent deaths of sailors everywhere would make up for it, surely.
Last edited by iamspen on Fri May 04, 2012 3:19 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby AvatarIII » Fri May 04, 2012 3:18 pm UTC

Enokh wrote:
AvatarIII wrote:
iamspen wrote:I just want to know why two enormous goddamn fleets firing twelve-inch guns at each other for two hours is apparently not enough awesomeness to make into a movie.


Because a country to develop a navy rivalling US/Britain in this day and age is actually more far-fetched than aliens. :lol:


Really just rivaling the US. Britain's Navy is rather small, and getting smaller all the time as they decommission ships. The US has as many submarines as Britain has vessels of any variety.

Actually, the more I look into it, it looks like A) Britain has rapidly lost it's naval advantage, and B) In sheer numbers, it looks like US vs. China and Russia (at least, the numbers that we KNOW. . dun dun dunnnnn) would be equal. No idea about training or quality of the vessels, but there you go.

That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.


I didn't mean that Britain rivals the US, I meant that if there was a Naval war, Britain and the US would band together,

although as you say you didn't take training or quality of vessels into consideration, when as far as I know, the British navy scraps some ships as soon as existence of the technology they contain becomes public knowledge so that should go some way to explaining how bleeding edge the British navy is.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Heisenberg » Fri May 04, 2012 3:22 pm UTC

Enokh wrote:That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.

Icebergs barely move at all, but Titanic did pretty well :wink:

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Enokh » Fri May 04, 2012 3:24 pm UTC

That's because the movie Titanic wasn't about the Titanic.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Fri May 04, 2012 3:40 pm UTC

folkhero wrote:
CorruptUser wrote:Apparently, the movie has nearly made its budget back and it hasn't even premiered in the US yet.

Maybe it was inevitable, but all I really want to know is if the line, "you sunk my battleship," is in the movie. No substitutes or paraphrasing like, "they sunk our battleship," will suffice.


Spoiler:
According to the plot on Wikipedia, apparently the USS Missouri gets recommissioned in a matter of hours and defeats the aliens, surviving the battle. So, maybe if the aliens say it, otherwise no.


Enokh wrote:That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.


Infantry move even slower, but I'd still watch a bunch of spearmen stabbing each other.

Also, Horatio Hornblower had even slower ships.
Last edited by CorruptUser on Fri May 04, 2012 3:44 pm UTC, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Heisenberg » Fri May 04, 2012 3:43 pm UTC

Enokh wrote:That's because the movie Titanic wasn't about the Titanic.

I know, right. I was rooting for the iceberg the whole time.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Fri May 04, 2012 3:46 pm UTC

Heisenberg wrote:
Enokh wrote:That's because the movie Titanic wasn't about the Titanic.

I know, right. I was rooting for the iceberg the whole time.


Was a downer ending too. Sure, it defeated that jerkass ship, but it still only had a few weeks of life left as it slowly died of hyperthermia all alone in the middle of the ocean without ever seeing any of its friends or family again.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby PeteP » Fri May 04, 2012 4:02 pm UTC

CorruptUser wrote:
Heisenberg wrote:
Enokh wrote:That's because the movie Titanic wasn't about the Titanic.

I know, right. I was rooting for the iceberg the whole time.


Was a downer ending too. Sure, it defeated that jerkass ship, but it still only had a few weeks of life left as it slowly died of hyperthermia all alone in the middle of the ocean without ever seeing any of its friends or family again.

I think of it as an heroic, through in the end pointless, sacrifice in the great Iceberg vs. ship war.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Enokh » Fri May 04, 2012 4:25 pm UTC

CorruptUser wrote:
Enokh wrote:That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.


Infantry move even slower, but I'd still watch a bunch of spearmen stabbing each other.

Also, Horatio Hornblower had even slower ships.


You know, I debated using that word when I posted. Instead, let's use agile. Turning speed, for example, or the ability to react via movement in general.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby johnny_7713 » Fri May 04, 2012 5:24 pm UTC

Enokh wrote:
CorruptUser wrote:
Enokh wrote:That said, I don't think a naval battle movie would be very entertaining. Ships move too slowly.


Infantry move even slower, but I'd still watch a bunch of spearmen stabbing each other.

Also, Horatio Hornblower had even slower ships.


You know, I debated using that word when I posted. Instead, let's use agile. Turning speed, for example, or the ability to react via movement in general.


Battle of the River Plate did quite well I think, it featured the right kind of ships as well. Incidentally I think that might have been the last naval battle that didn't feature aircraft in a major way, but feel free to correct me on that statement.

What I really like about this movie is the line on the poster: 'From Hasbro, the coompany that brought you Transformers'; yes that's right, they're not even trying to hide the fact the movie is only about the merchandising tie-ins. (In case you don't know who/what Hasbro are: wiki). I wonder if they will bring us a new D&D movie.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Fri May 04, 2012 5:29 pm UTC

Yeah but how will they incorporate the dice?

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby maybeagnostic » Fri May 04, 2012 5:29 pm UTC

johnny_7713 wrote:I wonder if they will bring us a new D&D movie.
I hope so. I haven't seen anything as unintentionally funny as the D&D movies in a long time.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Bharrata » Fri May 04, 2012 5:41 pm UTC

Griffin wrote:I would like to second the a Magic the Gathering movie having potential - A lot of their fiction is terrible, but a lot (particularly the ice-age era comics, imo, though the Arena and Gull&Greensleeves stories were decent too) was pretty damn good.



