1464: "Santa"

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1464: "Santa"

Postby dalcde » Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:57 am UTC

Image
Title text: "He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh."

Why do we have to appeal to the magic bag when we can simply postulate a magic stomach?

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:01 am UTC

If you combine it with the fact that Santa visits millions of houses in one night it is quite clear where all that mass is going: he's converting it to energy to accelerate to near light speed.
The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby rhomboidal » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:01 am UTC

"He had a broad face and a little round belly/That shook when he laughed, like a bowel full of poop" just doesn't have the same enchanting ring to it.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby keithl » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:03 am UTC

Have you seen the stuff that most people get - or eat - on Christmas? Indistinguishable from excrement, IMNSHO. The question isn't what Santa does with his crap, but how often he must dive into the effluent of industrial production to dredge up more kilotons of dreck to inflict on the juvenile and credulous. Plastic geegaws, extruded from hydrocarbon ooze. Candy canes, the bleached bones of some pungent Cookie Monster. Fruitcake ... need I say more?

Morose Christmas to all, and to all, a glum night! :(

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby sfmans » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:29 am UTC

It may be the drugs talking, but I still enjoy Christmas.

Not in a creepy start-in-mid-October sort of way (I'm still at work on Xmas Eve and it definitely hasn't kicked in yet) but there's still a certain something about the wholly unattainable and entirely invented myth of a perfect Christmas.

So Happy Christmas everyone, and watch out for the Santa poop ...

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Angua » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:44 am UTC

The answer here is obviously that all cookies are as one cookie, and all glasses of milk as one glass of milk.

Except the one that is a turnip.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:50 am UTC

Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby N4ppy » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:03 am UTC

I'm pretty sure he must have a Mr. Fusion in the back of the Sleigh. What else to do with all that poop then E=mc2.

What else would explain him visiting all those houses :)

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby unlimitedbacon » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:06 am UTC

Santa only eats a small fraction of the cookies. The bulk of them are fed to the reindeer who, due to their magic nature, convert the mass of the cookies to energy in order to accelerate themselves and the sleigh to superluminal speeds. This also eliminates the need for pooping.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby xanthk » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:07 am UTC

Santa, being magical, is filled with magically great warmth and pressure. Where do you think he gets all that coal for the naughty children?

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby StClair » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:26 am UTC

ah, the thread is up at last, so I can say what I was thinking earlier:

"Reaction mass, of course."

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby azule » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:37 am UTC

^Say it clearer. I don't understand.

Sorry, everyone, but you are wrong. (Good way to start all arguments.) According to the comic, Santa has to eat them himself. He cannot give them to his reindeer. Plus, now the comic is wrong (but those were guesses). He doesn't poop anywhere. No time. He actually, compresses all the goodies into one pressurized bowel movement. This creates coal. Sorry, I mean, he does this with a good portion of goodies, so he ends up with piles of coal to give out to naughty kids (or those who stiffed him on the milk and cookies).

I guess any that he doesn't give out he uses to power his sled (steam power, yo!). Kidding about the last part. (Serious about the rest? :shock: )
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Klear » Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:42 am UTC



I swear, if I end up playing Cookie Clicker obsessively instead of celebrating Christmas, I'm going to find you and feed you cookies until you explode!

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:56 am UTC

If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby HES » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:28 am UTC

Why, Neil, why.
Neil_Boekend wrote:The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"

Magic christmas flywheel. That's what those swirly lollipops are really for.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby pkcommando » Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:37 pm UTC

Why can't there be 2 magic sacks? One for presents and one for poop. Poopsacking.

The presents one is red, before anyone asks how he keeps from getting them mixed up.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby HES » Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:51 pm UTC

He's still going to have to have a ridiculously effective digestive system
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:01 pm UTC

HES wrote:He's still going to have to have a ridiculously effective digestive system

Sufficiently advanced digestive systems are indistinguishable from magic
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby cellocgw » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:01 pm UTC

Well...