I want a movie entitled "Urza's Madness" written by Stephen King and the ex-Rubicon staff.

The majority of dialogue must be lifted from card quotes, no later than 5th edition.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Zamfir » Fri May 04, 2012 6:42 pm UTC

CorruptUser wrote:Yeah but how will they incorporate the dice?

Aliens raise human children (and children from other planets, like the elf-planet and the dwarf-planet) in schrodinger's boxes, where the potential decay of radioactive elements determines whether their brains or muscles get damaged.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby ElWanderer » Fri May 04, 2012 8:50 pm UTC

Battle of the River Plate did quite well I think, it featured the right kind of ships as well. Incidentally I think that might have been the last naval battle that didn't feature aircraft in a major way, but feel free to correct me on that statement.

I'll take you up on that ;) River Plate was 1939, prior to multiple major WW2 engagements without planes e.g. any of the Guadalcanal night battles or North Cape in '43.

But yes that is a good film :)

The main problem for me is the range involved: with age of sail ships of the line, you can have two ships in shot battering each other with immediate effects (though it can take a lot of maneuvering to get there, you can trim that). With WW2 battleships, your shells might spend half a minute in flight, most would miss, and you'd never get close to your opponent. Makes for a very different scene, though with good editing it should be possible to make it work. I note Star Trek etc. tend to use very close range battles with ships almost in spitting distance, as visually it's much more exciting.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Dream » Fri May 04, 2012 10:46 pm UTC

Tora Tora Tora managed to make a great tense and exciting scene out of a long range aerial raid and some very ineffectual AA fire. It's all about how you build it up so that the payoff is appropriate. Don't promise Black Hawk Down if you're going to deliver Das Boot. Das Boot by itself is superior to almost any war film, if only you make sure that's what you're promising the audience.
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby CorruptUser » Fri May 04, 2012 11:24 pm UTC

Zamfir wrote:
CorruptUser wrote:Yeah but how will they incorporate the dice?

Aliens raise human children (and children from other planets, like the elf-planet and the dwarf-planet) in schrodinger's boxes, where the potential decay of radioactive elements determines whether their brains or muscles get damaged.


Yes, yeees, a thousand times yes. Also, placing an actual cat in there creates a displaced beast.

Spoiler:
Image

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby ++$_ » Sat May 05, 2012 1:23 am UTC

Bharrata wrote:
Griffin wrote:I would like to second the a Magic the Gathering movie having potential - A lot of their fiction is terrible, but a lot (particularly the ice-age era comics, imo, though the Arena and Gull&Greensleeves stories were decent too) was pretty damn good.
I want a movie entitled "Urza's Madness" written by Stephen King and the ex-Rubicon staff.

The majority of dialogue must be lifted from card quotes, no later than 5th edition.
I'm convinced you could have a movie consisting entirely of Jaya Ballard setting things on fire and delivering one-liners, possibly with a tiny amount of plot injected to keep the critics happy.

I mean, the only difference between that and most action movies is that Jaya Ballard's one-liners are better.

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Diadem » Sat May 05, 2012 3:45 am UTC

ElWanderer wrote:I note Star Trek etc. tend to use very close range battles with ships almost in spitting distance, as visually it's much more exciting.

And Star Wars. And Battlestar Galactica. And pretty much any other sci-fi movie or series.

Star Trek is actually still pretty good. At least they don't have to move their entire ship to aim their lasers, they leave the targetting to the computer, and there's no fucking space fighters.

But yeah, Picard never asks:
"Hey Data, what's the range of our phasers?"
"Well sir, they disperse 12.47% per billion kilometers."
"That's pretty far, isn't it Worf?"
"Yes sir"
"So back the fuck away and blast 'em from distance!"
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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby johnny_7713 » Sat May 05, 2012 11:21 am UTC

Diadem wrote:
ElWanderer wrote:I note Star Trek etc. tend to use very close range battles with ships almost in spitting distance, as visually it's much more exciting.

And Star Wars. And Battlestar Galactica. And pretty much any other sci-fi movie or series.

Star Trek is actually still pretty good. At least they don't have to move their entire ship to aim their lasers, they leave the targetting to the computer, and there's no fucking space fighters.

But yeah, Picard never asks:
"Hey Data, what's the range of our phasers?"
"Well sir, they disperse 12.47% per billion kilometers."
"That's pretty far, isn't it Worf?"
"Yes sir"
"So back the fuck away and blast 'em from distance!"


I'm reminded of a similar quote I read on the internet once about a realistic space battle that went something like:

"Sir, the enemy has fired a torpedo!"
"Evasive maneuvers!"
"Changing heading from 70 degrees to 69.9 degrees! The torpedo missed Sir!"
"Phew, that was a close one"

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Re: It's official, Hollywood is fucking with us

Postby Dauric » Sun May 06, 2012 5:36 am UTC

Dauric wrote:So, the Battleship movie's companion video game: Any bets it'll be a First Person Shooter? (RTS would clearly be too appropriate a choice for it to actually happen...)


Sooo... Yeah...

It's an RTS -AND- an FPS.

Now don't get me wrong, I think that such a combination could be awesome if it's done properly. This however is a movie tie-in game which typically means limited budget and they have to produce deliverables on a schedule based on the movie's production. This is not a recipe for successful implementation of innovative gameplay, hell it's not a recipe for successful implementation of -basic- gameplay.
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