Randall's into some serious shit here :mrgreen:

Luckily, compared with magic flying reindeer, metabolic processes and byproducts are trivial magic.

BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:

ETA:
Neil_Boekend wrote: Sufficiently advanced digestive systems are indistinguishable from magic
<-- what I said!

BTW, is it just my impression, or is this thread almost entirely populated with OTTers?
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby HES » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:16 pm UTC

cellocgw wrote:BTW, is it just my impression, or is this thread almost entirely populated with OTTers?

That's because everyone else is at home with their families (or travelling to be so).
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Klear » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:19 pm UTC

cellocgw wrote:BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:


That actually makes frightening amount of sense o.0

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Whizbang » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:36 pm UTC

Klear wrote:
cellocgw wrote:BTW, Santa, according to wave-particle duality, is simultaneously taking all paths down all chimneys. That's why you have to be asleep in bed, because if he's ever observed, the wavefunction will collapse into a Santa-particle at one location. Millions of other kids would end up sorely disappointed. :twisted:


That actually makes frightening amount of sense o.0



Ah, but what about different time zones? Obviously he cannot go down all chimneys at once. He must do the above at least 24 times, though likely more.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby pminva » Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:19 pm UTC

Germans needed to capture mass when blimp fuel burned to keep the airships stable. Now we have the answer - how Santa keeps his sleigh stable as the large mass of presents are dropped off on his run. I'm going with the two bag theory - cookie poop mass offsetting loss of presents mass.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby richP » Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:54 pm UTC

azule wrote:^Say it clearer. I don't understand.

Sorry, everyone, but you are wrong. (Good way to start all arguments.) According to the comic, Santa has to eat them himself. He cannot give them to his reindeer. Plus, now the comic is wrong (but those were guesses). He doesn't poop anywhere. No time. He actually, compresses all the goodies into one pressurized bowel movement. This creates coal. Sorry, I mean, he does this with a good portion of goodies, so he ends up with piles of coal to give out to naughty kids (or those who stiffed him on the milk and cookies).

I guess any that he doesn't give out he uses to power his sled (steam power, yo!). Kidding about the last part. (Serious about the rest? :shock: )


Wait, so if none of us gave cookies, Santa would not be able to leave coal for any of us? That's a holly jolly version of the Prisoner's Dilemma right there.

Alternatively, we can look at it as a commentary on the cosmic duality of good and evil. The good (check the list twice) provide the material (cookies) for punishment (coal) of the evil (naughty list), yet if there was an overabundance of good with no evil, Santa would have a massive coal-based bowel obstruction. This scenario ends with feral reindeer roaming the frozen remains of the surface of the Earth while the various fractured clans of elves battle for territory.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby fangbeer » Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:05 pm UTC

The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available creates obvious sled design problems it's quite reasonable to assume that Santa operates on a standard postage delivery model in which several route drivers handle distribution. I believe this is the simplest solution to the problem. The quantum proposition above is certainly interesting, but I'm not sure I understand how a quantum Santa could deliver simultaneous payloads of different information. Wouldn't the quantum Santa have to deliver the SAME package to every home? This is clearly not the observed results.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby silverkitty » Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:35 pm UTC

I thought he takes the cookies and saves them for the rest of the year so he can feed himself and his elves and his reindeer until next Christmas.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby HES » Wed Dec 24, 2014 9:10 pm UTC

And food preservation is why he's based at the north pole.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby San Fran Sam » Wed Dec 24, 2014 10:46 pm UTC

Well, I don't really have much of anything to add to this conversation, but I had to post something this Christmas season until I change my avatar back after the first of the year.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Klear » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:06 pm UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.


I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:10 pm UTC

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, caught myself too.


I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Been there. Got kicked out for getting the Lightbringer addicted to Cookie Clicker.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby keithl » Thu Dec 25, 2014 2:48 am UTC

fangbeer wrote:The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available ...


One word: San-Torrent

The magic bag contains not only presents, but more magic bags, sleighs, reindeer, and Santas. Starting around US Thanksgiving, Santa does his first deployment, leaving one, two, four, ... Santas, sleighs, etc. in shopping malls around the world. Each Santa-clone spends the next few weeks gathering information about each mall, using a network of elven spies masquerading as children.

After the malls close on December 24, Santas and elves rob the malls. During January inventory, the shrinkage is attributed to "shoplifters" - a vicious lie spread by Santa to shift blame to allegedly naughty kids. No such thing, all children are perfect.

The vast torrent of Santas multiply further as they spread out from the malls with burglary tools, entering homes and apartments, leaving the "presents" and gathering cookies. Not the carbohydrate kind; instead, they hack every family computer for browser cache information, stealing passwords, credit card and bank account information, leaving viruses and spyware. Yes, Santa knows when you are sleeping, etc., because he controls your webcam and security system. Do not blame exploits and credit card fraud on ordinary decent people - nope, it is all the San-torrent army.

Finishing up their evil work, the Santas converge and climb back into magic bags until there is one Santa left, who flies back to his secret base in Antarctica (NORTH pole? More lies ...) to prepare next year's cyberattacks.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby azule » Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:05 am UTC

fangbeer, if Santa is a delivery service, it must now stand for something:
Super
Accurate
Night (or Network)
Transportation
Avatar

eh? *shrugs*

richP wrote:The good (check the list twice) provide the material (cookies) for punishment (coal) of the evil (naughty list), yet if there was an overabundance of good with no evil, Santa would have a massive coal-based bowel obstruction.
I think that many naughty will leave cookies as bribe or thinking they're not naughty.

What if he produces more coal than there are naughties? He could unload them anywhere, just not under the tree, such as mid-flight or by a rock.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Jhn1 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 5:24 am UTC

You admit it is a "magic sack".
It is deliberate misinformation about bad kids and coal,
those bad kids are the kids getting "crappy presents".

(Sorry, I couldn't help myself)

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby dtilque » Thu Dec 25, 2014 5:42 am UTC

This strip is only looking at half the problem, the cookie half. What about all the milk he drinks? If he drinks .25 liter every third house or so, that'd be millions of liters by the end of the night! He'd better have a magical bladder to go with his magic bag.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby BlitzGirl » Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:48 am UTC

Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby ThemePark » Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:27 am UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:If you combine it with the fact that Santa visits millions of houses in one night it is quite clear where all that mass is going: he's converting it to energy to accelerate to near light speed.
The real question is "how does he dump all the energy when he slows down at the next house?"

So you're saying that Santa farts his way around the world. That's quite some powerful farting.

fangbeer wrote:The issue is easily resolved with the multisanta model of delivery.

Since one person delivering to 300+ million homes in the 31 hours available creates obvious sled design problems it's quite reasonable to assume that Santa operates on a standard postage delivery model in which several route drivers handle distribution. I believe this is the simplest solution to the problem. The quantum proposition above is certainly interesting, but I'm not sure I understand how a quantum Santa could deliver simultaneous payloads of different information. Wouldn't the quantum Santa have to deliver the SAME package to every home? This is clearly not the observed results.

Which explains all the fake mall Santas. They really are Santa's helpers.
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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Baccar Wozat » Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:13 pm UTC

Maybe he poops coal!

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:28 pm UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.

But the comic was about massive amounts of cookies!
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Klear » Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:34 pm UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:
BlitzGirl wrote:Maybe Santa's magic poop actually turns into presents. He just poops 'em out along the way so he doesn't have to carry all of the presents in the sleigh at once.

Klear wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:If it makes you feel better, I caught myself too.

I'm producing 739.217 million cookies every second. Damn you to hell!

Neil, it's not very nice to inflict the c**kies upon other threads like that.

But the comic was about massive amounts of cookies!


7 quadrillions total now. 7 QUADRILLIONS!!!


I hate you.

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Re: 1464: "Santa"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:38 pm UTC

Moehaha
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his


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